First try

[icansatisfy]

Here's my first try: Entitled "Wanna Bet?" under "Exhbitionism/Voyeur"
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=197386

My author name is "icansatisfy" - Would appreciate constructive criticism.

 

[msboy8]

I R.V.C.ed your story. Good first story. It ended the way I wanted it to, but there could have been more to the story after they left the bar. Keep writing!

 

[icansatisfy]

Thanks MSboy8

Appreciated your comments both here and in the comments section. I will write more about Brian & Teresa's love life later .

Thanks again ...

 

[Singularity]

Some Hopefully Helpful Suggestions

Hello icansatisfy, and welcome to Lit.

I read 'Wanna Bet?' and while the story flows and moves well, and you paint a nice picture of what happened, there are a few simple, yet very effective, things you can do to improve your writing.

First of all, this is a story that begs for more dialog between the characters. It is often more interesting to the reader to learn about what is going on, and what the characters are like through dialog instead of description. When a story is mostly or all descriptive text about what happens, it can come across as a bit "flat." It takes some practice to write conversations that both sound natural and that help to illuminate the scene and the mood you're trying to convey.

Second, I would stay away from the "numbers." Many readers tend to see the tape-measure reporting of a woman's bra size or a man's cock as being a turn-off. You only did it once or twice, I think, but when it occurs in the first couple of paragraphs, you can lose a lot of readers who will back-click at that point.

Another important structural point is that you should change paragraphs when you change focus from one character to another, and when different characters speak. It greatly helps the flow and readability. As the author, you've read the words probably a dozen times or more, and you follow the transitions automatically. But your reader is going to read this only once, and making the story easy on the eyes and easy to follow lets them concentrate on the story instead of on parsing and understanding who is saying or doing what. Again, simple, but very effective.

Lastly, I'd suggest reading some other writers' work that you really like; and read a story once as a reader for the story part, and then go back and re-read it again looking at it as a writer, "deconstructing" how the author blended description and dialog, and action and thoughts and emotions to tell that story.

I'll wager that the second story will be a great leap forward, too. Wanna bet?

I hope this helps.

 

[icansatisfy]

Dear Singularity,

WOW! Thanks so much for your response and suggestions. I truly want to learn the craft of writing and, maybe, one day make a living doing it. Your suggestions are incredibly helpful. I will take them to heart in my next writing adventures.