First submission - any feedback appreciated!

[Deviantsoul]

http://www.i.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=1467115

Hello all,

I recently submitted a story and would appreciate any feedback you have on it. I've got four more chapters so far to submit on this story arc, all around the same length (10k+ word count). Any feedback that I could I receive would allow me to refine these pre-submittal.

Thanks again in advance and happy reading all!

 

[hylas_]

Hey there, and welcome!

I'm only leaving a few short comments, and I'm afraid they're negative. But please take everything I say with an extra grain of salt, since I only read the beginning of your story, and I think I'm not really your target audience.

So, my main impression is that your language is clear, but I wish it had a bit more oomph. For example, you spend quite some time introducing Victoria to us - which I like - but after several paragraphs, I still didn't feel like I had a strong idea of who she was.

Two more minor points:

- I personally find it off-putting whenever numbers get thrown around (height, weight, bra size). I think there are more artful ways to get the physical attributes of a character across.

- Later, when you start changing POV's, the shifts could be handled more elegantly. I stumbled over it while reading.


I hope some of that was useful! And I hope you'll have fun here!

Oh, and there is a typo in the link you posted

 

[Deviantsoul]

Awesome, thanks for the feedback!

I'll take a look at the character development a bit more at the beginning, as it will also relate to other characters in the future stories.

Is the the typo the 'i'? I copied it from my iPhone, came from there.

Thanks for the heads up on the transitioning, I'll play around and see what I can do.

Thanks again, really appreciate it!

 

[DreamCloud]

I didn't get too deep into it. The writing is a little forced, like you were trying hard to be literarily inventive. Too many words when a few would do and plot points jumped over when more words were needed.

The first conversation with the secretary was awkward since you turned the important conversation, the one with the neighbor, into narrative. Also, a neighbor wouldn't call if the driveway was wet, but would call if water was streaming down it. You had a good chance at this point to establish a bit of homeowner panic, then the frustration of finding the cause. Everyone can commiserate with this type of pain.

You also missed how ironically soothing the warm soak in the large tub was, when water had been the cause of her issues. These types of things give your character a human personality that we all love to pick up on.

Keep writing! I can see the beginnings of a new talent.

 

[crisdixon]

Doesn't really flow

You start with a premise that could be interesting - woman's laundry is flooded out, has to put on something she'd normally reserve for a special occasion - but then it just proceeds into a series of disconnected lines without a real sense of flow from one thing to the next. It reads more like a personal fantasy than a story. I agree with the other person who commented that the weight and height measurements are oddly precise. If that were important to the story, I'd find some way of introducing it naturally, like maybe she's looking at herself and fretting about her height. Keep working at it!

 

[hadruprider]

On the whole I thought the writing and the sex were quite good. But two things I wasn't keen on:

I find the paragraph structure strange. The paragraphs are all very short, only one or two sentences long. This is right in the dialogue, but in the descriptive passages it seems wrong and makes the action seem a bit too disjointed.

Also - the plot. Man and woman meet in a hotel bar and have sex. How many literotica stories have this plot? There wasn't even a twist at the end (like, for example, it turns out that he is her husband), or any kind of cliffhanger to make the reader want to read chapter 2.

 

[Deviantsoul]

Thanks everyone for the feedback!

I can see the point on tying the bath water to the original cause of her day's problems. I'll take a look at combining the various sentences into a more condensed paragraph form.

In regards to being too verbose, that is a tendency of mine, I will admit. Even my boss has called me out on it, of all things.

The fault is mine in regards to the ending as I had already thought of the next beginning to chapter 2 and was writing it right after. I could easily clip a bit of that beginning to the end and spin it as a cliffhanger of sorts. I can see how I could do that.

Thanks again everyone, I really do appreciate the time you took to reply back.

 

[ManSellingMoons]

Hey

Hey man, have you ever played 20 questions? Google it if you havent.

Thats what you need to do with your characters here. What his favorite food? What are the five things she hates? Phobia? Drink/smoke/teetotaler? Whats his family nickname? etc etc

Just give them more personality. Not all of it needs to be in the story. It gets automatically conveyed without the readers being told all the aspects of it.

 

[Deviantsoul]

Chapter 02 is finally published!

https://www.literotica.com/s/she-awakens-ch-02

Thanks again everyone for the feedback on the first story I wrote here. I took a look and rewrote the second story quite a bit taking in the feedback I received. Surprisingly took longer than I thought what with life in the way.

That said, I'd appreciate any feedback that I could receive on it.

Also, I noticed that I get a fair number of views, but rarely any comments. Curious if that is the nature of the group I posted in, "Novels & Novellas", or just the general atmosphere here overall. I was warned on the side not to post in Loving Wives though, haha.

Thanks again everyone!

 

[Deviantsoul]

Ch.4 completed!

https://www.literotica.com/s/she-awakens-ch-04-sashas-secret

So I took a long hiatus, life got in the way unfortunately.

I am curious though, if a continued story takes a long pause like this, does that usually reflect badly on the writer with readers?

Or is it more of if a story is there, it will be read and judged accordingly?

Thanks for any feedback / advice in advance, nice to be back in the swing of writing again.