First time story approved. Feedback...?

[steve44uk]

Hi all
After a couple of years mainly hanging round the Personals board, I finally decided to write a story, which has just been approved (link below). I'd really like to hear people's opinions and feedback...
Steve

http://www.literotica.com/s/life-model-1

 

[MaxSebastian]

I thought your writing was great bar the occasional typo. Good pace, smooth flow, nice variation in vocabulary, a very readable style.

I'd avoid using brackets if I were you unless really, really necessary.

I think the plot was a relatively simplistic combination of two relatively common fantasies - strangers meet when a car breaks down, and artist tups his life model - so if I was to criticise, I'd suggest you fall down originality, but then where would erotic fiction be without popular fantasies?

I do think the characters were quite fun and lively, I liked the nervous build up, but still feel they leapt very quickly into things - the stripping naked for money aspect and the boffing the artist aspect. Perhaps the fact that you skipped over their introductory conversations (and therefore missed some of the flirting and signs of underlying attraction) with narrative summary instead of full dialogue meant you sacrificed some of the believability of the eventual coupling.

The sex scene was good, though you could have used a little more exploratory foreplay in my view.

And, good line to end the piece, suggesting things would continue (you'll get readers asking for more, I'm sure) but actually providing a nice sign off if you didn't want to write more.

I didn't like that the protagonist was called Steve, same as the author name, as it distracts from the fictional nature of the piece. I know Martin Amis did it in Money, but I've never been keen on the author putting themselves in a story.

But, overall I think you're pretty good, so I hope you'll take encouragement and keep writing and developing.