First submission

[insane_beauty]

So yeah...this is my first submission ever. Hope you like.

*Make Love To Me*

I don't want some random stranger
To pound away as I'm on my knees.

I don't want to be fucked,
Or spanked,
Or be bent over and slammed on a table,
As you satisfy yourself
Without asking me what I like.

I want strong arms around my hips,
Gentle caresses, sweet whispers promising ecstasy.
Fingers running through my hair,
Shoulders to hold on to as I lie on my back and enjoy every thrust,
Soft nibbles and love bites.

I don't want to be fucked.
I don't want wild, hair pulling sex
(As nice as it can be).
Just for one night...

...I want someone to make love to me.

 

[Senna Jawa]

So yeah...this is my first submission ever. Hope you like.

*Make Love To Me*

Actually, "First Submission" is a better title for your text than "Make love to me".

 

[PandoraGlitters]

I disagree that First Submission would be a better title for this poem, Senna, though it would be a better title altogether. The heart of this poem is that the narrator doesn't want to submit to abuse any longer, but wants the other to be romantic in his sex with her. The title as is does identify the core of the poem, but it isn't very surprising. I wonder if there might be some surprising way to get at why the narrator is at this place and have that be the title, such as, "Escape from the Room with the Green Door." Alright, that was a poor joke, but you get my drift, perhaps.

 

[insane_beauty]

You're right Senna - when I was coming up with a title for the thread, the phrase 'First Submission' simply blew me away.

ROFL at Pandora.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Show and Tell

Congratulations on your first post. This is a good start but the poem could be much better. First rule of poetry (mine anyway) is to show what the poem is about and not tell. Rather than list what’s going on in your poem try to illustrate it. You wrote:

“I don't want some random stranger
To pound away as I'm on my knees”

Move the text in a direction like this:

On all fours you are invisible

This is clear but still leaves room for the reader, so I would suggest you go through your poem and imagine it. Then write it as a series of images that tell a story. Start with a beginning image, middle image and an end. Then figure out a way to string them together avoid the over use of the word I. This is an effective exercise to get you thinking and writing in a different way. The way the poem is currently presented, the entire poem begins and ends in the first two lines. There is little reason to read through to the end. I hope you try the suggestion and present an altered version in this same thread.

U.P.

 

[Senna Jawa]

“I don't want some random stranger
To pound away as I'm on my knees”

Move the text in a direction like this:

On all fours you are invisible

The original is very naive but this suggestion is much-much worse, because it is pretentious, it is "tell" instead of "show". Ezra Pound said: Go in fear of abstractions, like this "invisible".

The dead verb "are" in "you are on..." shows (finally we have "shows") that despite being on Literotica for years you don't have a clue about poetry. Your advice to a novice was irresponsible and counter-productive. Indeed, a nothing word like verb "are" has a place in a poem only on special occasions, e.g. when it is a part of the lyrical subject voice. However, this is an open forum and all (yes, all) opinions are welcome, including the most ignorant suggestions. Poetry is the art of words and it abhors placebo like "are"--placebo kills poetry.

 

[Safe_Bet]

insane_beauty: I kinda liked it! Yeah, it could be better (like what can't?) and there are a couple of rough spots, but for a first efforts = pretty damn good!

If it were me, I'd pay attention to what Pandora and Unmasked Poet said - those "are" some pretty good suggestions, by a couple of people who "are" VERY knowledgeable.

My suggestion would be to work on improving this poem and write and submit a whole bunch more (like one per day) and work on fixing those. You will be amazed at how much your poetry will improve over the course of just a few weeks.

Senna: You "are" such a pompous asshat. If you wouldn't come across like the egotistical fuckstick that you "are", people might actually pay attention to you and you could actually help rather than hinder.

P.S. Senna -

"are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are!"

 

[insane_beauty]

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm going to work on it.

By the way, this is the original URL of the poem, feel free to rate. Be honest now. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=407548

 

[Senna Jawa]

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm going to work on it.

By the way, this is the original URL of the poem, feel free to rate. Be honest now. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=407548

Are you sure? I hardly ever vote, but if you insist then I'll vote it 1. Naeh, I better skip it. I hope I'll like your future poems better.

Good luck,