First Time Writer

[DirrtyGirl]

Similar to other's i have just had my first story posted and would appreciate any comments anyone has to offer.

The anonymous feedback had been good (thanks to those who contributed!), but not in the line of constructive criticism!

Before any one criticises my spelling, I'm from England, so not all our spellings corresponde!

I look forward to recieving your comments



x x x

PS Just in case the story is Lost and Found (Erotic Couplings)

 

[Guest]

You've got an ''H'' mark. Congrats!

I might read it later.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

First comment: If you want people to give you feedback, give them a link to your story,

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=80491&page=1

Now:

I noticed that it was "hood" at first, then "bonnet" later on.

It's not really your first story, is it love? Maybe your first story published here, but you are a very writerly writer. You know your way around a story. Your dialog and your pacing are excellent. Your tow truck driver was quite believeable; his interaction with the narrator was very nicely done. The plot was cute. There's not a beginner's error in sight, as far as I could tell.

The sex was hot enough. It was a very good story. You've got all the tools.

Now why don't you stretch a little and write a great story? I'll bet you could do it.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

I drew my teeth very gently down his shaft

Cover them up with lips, please.

LOL

 

[DirrtyGirl]

Dr M.

Thanks for the comments, i didn't notice the car bonnet/hood thing!

But I have to say that this is my first full story i have written. I write properly (so to speak) maybe because i read ALOT and pick up bits from this. I studied English at 'A Level' and had to write essays etc then, but this is the first thing that is completely mine.

And thanks for the link tip - the internet scares the hell out of me!

 

[DirrtyGirl]

ChilledVodka

I know most men don't like it but my ex-boyfriend, use to love me GENTLY running my teeth up and down when i gave him a blowjob.

Each to their own i suppose!!!

 

[gauchecritic]

ChilledVodka

I know most men don't like it but my ex-boyfriend, use to love me GENTLY running my teeth up and down when i gave him a blowjob.

Each to their own i suppose!!!

What? He doesn't like it any more? Or is he an ex-boyfriend?

I read your story and thought it was v.good, though I was put off by the Americanisms especially when you use the English arse instead of ass but then go on to 'popping the hood'.

The other thing that springs to mind is shouldn't the bloke have had an AA uniform and a big flashing van with AA written all down the side? The fact that there is no mention of this gave away the ending a bit.

However the story as a whole was v.entertaining and like the Doc says 'you know your craft' Let's see some more.

Gauche

 

[DirrtyGirl]

Gauche:

The teeth thing - the guy is an ex-boyfriend - thankfully!

I appreciate the comments you left.

The American/English thing comes from having dual nationality parents, one from each! Some things just slip through the system without me realising!

As for the AA details, i was trying to save the ending by not mentioning the van, jacket etc, just letting most people assume that these things were present. Maybe i'll give more details next time.

Thanks again

 

[tmarcl]

Very nice story. A few things, though:

First, I'm not in Britain, so I don't know: Is it AA there? Over here it's AAA (the American Auto Association). AA is Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm going to avoid correcting some of what looks like spelling errors, since I know British English and American English aren't necessarily the same.

However, there are several minor punctuation errors, as well as a couple of minor tense mixups. Since they seem accidental, you may want to go over it again carefully and correct them.

Now she was living with her fiancé, in a large country house, in the middle of the country, with no bloody signposts!!

Don't overuse exclamation points. One is sufficient.

Swearing profusely, I opened the door and got out,

This is mostly an IMO thing, but take out 'profusely'. 'Swearing' by itself is sufficient. Again, that's just an opinion.


“Hi. I’ve broken down and need assistance. The only problem is I have no idea here I am,” I said helpfully.

First, if you use an adverb to describe an action, you need a comma between the verb and the adverb. It should say, 'I said, helpfully.'

Secondly, why helpfully? For one thing, her comment is anything *but* helpful. Secondly, she's the one calling for help, not Amy.

Finally, I'm a little confused about the man's change in attitude. If he's willing to coerce her into giving him a blowjob, he's not likely to suddenly become gentle and solicitous as soon as she becomes willing. If anything, he's going to intensify the harshness since it's obvious she's enjoying it.

Marc

 

[TechNerd]

story feedback

I enjoyed the story. Quite good for a first effort.

A few comments:
If she had a set of reasonable clothes with her, why didn't she change before the encounter? I know it works better for the story if she doesn't, but it is an odd way to act.

It is my opinion that EVERYONE needs a proof reader, and that includes you. It is almost impossible to proof your own stories. You see what you meant to write, not what was actually written. How can you be dispassionate about your own writing? So get either a very good friend or a stranger to proof your work

You have talent. Keep writing. I will keep reading.

Of course, I am a
TechNerd

 

[welshman]

A British girly eh? not enough of those here It's good for a first story. You can get an editor from Literotica if you want, someone to read the story before you post it. I think there's a link at the home page. As a general rule write about what turns you on that should come through in your stories. I saw in your members profile that you list BDSM as a fetish, write about that, put yourself in situations that would turn you on and the reader should empathise with your character. Plus you'll get turned on yourself while you're writing! Good luck. WM

 

[A-nonimous]

Teeth on the shaft

For what it is worth, Dirtygirl, I wasn't into that until I had an "experience" I wrote about it in my story "The dungeon". since then, I have enjoyed it.

As for the rest of your story, I admit that I havent read it yet. But I am going now to read. If it is as good as the reviews, I will definitely be looking for more from you.