First time writer - Feedback request

[Christopher41]

This is the first thing I've ever written apart from English paprs lol.

I'm looking for honest feedback or suggestions. Doesn't mean I need rude feedback just constructive. Thanks

http://www.literotica.com/s/friday-night-surprise-1

 

[roomfor1more]

I hope you read my reply as a way to improve and not a criticism of your writing. To begin with I would have like to have had the story longer with more descriptions added in order to bring the story alive. Second you need to realize you are writing for a larger audience that goes beyond someone that you care about who wrote this story for. This means you need to keep a perspective, either first person or third person. Switching between first and second may be understandable but when you write for an audience it is very annoying. Final point goes with this first point, you need to move beyond writing as commentator giving the blow by blows and find ways to make the story come to life. My feeling if you can do this you will write some pretty amazing stories.

 

[ChrissieLecker]

Hi and congrats to having your first story online. Like roomfor1more, I don't mean to discourage you from writing more. You have a nice scene there with a lot of wicked potential.

There are a few things you could improve though - all suggestions, of course, to be taken with a grain of salt, I'm hardly a writing genius:

Your story is tight and rushed. Partly because of the first/second person narrative, partly because of the stylistic devices you use (perhaps unsciously). The "I" and "you" speed up the progress of a story and can to certain extent replace the introductury paragraphs third person necessitates, but you need to be careful with that. I had to re-read parts of the story to be sure who the pronouns referred to and who did what to whom. That there is no indication when you switch between narration and direct speech didn't make it easier.

A very big point are commas. You have only two of those in the whole story, but a lot of your sentences need them. Especially when you want to amplify simultaneity with constructions like the following:

Teasing you even more I get behind you and run the head of my dick up and down your pussy pushing your face in her pussy telling you If you want this cock make her cum Ruth.

I know, this is supposed to read:
Teasing you even more, I get behind you and run the head of my dick up and down your pussy, pushing your face in her pussy, telling you: "If you want this cock, make her cum, Ruth."

Without the commas, my brain stumbled a bit, coming up with silly interpretations like:
Teasing you, even more, I get behind you and run, the head of my dick up and down your pussy, pushing your face in, her pussy telling you if you want this cock, make her cum, Ruth.

That broke the flow and distracted me from the story. Something you want to avoid doing to your readers.

If you look closely, a lot of your sentences start with a subject-less elliptic clause using the -ing form. That is a very sharp stylistic device if used sparingly, but becomes a blunt hammer when overused, because it breaks the natural flow of the language. Don't fear short sentences. Most of us have been urged in primary school to avoid them like the pest, but I believe that was just to get the kids to try their hands at them and later sound good in management meetings

I'd love to read a revised version of the story, with commas, quotation marks and a little more variation in the sentence structure.

 

[PennLady]

I read this earlier and wasn't sure what to write as far as feedback went. Generally speaking, I find this middling.

As others have mentioned, the I/you construction is annoying. Either have it be first person, or have it third person -- doesn't matter so long as it's consistent.

I also think the I/you trick leads to way too much "telling" the reader. To me, the POV is limited, and so I only know the emotions or feelings or thoughts of the narrator. The narrator can only guess at those of the other characters, unless the other characters say what is going through their heads. And if you're going with third person, it would be helpful if the exposition was broken up with dialogue so we could get to know the other characters.

I'd have to agree that the sentence structure was repetitive. Which may be a function of the I/you thing, I'm not sure.

 

[driphoney]

I read this earlier and wasn't sure what to write as far as feedback went. Generally speaking, I find this middling.

As others have mentioned, the I/you construction is annoying. Either have it be first person, or have it third person -- doesn't matter so long as it's consistent.

I also think the I/you trick leads to way too much "telling" the reader. To me, the POV is limited, and so I only know the emotions or feelings or thoughts of the narrator. The narrator can only guess at those of the other characters, unless the other characters say what is going through their heads. And if you're going with third person, it would be helpful if the exposition was broken up with dialogue so we could get to know the other characters.

I'd have to agree that the sentence structure was repetitive. Which may be a function of the I/you thing, I'm not sure.

You stole my thunder.

After reading the critiques here I think I should just go back to grammar school myself! Very smart advice given.

But since I can't and I have a thought, I'll go ahead and post it.

As PennLady mentions, the narrator can only guess at what the other character is thinking in first or second person. To me the following was disconcerting:

Its been so busy at work this week and you've been looking forward to Friday night with me all day. I've texted you throughout the day getting you in the mood. Telling you how much I want to taste you, dropping hints about watching you with another girl and how much I want your lips wrapped around my cock. As you drive home its so fucking hot today you think and my texts linger in the back of your head accompanied with the heat you can feel your panties already getting wet. I send you one last text to close your eyes when you get to the door as I have something special for you.

How can the narrating character know what "you" is thinking?

Sexting can be very hot in real life. You're going about your business, sitting in a restaurant eating enchiladas with a co-worker and all of a sudden a very naughty pic leaps up on your screen and you're trying to control an embarrassed ornery smile and fumbling to hide your phone! Great fun. But really hard to write and convey the same excitement. I'm not sure why. When I figure it out, I'll get back to you!

Good luck.