First story (Taboo), need feedback please, how to write natural dialogue?

[boyhood3]

I think I made a mistake by ending the story with a kiss, and not hardcore sex. I wanted to leave things to the imagination and write a part 2 perhaps. Anyway, I do want to get better at writing natural dialogue, that is the thing I struggle with the most I think. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated. I did not get any editing help unfortunately in spite of reaching out to a few editors. Thank you!
Story link - https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-mom-slow-dances-with-her-son

 

[TheWritingGroup]

There are lots of essays about writing dialog. Some of the ones at Literotica:

https://www.literotica.com/s/dialog-punctuation-tips-for-authors
https://www.literotica.com/s/tips-on-writing-dialog-said-smokey
https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-make-characters-talk

Disclaimer: incest stories are not my thing.

I'm looking at your story now. I'm speculating, but is American English not your native language? This sentence: "She had an attractive wheatish complexion ..." I've never seen the word "wheatish" before, and to an American (or at least, this American) it sounds unattractive, maybe because we think of bleached flour, a sickly pale white, when you say "wheat". Or maybe it's just me.

Why is the mother named (Swati) but the son only an initial (K)?

My reaction is that the dialogue is actually fine. It conveys your meaning, I think. Overall (ignoring the fact that I'm not into incest), the problem I had reading "Mom Slow Dances" is that the usage and punctuation are not standard (in my dialect of English). For one more instance, we (and the English) would not write, "She dismissed it off." The "off" isn't needed, although I can see it seeming logical since we do say "turned it off" or "called it off". In those phrases, the "off" changes the meaning. "She turned the tea kettle" means something different from "She turned the tea kettle off." "She dismissed it" contains the full meaning.

So, I guess it depends on who your target audience is. If it's Brits, Australians, Canadians, and/or Americans, you might want to work on usage and dialect. I'm not good at dialect myself, that is one thing I'm working on.

We can always improve as writers. My first story on Literotica was deliberately created to help me practice dialogue. I did want to say that, for me, dialogue is not your weak point.

-Annie

 

[ElectricBlue]

I'm looking at your story now. I'm speculating, but is American English not your native language? This sentence: "She had an attractive wheatish complexion ..." I've never seen the word "wheatish" before, and to an American (or at least, this American) it sounds unattractive, maybe because we think of bleached flour, a sickly pale white, when you say "wheat". Or maybe it's just me.

It's pretty clear that the author is Indian - the title and opening sentence tell you that.

@boyhood3 - you know your colloquial language far better than anyone here, so my advice would be, write what you hear people say from within your own culture, and don't try to translate it for another.

 

[boyhood3]

Thank you @ElectricBlue for that assuring response. I can't attempt to cater to a universal crowd always and tone down the colloquial part to that end. In fact, I always like to look up new words and phrases that might not be used in standardized english, I enjoy learning.

@TheWritingGroup Thanks for the feedback and the helpful links for improving dialogue. Wheatish here means light brown.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Interesting. "Wheat" as a color would be light brown to me, too.

View attachment 2445289

For some reason, when you write "wheatish" I think of the foods made from wheat, though. Sorry.

-Carl

 

[HaralLuhhan]

I think I made a mistake by ending the story with a kiss, and not hardcore sex. I wanted to leave things to the imagination and write a part 2 perhaps. Anyway, I do want to get better at writing natural dialogue, that is the thing I struggle with the most I think. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated. I did not get any editing help unfortunately in spite of reaching out to a few editors. Thank you!
Story link - https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-mom-slow-dances-with-her-son

I had that issue with editors too, never got responses, or the one I had responded once and then ghosted.

The biggest problem with the story is it's short, with no hooks to want people to read more parts.

The reason it's short is you kinda skimped o descriptions and feelings on what should have been important moments.

"She looked at him and then his lips, not realizing he was looking at hers. And then mother and son kissed with a longing that was tender, passionate, scalding all at the same time."

Don't tell us its passionate, show us.

My example rewrite:

She looked at him, his lips, his eyes. Conflicting emotions ran through her mind. This was her son, not some random handsome man. Why did she feel, this way? She turned away, only for him to grab her arm. She faced him again, gasping in shock, and something else, her lips parting, searching for something to say.

He slowly drew her towards him, and she allowed it. As his face approached hers, her eyelids began to close, almost as if she was under a spell. his lips approached hers, she could feel his hot breath, And then they were kissing. his lips were gentle, at first, his hand moved to cup her cheek.

She recovered from the shock, forgetting everything but the kiss. She began leaning into it, kissing with an urgency and desire she hadn't felt in years. His lips parted, his tongue darting out, surprised, she followed suit, her tongue meeting his as the kiss deepened. Longing for a connection overcame her. As they kissed, her hands caressed his back, stopping at his shoulder blades. She clung to his strong form for support, both physical and emotional.

Finally they parted, both breathing heavily. She remained in his arms, gazing into his eyes, wondering what would come next.


And that was off the top of my head

How are they feeling? What are they feeling? Why? Desire, conflict, wonder?

Good luck!

 

[HaralLuhhan]

Also, check out this thread. Might be useful to you
https://forum.literotica.com/thread...ing-course-in-january.1623893/#post-100082353

 

[lovecraft68]

Language difference aside, I did find it distracting the son's name is "K" is that an actual thing where you're from? Is it supposed to be short for something and we weren't told about it?

Another minor nitpick is to space out your paragraphs a bit more a couple of them are huge blocks that make them harder to read.

For the positive, I think the story had a good flow to it, and although in one sense the build up had the feel of quick cut editing in a video, it did make sense in how it progressed and served to make the reader anticipate how far it would go and how fast.

Ending with a kiss rather than something more isn't a deal breaker to me because the chapter was short to begin with and you are going to continue it. I suggest not waiting too long before the next part so people don't lose interest.

It's a decent all around first effort.

 

[boyhood3]

Language difference aside, I did find it distracting the son's name is "K" is that an actual thing where you're from? Is it supposed to be short for something and we weren't told about it?

Another minor nitpick is to space out your paragraphs a bit more a couple of them are huge blocks that make them harder to read.

For the positive, I think the story had a good flow to it, and although in one sense the build up had the feel of quick cut editing in a video, it did make sense in how it progressed and served to make the reader anticipate how far it would go and how fast.

Ending with a kiss rather than something more isn't a deal breaker to me because the chapter was short to begin with and you are going to continue it. I suggest not waiting too long before the next part so people don't lose interest.

It's a decent all around first effort.

Thank you for your comment and encouraging words. Yes, I acknowledge that I should space out longer paragraphs into smaller ones. The name K was an easy way out as a writer and meant to convey anonymity, I can now see it might not have been the best decision.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Thank you for your comment and encouraging words. Yes, I acknowledge that I should space out longer paragraphs into smaller ones. The name K was an easy way out as a writer and meant to convey anonymity, I can now see it might not have been the best decision.

The thing is, the mom knows her son's name. He isn't anonymous.


-Annie

 

[lovecraft68]

Thank you for your comment and encouraging words. Yes, I acknowledge that I should space out longer paragraphs into smaller ones. The name K was an easy way out as a writer and meant to convey anonymity, I can now see it might not have been the best decision.

But who is he supposed to be anonymous to? In the story its just mom and son, she knows his name. A device like only referring to people by an initial has the feel of some type of sex club scenario, not family.

One line: "My son (fill in the name here) but I've always called him K..." and you can then pull this off better.

 

[boyhood3]

I had that issue with editors too, never got responses, or the one I had responded once and then ghosted.

The biggest problem with the story is it's short, with no hooks to want people to read more parts.

The reason it's short is you kinda skimped o descriptions and feelings on what should have been important moments.

"She looked at him and then his lips, not realizing he was looking at hers. And then mother and son kissed with a longing that was tender, passionate, scalding all at the same time."

Don't tell us its passionate, show us.

My example rewrite:

She looked at him, his lips, his eyes. Conflicting emotions ran through her mind. This was her son, not some random handsome man. Why did she feel, this way? She turned away, only for him to grab her arm. She faced him again, gasping in shock, and something else, her lips parting, searching for something to say.

He slowly drew her towards him, and she allowed it. As his face approached hers, her eyelids began to close, almost as if she was under a spell. his lips approached hers, she could feel his hot breath, And then they were kissing. his lips were gentle, at first, his hand moved to cup her cheek.

She recovered from the shock, forgetting everything but the kiss. She began leaning into it, kissing with an urgency and desire she hadn't felt in years. His lips parted, his tongue darting out, surprised, she followed suit, her tongue meeting his as the kiss deepened. Longing for a connection overcame her. As they kissed, her hands caressed his back, stopping at his shoulder blades. She clung to his strong form for support, both physical and emotional.

Finally they parted, both breathing heavily. She remained in his arms, gazing into his eyes, wondering what would come next.


And that was off the top of my head

How are they feeling? What are they feeling? Why? Desire, conflict, wonder?

Good luck!

Thanks for the detailed comment @HaralLuhhan . I see what you're saying, wish I could rewrite the final scene now. Was lazy in how I ended it. This is a good rule for writing fiction in general, I will take note -
Don't tell us its passionate, show us.
How are they feeling? What are they feeling? Why? Desire, conflict, wonder?

Read your story, quite liked it. You have set it up nicely for fireworks to come later.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

Thanks for the detailed comment @HaralLuhhan . I see what you're saying, wish I could rewrite the final scene now. Was lazy in how I ended it. This is a good rule for writing fiction in general, I will take note -
Don't tell us its passionate, show us.
How are they feeling? What are they feeling? Why? Desire, conflict, wonder?

Read your story, quite liked it. You have set it up nicely for fireworks to come later.

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! Hopefully part 2 will live up to expectations. Unfortunately I'm not going to be able to get it out until after New Years.

You can edit and resubmit, technically. I've never tried it, and apparently it can take longer to get approved.