for prostate cancer survivors and their mates....

[johng45]

How do you restart the intimacy? I'm a couple of months out, looking forward to the 3 month check up to "confirm" no PSA and get info on the pump and injections. I think I will be functioning again (hopefully) within a year but time passes sort of slowly right now for obvious reasons.

And how do you (particularly the ladies) deal with the fact that we can't cum anymore? Get into golden showers? (to each his or her own but my significant other barely used to like oral, I can only imagine her reaction to that..lol)

 

[kcwordsmith]

i'm a survivor

I had the surgery eight years ago and am now cancer free. I was lucky in many respects in that side effects were few. Getting an erection is harder but possible, even with out Viagra-type drugs. There is no denying you can't cum -- though the sensation of ejaculation is still there and very satisfying. It did make a difference in sex with my wife. I just didn't have the same desire. Sex is much less frequent and there have been times it didn't work -- no hardon. There also have been times when it did work and work well. Funny thing is I still get horny and get erections and masturbate frequently. No doubt the surgery did cause some significant changes, though. I guess one of the realities is that you come to the realization that there are other things in life.

 

[SweetErika]

Maybe your significant other was adverse to oral because of the semen, and this will be a chance to start fresh and see if she enjoys it without any semen. Minus semen, performing oral on a freshly washed cock is just like orally enjoying any other part of the body.

The one and only time I care about semen is when we're trying to conceive. Otherwise, I'd be perfectly happy if my partner didn't have any at all. It has nothing to do with my enjoyment of the experience. If my husband had been treated for prostate cancer, I'd just be focused on the fact that he's alive and well. Missing semen, and even erectile dysfunction, wouldn't bother me because there are so many other ways we can enjoy intimacy and sex.

Anyway, you should discuss your concerns with your significant other and talk about the many, many ways you can be sexual and intimate without an erection, even. Maybe you'll find out that she's even happier now that there's no semen and other types of sexual activity are far more important to her than penile penetration. Invite her to take this as a fresh start and create a wonderful new sex life that focuses on shared intimacy, pleasure and what you CAN do vs. any perceived limitations!

 

[Jewdles]

Hi JohnG

This is a tough time for you as a couple. Like anything it will differ from one person to another. My husband had major prostate cancer surgery in late 2010 and it has virtually destroyed our sexual relationship.

Many people don't understand the side effects of prostate cancer, all they know is that survival rates are good. Yes they are, and yes that is excellent, but it doesn't take away from how hard it can be - (no pun intended). To regain an erection for many takes work, it's like a broken leg, and if you don't exercise it you'll probably limp forever.

I have a lot of thoughts and emotions, and as it's very private, I'd be happy to talk to you privately if I can be of any help.

Hugs

Jude

 

[amofiga]

How do you restart the intimacy? I'm a couple of months out, looking forward to the 3 month check up to "confirm" no PSA and get info on the pump and injections. I think I will be functioning again (hopefully) within a year but time passes sort of slowly right now for obvious reasons.

And how do you (particularly the ladies) deal with the fact that we can't cum anymore? Get into golden showers? (to each his or her own but my significant other barely used to like oral, I can only imagine her reaction to that..lol)

JohnG45

I can understand your depression. I've not yet faced the prostate issue, but knowing that my dad developed it and my grandfather developed it, I worry. Once again, I think Erica has offered some seriously sound words of wisdom. There are indeed other things in life to cherish other than sex, and especially as you age you'll understand that. Sharing other forms of sexual experiences and pleasure, even if it's just stroking, touching, vibrators, etc are pleasurable and semen isn't the end all beat all to sex unless you are trying to create offspring. Sure it can be fun for both partners to enjoy the splattering but hopefully you got to enjoy some of that in your younger days and now it's time to focus on the other intimacy factors.

The sexual activity between my wife and I has changed over the years. There's much more foreplay sorts of things now and less all-out fucking. We still enjoy long oral sessions even if there is mignt not be orgasm involved all the time. We still enjoy intercourse even though many young'uns would think they're watching a slow motion movie. It's the same with anything in life. Are you a golfer? Twenty years ago, I used to be able to reach a 450 yard green in two shots, but now I find myself needing to hit a third wedge shot to get there. I can still enjoy the game. It's just a little different.

 

[Jewdles]

John,

I've been re reading your posting and I had a thought. You asked, "How do I restart the intimacy?"

My answer to that is you don't stop the intimacy. Intimacy is the cuddling, kissing, talking, being together, reassuring and caring. That will go a long way towards helping you on your journey and restarting the sexual play.

People will offer a lot of ideas and advice, but like anything until you live through it, you don't fully understand the issues. My adivce would be don't leave your wife out of the equation, and do express your fears or worries to her. Because if you do that then she in turn can also express her fears to you, and it is highly likely she has fears as well.

Yes there is more to life than sex, and yes there are plenty of other sexual activities. For me personally no semen is not a bother, and i can cope without penetration, but I miss an erect penis, I miss knowing I can arouse my husband, I miss oral sex. He has backed right off and I long for the intimacy.

You can orgasm without an erection. You may find you do lose a little bit of pre cum at times and that is normal. There can be a grieving time for both parties. If I was 10 years older it would no doubt have been less of an issue. The nurse told us some women breathe a sigh of relief at the diagnosis as they don't have 'to do sex' any more. It does depend a lot on the sex life and your relationship pre surgery.

For me, I had many fears and concerns, some seemed ridiculous and I didn't want to ask this handsome young 30 something year old surgeon, as he'd made a comment to me after the biopsy which was quite thoughtless. A work colleague had had the same surgery 9 months earlier and he was great. We had a few conversations which I found really helpful. I know men don't often talk to one another easily but there are support groups. Also read as much as you can. Incontinence may be an issue, but don't stress about it as for many it lasts only a short while. We did make a lot of jokes which helped us through pre and post surgery.

I hope some men read this and it prompts them to go and get a blood test done for their PSA, as that one small inconvencience can save their life.

Good luck and if I can be of any help just ask. Take care

Jude

 

[Ruth12]

Well down