FLR (Female Led Relationships)

[DeepAchingNeed]

While these types of relationships can be as fetishized and campy, and certainly have as many varied ways of living them as there are people to imagine doing so, it seems strange/odd that they are so rarely discussed....

 

[Thom_the_gleeman]

I wish I could add something meaningfull here, as I fantasise about this quite a bit, but haven't expirienced it in real life... ( and I will of course not deny that how realistic/campy these fantasies are depends quite a bit on my mood)
Love,

Thom

 

[PaxNurgle]

There have actually been a few threads about that on here; I'd link to them, but I'd have to scroll through and find them. There are several people who are into that dynamic on these forums. It's not as popular as male-dom/female sub (by a huge margin) and it seems to be more desirable to men than to women, but there are plenty of fans of Female Led Relationships on here.

It depends on expectations, level of kink desired/wanted by both parties, and the amount of authority given by the dominant partner. Some want and expect a strict protocol, 24/7, where the man is a literal slave in the classic, Greek/Roman sense. Some women may want a FLR that is utterly devoid of "Any of that gross kinky stuff" but where "I'm the Boss, and he dang well better do what I say."

 

[Goldenfinger]

i think it’s more popular than you’d think but might not be a erotic as you fantasize.

 

[DeepAchingNeed]

i think it’s more popular than you’d think but might not be a erotic as you fantasize.



I absolutely appreciate that point... Isn't that literally applicable to every single aspect of our lives!? If we can serve/connect to our innermost selves AND those that we have chosen to share life with (in whatever context and capacity) - is not the art of a thriving and even magical kind of life determined not by the things we do, but how it is that we do them, and what meaning we attach to or associate with those things?... Such conscious choices and behaviors related to living and our connections, make even the simple and mundane into something profoundly spiritual, powerful, touching, moving, brilliant, and spectacularly lustrous.

 

[DevotedHusband1]

While these types of relationships can be as fetishized and campy, and certainly have as many varied ways of living them as there are people to imagine doing so, it seems strange/odd that they are so rarely discussed....

When I have more time, I will write a bit about my relationship in this thread. In the meantime you can look up my posts if you're curious. Our relationship is definitely more toward the romantic end of the spectrum as opposed to full-on slavery, but it's great for us and I wouldn't want to live any other way. The focus is on giving my queen what she wants, which is a romantic, chivalrous, and deferential husband who is fit, muscular, and potent. I am honored to play this role in her life.

 

[Pliantjoed]

While these types of relationships can be as fetishized and campy, and certainly have as many varied ways of living them as there are people to imagine doing so, it seems strange/odd that they are so rarely discussed....

I agree these are so rarely discussed. Likely because if that’s the way you live, and it’s not full blown erotic, you may tend to just think of it as ordinary.

For my relationship, my wife is the bread winner, she makes all the plans, she makes most if not all the decisions. She gets mad that I don’t plan or make decisions but when I have tried I was punished for doing so. I have learned to take things in stride. My role is to execute her vision. This doesn’t make me weak, or unimportant. But I know I am not the leader, I know my role and my place. My wants and needs are secondary. I have accepted this. My option is always to leave if I don’t like it, but I adore following her. She would never label this as a FLR but it most certainly is.

 

[emme8]

My relationship with Bob is mostly a FLR, but far from the stereotypical. For years I worked a high stress and demanding job. Bob just took care of everything to make the family go. I used to say he was the "House CEO". But in truth everything was done for me. I just delegated everything back to him.
I don't make most of the decisions. Dinner was his responsibility, to unless I wanted something specific. I didn't even know the passwords for bill pay for instance. I charged my credit card, he paid it off with my money. He planned vacations, always asked for my input, but the "work" part of it was done by him. Big ticket items we discussed, because I knew he would do the research.
As far as sex. When I want to be submissive, he can play the role of a Dom for me. When I want to control him, cage him, tease him, peg him, whatever that happens also. Sometimes that can get confusing to us. Or him to at least.

 

[Wonderer67]

My wife have what you could probably call a FLR. I have a name for her, Miss Conduct (she got fired for misconduct once!) those types of names are corny, but it’s fun.

I do most of the cleaning and all of the outside work. I do all of the cooking. I draw her baths. I try to do the laundry as much as I can.

I do things I know she likes: whispering in her ear, tell her how beautiful she is, fuck her how she likes it, bring her as much pleasure as I can when we have sex.

And these things don’t happen all the time, but when I need it, she spanks me, pegs me, teases me, has me worship her feet and boots and ass. She pees on me quite often.

She always controls my orgasm.

We have several businesses together and own a farm together. It works really well for us. It’s brought us closer together - really accentuated the communication, trust and intimacy.

Maybe it’s topping from the bottom. It’s imperfect. Who cares? We enjoy it and it works for us.

 

[twister947]

I generally do as I'm told.

 

[Iwant2havefun]

i will be a VERY good boy (over 18) for an older, mature, understanding woman. She is the Queen, clearly, and i am here to attend to her every need and bring her pleasure, always. i eagerly welcome that assignment (in RP or RL.... : )

 

[Goldenfinger]

I am in a FLR and it is nothing like what you read about or like the tales that I read here. We have many facets to our life some erotic and some not. I expect a lot would be the same even without a flr title.

 

[DeepAchingNeed]

In any particular realm of our lives, we have this human need/tendency, whether we prefer to go about it in a holistically integrated manner or not, to want to have things be understood and/or make sense by containing it in some specific box or defining it by some particular label. Those of us that have a comprehensive and determined approach and grasp that is far more open-minded, complex, inclusive, and connected than separating and singular know that there are genuinely many layers and paths that create and define us, and that very few of us are wholly contained and encompassed so simply. As long as the people involved know the truth of their relationship, and their people's needs, call it whatever the fuck you like. If it works for you, you get from it what you want/need, and are content and satisfied- that is what truly matters. Live! Love! Be who and what you are!

 

[emme8]

I am in a FLR and it is nothing like what you read about or like the tales that I read here. We have many facets to our life some erotic and some not. I expect a lot would be the same even without a flr title.

But the ordinary is hopefully a bit less mundane with the hopes that a clean house ,or whatever pleases the wifey.
But yes food needs to get purchased, toilets cleaned, car maintenance completed...

 

[Goldenfinger]

But the ordinary is hopefully a bit less mundane with the hopes that a clean house ,or whatever pleases the wifey.
But yes food needs to get purchased, toilets cleaned, car maintenance completed...

yes, I guess I was exposing a little real to the fantasy. I get pm’s and it’s usually the same. Woman keeps guy naked and on a leash. She works he stays home cooks and cleans. She comes home he crawls to her. She’s happy with him and uses him for sex. That’s not my life.

 

[Pliantjoed]

I think you may be right. A lot of people are probably living the definition of a female led relationship and just don’t realize it.
Most of what I write and comment about is strictly fantasy. I’m married and my marriage sounds exactly how you describe yours. It’s not that I want to be some controlling Domme or quee, it’s just I have a vision and plan and know where I want life to take us. My husband is happy to follow and help make my (our) vision a reality.
In my fantasy world it’s actually the complete opposite. I’m very submissive and put into humiliating situations and have no control over what choices are made. It’s quite the paradox

This actually sounds a lot like my fantasy!

In my mind my wife loves controlling me, loves teasing and denying and toying with me.

Behind closed doors she yearns to be controlled, she needs someone to make choices and decisions for her. Of course in my fantasy world this is sexual in nature. A strong controlling man that makes her submit. That makes her do all the kinky dirty things she won’t do with me. And she loves it. It’s controlling but still passionate, her begging him for more while I’m helpless watching, breaking a little more every time. This is the big driver of my cuckold fantasies honestly.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Pliantjoed]

Definitely one of my fantasies
The thought of being controlled in front of him is a huge turn on, both by a very dominant man or a dominant woman.
Like I said this is all fantasy for me, my husband and I do talk about fantasies while we have sex. Definitely not some of the more extreme kinky stuff I’ve posted about here but we do explore ideas. To give you an idea sometimes we’ll be making love and he’ll start telling me a story or fantasy that he knows will get me to orgasm. He’ll describe how he’s going to start teasing me in front of my best friend and get her to join in. He’ll say things like he’s going to make me eat her out while he takes me from behind. Nothing over the top extreme, and certainly nothing we are prepared to do in real life. But it makes our love making sessions much more intense.
Ok sorry for rambling

This is certainly hot. I may have to try some of this with my wife and see how it goes.

No apology needed for rambling! First it wasn’t rambling, second I appreciate the perspective you bring to the discussion.

 

[policywank]

For us female led relationship means (obviously) I lead in whatever direction I see fit. If it was all about indulging a certain set of kinks I wouldn't be leading, I would be following a script.

Meanwhile leading doesn't mean just doing whatever I want or being as selfish as I like. Good leaders lead for the benefit of their follower(s) as well themselves. There are perks and privileges to the role because it also involves burdens and responsibilities.

Much of the time my leadership involves day-to-day activities with nothing sexual or kinky at all. But I know he loves those things so I also sprinkle them throughout his day and do often lead into more sexual or kinky things as well.

One of the greatest benefits for us is clarity. While I fully believe in equality between spouses in the sense that both are of equal value and equally eligible for any given role in the relationship, equality in the sense that every little thing has to be 50/50 can be paralyzing. Think about any company or government body - you need leadership because nothing would ever get done if everyone had to agree on everything every step of the way.

In a relationship something as simple as choosing a place to go for dinner or deciding whether to accept an invitation to a social event can become an exercise in each partner trying to accommodate the other to the point that clarity is lost. Are you saying let's eat Chinese because that is what you are craving right now or because you know I like Chinese? Is what you want your own personal preference or an opportunity to defer to the other person's preference? If the other person just wants to please their partner how can you get an honest view of their personal preference? As the leader in an FLR I inform my husband that we are going out and where we are going and tell him to get a reservation for the designated time. But I don't always choose my favourite or his favourite. I mix it up and make sure that we both get a share of our favourite restaurant and a share of the pleasure that comes from putting the other person's preferences first. I take it upon myself to strike that balance so that we have both have clarity. I do the same in the bedroom. If I make decisions geared to my preferences he enjoys focussing on my pleasure. But if I make decisions that focus on his preferences he is free to enjoy his indulgent without think "oh maybe I should be focussing more on her and what she wants" because rather than indulging in that potentially circular thinking he focusses on obedience to my clear commands.

It so happens that there are some chores I don't enjoy and he is keen to do them if I order him around and make him do them naked with his cock in a cage. That is a win-win, but we may never have found that without me having a clear leadership mandate.

 

[twister947]

For us female led relationship means (obviously) I lead in whatever direction I see fit. If it was all about indulging a certain set of kinks I wouldn't be leading, I would be following a script.

Meanwhile leading doesn't mean just doing whatever I want or being as selfish as I like. Good leaders lead for the benefit of their follower(s) as well themselves. There are perks and privileges to the role because it also involves burdens and responsibilities.

Much of the time my leadership involves day-to-day activities with nothing sexual or kinky at all. But I know he loves those things so I also sprinkle them throughout his day and do often lead into more sexual or kinky things as well.

One of the greatest benefits for us is clarity. While I fully believe in equality between spouses in the sense that both are of equal value and equally eligible for any given role in the relationship, equality in the sense that every little thing has to be 50/50 can be paralyzing. Think about any company or government body - you need leadership because nothing would ever get done if everyone had to agree on everything every step of the way.

In a relationship something as simple as choosing a place to go for dinner or deciding whether to accept an invitation to a social event can become an exercise in each partner trying to accommodate the other to the point that clarity is lost. Are you saying let's eat Chinese because that is what you are craving right now or because you know I like Chinese? Is what you want your own personal preference or an opportunity to defer to the other person's preference? If the other person just wants to please their partner how can you get an honest view of their personal preference? As the leader in an FLR I inform my husband that we are going out and where we are going and tell him to get a reservation for the designated time. But I don't always choose my favourite or his favourite. I mix it up and make sure that we both get a share of our favourite restaurant and a share of the pleasure that comes from putting the other person's preferences first. I take it upon myself to strike that balance so that we have both have clarity. I do the same in the bedroom. If I make decisions geared to my preferences he enjoys focussing on my pleasure. But if I make decisions that focus on his preferences he is free to enjoy his indulgent without think "oh maybe I should be focussing more on her and what she wants" because rather than indulging in that potentially circular thinking he focusses on obedience to my clear commands.

It so happens that there are some chores I don't enjoy and he is keen to do them if I order him around and make him do them naked with his cock in a cage. That is a win-win, but we may never have found that without me having a clear leadership mandate.

Can you talk a little bit about money? How do y'all handle financial decisions?

 

[MissMandy86]

I always dreamed of marrying a .. well off slave who would support me totally while I..lived my life and stuck him with all the chores and errands .. lol

 

[policywank]

Can you talk a little bit about money? How do y'all handle financial decisions?

Sure. As a starting point keep in mind that I don't seek to be a dictatorial leader (or at least not beyond what we both find stimulating in D's play). I try hard to be informed about my Sub's preferences and priorities and to a certain degree I consult with him regularly. It isn't the sort of "what do you think I should do?" kind of consultation because that wouldn't really be leading. But using my restaurant analogy I do inquire as to whether he liked his meal (and insist on honest answers), I pay attention to what he orders, I'll ask him which are his favourite restaurants in conversations that are distant from an immediate decision of where to eat, etc.. In other words, I make the final decision, but I ensure that it is a well informed decision.

When it comes to money that has always been my comfort zone. I broadly set the budgets and manage the savings and investments. We are not rich but we are comfortable enough that for necessities like groceries and car repairs and all the other errands my husband attends to he has full latitude to do what he needs to do to keep our lives in motion. When it comes to any non-necessities over $500 he is require to ask permission. Frankly that is part of the D's play - I would happily set the threshold higher but he enjoys the submission implicit in being compelled to ask permission. He gives me a monthly report - usually in some nominally compromising position because that turns him on. I rarely have any comments aside from a few straight forward questions. It just helps me know what is going on broadly.

Decisions on bigger ticket items are led by me. For instance, if we are at the stage of needing to get a new car I will ask him for a full report of most recent break downs and repair bills (chances are the monthly report will be what flags a potential issue). I'll ask him what he thinks of our current vehicle and what he thinks we need in our next vehicle from the perspective of my submissive partner who attends to household errands. Then I give him a range of criteria to assess options for a replacement including possible specific suggestions. He then gives me a full report on that and I make a decision from there. He gets no say in that decision, but he is the one who provides the source data so I get a very good idea of what he thinks.

The last time we bought a home it was a similar sort of process, but more in depth because of the dollars at stake. I get information on his preferences or priorities then make the final decision with those and my own preferences and priorities in mind. That seems to the right balance of taking his perspective into consideration without having it be consensus decision. The whole process of preparing a report (formal, verbal or casual) is very deferential and therefore submissive. It allows him to exercise his knowledge and abilities while fully submitting to my final authority.

There may come a time when we have more sensitive topics to address. Like if one of our parents becomes ill and we must decide between various care options. I think we will manage it the same way with the level of investigation and information gathering commensurate with the gravity of the decision (financially or otherwise). But I can imagine scenarios where it is his parents and their future at stake where I may need to take a reduced role. I have no problem doing so, but it I think he may find that to be more of a challenge. I could see that being a situation where even if I do make the final decision there will have to be at least a brief moment of "what do you think we should do?" for him to address. But my guess is that it will simply be more and deeper analysis and information gathering with the final decision by me.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Sure. As a starting point keep in mind that I don't seek to be a dictatorial leader (or at least not beyond what we both find stimulating in D's play). I try hard to be informed about my Sub's preferences and priorities and to a certain degree I consult with him regularly. It isn't the sort of "what do you think I should do?" kind of consultation because that wouldn't really be leading. But using my restaurant analogy I do inquire as to whether he liked his meal (and insist on honest answers), I pay attention to what he orders, I'll ask him which are his favourite restaurants in conversations that are distant from an immediate decision of where to eat, etc.. In other words, I make the final decision, but I ensure that it is a well informed decision.

When it comes to money that has always been my comfort zone. I broadly set the budgets and manage the savings and investments. We are not rich but we are comfortable enough that for necessities like groceries and car repairs and all the other errands my husband attends to he has full latitude to do what he needs to do to keep our lives in motion. When it comes to any non-necessities over $500 he is require to ask permission. Frankly that is part of the D's play - I would happily set the threshold higher but he enjoys the submission implicit in being compelled to ask permission. He gives me a monthly report - usually in some nominally compromising position because that turns him on. I rarely have any comments aside from a few straight forward questions. It just helps me know what is going on broadly.

Decisions on bigger ticket items are led by me. For instance, if we are at the stage of needing to get a new car I will ask him for a full report of most recent break downs and repair bills (chances are the monthly report will be what flags a potential issue). I'll ask him what he thinks of our current vehicle and what he thinks we need in our next vehicle from the perspective of my submissive partner who attends to household errands. Then I give him a range of criteria to assess options for a replacement including possible specific suggestions. He then gives me a full report on that and I make a decision from there. He gets no say in that decision, but he is the one who provides the source data so I get a very good idea of what he thinks.

The last time we bought a home it was a similar sort of process, but more in depth because of the dollars at stake. I get information on his preferences or priorities then make the final decision with those and my own preferences and priorities in mind. That seems to the right balance of taking his perspective into consideration without having it be consensus decision. The whole process of preparing a report (formal, verbal or casual) is very deferential and therefore submissive. It allows him to exercise his knowledge and abilities while fully submitting to my final authority.

There may come a time when we have more sensitive topics to address. Like if one of our parents becomes ill and we must decide between various care options. I think we will manage it the same way with the level of investigation and information gathering commensurate with the gravity of the decision (financially or otherwise). But I can imagine scenarios where it is his parents and their future at stake where I may need to take a reduced role. I have no problem doing so, but it I think he may find that to be more of a challenge. I could see that being a situation where even if I do make the final decision there will have to be at least a brief moment of "what do you think we should do?" for him to address. But my guess is that it will simply be more and deeper analysis and information gathering with the final decision by me.

Sounds like a great partnership.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Sure. As a starting point keep in mind that I don't seek to be a dictatorial leader (or at least not beyond what we both find stimulating in D's play). I try hard to be informed about my Sub's preferences and priorities and to a certain degree I consult with him regularly. It isn't the sort of "what do you think I should do?" kind of consultation because that wouldn't really be leading. But using my restaurant analogy I do inquire as to whether he liked his meal (and insist on honest answers), I pay attention to what he orders, I'll ask him which are his favourite restaurants in conversations that are distant from an immediate decision of where to eat, etc.. In other words, I make the final decision, but I ensure that it is a well informed decision.

When it comes to money that has always been my comfort zone. I broadly set the budgets and manage the savings and investments. We are not rich but we are comfortable enough that for necessities like groceries and car repairs and all the other errands my husband attends to he has full latitude to do what he needs to do to keep our lives in motion. When it comes to any non-necessities over $500 he is require to ask permission. Frankly that is part of the D's play - I would happily set the threshold higher but he enjoys the submission implicit in being compelled to ask permission. He gives me a monthly report - usually in some nominally compromising position because that turns him on. I rarely have any comments aside from a few straight forward questions. It just helps me know what is going on broadly.

Decisions on bigger ticket items are led by me. For instance, if we are at the stage of needing to get a new car I will ask him for a full report of most recent break downs and repair bills (chances are the monthly report will be what flags a potential issue). I'll ask him what he thinks of our current vehicle and what he thinks we need in our next vehicle from the perspective of my submissive partner who attends to household errands. Then I give him a range of criteria to assess options for a replacement including possible specific suggestions. He then gives me a full report on that and I make a decision from there. He gets no say in that decision, but he is the one who provides the source data so I get a very good idea of what he thinks.

The last time we bought a home it was a similar sort of process, but more in depth because of the dollars at stake. I get information on his preferences or priorities then make the final decision with those and my own preferences and priorities in mind. That seems to the right balance of taking his perspective into consideration without having it be consensus decision. The whole process of preparing a report (formal, verbal or casual) is very deferential and therefore submissive. It allows him to exercise his knowledge and abilities while fully submitting to my final authority.

There may come a time when we have more sensitive topics to address. Like if one of our parents becomes ill and we must decide between various care options. I think we will manage it the same way with the level of investigation and information gathering commensurate with the gravity of the decision (financially or otherwise). But I can imagine scenarios where it is his parents and their future at stake where I may need to take a reduced role. I have no problem doing so, but it I think he may find that to be more of a challenge. I could see that being a situation where even if I do make the final decision there will have to be at least a brief moment of "what do you think we should do?" for him to address. But my guess is that it will simply be more and deeper analysis and information gathering with the final decision by me.

Sorry. To add onto this, on a personal note do you also have similar incomes? For me personally what you describe is how I’ve always operated. In both of my marriages we just pooled everything although my first marriage was a lesson in making stupid mistakes (although I did learn a lot). In this marriage going on 18plus years my wife and I from the beginning pooled everything and we also have similar incomes, I tend to be the one making the decisions on the expenditures and investments but like you we‘re comfortably off so a lot of the day to day stuff doesn’t matter that much. I will tend to highlight an issue if I see a concerning trend, spending too much on eating out for example. She also tends to ask permission if she’s going to spend money on more luxury type items if its a few hundred, but there is no kink associated with it. I find this stuff very interesting because so many people do it differently, I’m always surprised when I hear from a friend who has been married for over 20 years talk about being it being just his/her money. I always talk about it as our money, irrespective of whose name was on the pay-slip, this was particularly helpful when she took a number of years off from “paid work” when we had children. She does like to refer to one of the cars as my car, which kind of bugs me, and I think she knows it . To be fair though I did want the car and drove the purchase of it (with her approval), and I don’t refer to her jewelry as ours, so I generally let it go. Also for the record she drives “the car“ when ever she wants so its not like it’s exclusively driven etc. Just one last note as I’ve said before I’m a fan of yours and inevitably on some of your posts, especially the more kinkier or sexual there will be a “your partner is so lucky” and absolutely he is, but for the record he sounds awesome and so you’re pretty lucky too. Although we’re just strangers to each other the fact you and your partner exist makes me happy.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I’m always surprised when I hear from a friend who has been married for over 20 years talk about being it being just his/her money. I always talk about it as our money, irrespective of whose name was on the pay-slip,

Yup, this.
I just don’t get it.

 

[twister947]

Yup, this.
I just don’t get it.

Sometimes two people can't see eye to eye on money matters, but in most other things are compatible.