First Story, Seeking Feedback

[Tickle Teaser]

My first story has appeared on Literotica, entitled "A Ticklish Situation, Part 1" and I'm curious to see what folks here think of it. If the characters, setting, fetishes, etc. don't appeal, that's cool, but I am primarily seeking ideas from those who *are* into the sorts of things depicted in the story, on ways to help make Part 2 more exciting, sexier, and an all-round "better read." I am particularly hoping for feedback of this sort from female readers. Many thanks in advance!

TT

 

[Tickle Teaser]

Oh yes... PMs are always welcome, too!

TT

 

[Alex De Kok]

Read Laurel's Sticky

at the head of this section, and provide a link.

Otherwise you won't hear squat from anybody. But hey, I'm feeling charitable, so here it is:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=65000

Alex

 

[Tickle Teaser]

Oooops... by bad! Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=65000

Deepest apologies!

TT

 

[the_bragis]

Hi TT,

I'm sorry but I'm not really into non consensual or the tickle fetish, although I do enjoy bondage. I can tell you I thought your story was well written, the descriptions were vivid, and it all just looked fine.

I'm just not sure how well received your story is going to be with the Lit readers. Why, since it is so well written? Well, it is in the 'non-consensual' slot, and I'm just not certain readers searching that gentre are going to be into the tickle fetish. You give an excellent background, then a good start - she gets drugged, gagged, and tied up. You describe all this well, and I am sure any reader looking for a good n/c story would be chaffing at the bit by that stage of your story, but then you take a sudden twist to the rather gentle tickle fetish theme. I feel some readers may find that a little disappointing.

Hey, I could be be completely wrong here, and it wouldn't be the first time. This is just my humble opinion.

Have a good day.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Alex (fem)

 

[Madame Manga]

Not a lot going on...

Chapter 1? OK, but I don't think I can say much about a story when I've only read the first page of it. It's an intro, and it might lead to something interesting, but I can't tell yet.

That's a lot of intro. ;-) I.e., you start off with a long section of exposition--the physical description of your heroine and so on. It's reasonably well written and has plenty of verbs for a list of attributes, but it's still a list. When I'm getting acquainted with the characters in a story, I'd rather have them introduce themselves by means of action and dialog, as opposed to having them paraded in front of me as if they were in a lineup.

Of course you, the author, need to have a clear picture of your characters. If you don't know who they are, no one else will. Description adds richness and specificity to a story. But dishing up every detail at the beginning can cause indigestion. Let the reader discover the details as if he was ferreting them out on his own. That will keep the interest level higher.

The only thing I can suggest is to read writers who aren't going for that run-of-the-mill romance-novel Penthouse letter thing, which for some reason tends to cause information dump about the characters' physical appearance and sexual attributes. Most erotica isn't a good model for erotica writers, oddly enough. ;-)

Just as an exercise, try rewriting it all as a dialog scene. Work in those facts about Nina's flirtatiousness and cock-teasing as she speaks and reacts. Let Tom tell me who he is and how he sees her by the way he talks to her and to others. Describe body language and actions to get the point across. Give your reader a movie to watch, not a grocery list to read.

Discover a reason why Nina likes to tease but not to have sex. If you want her to be at fault in some way, this has got to be much more clear-cut. Frankly, she sounds more like she's got morals than like someone who is trying to hurt guys. I know this is Literotica, but since when is not putting out for every guy who wants it a cardinal sin? ;-) Prove it to me.

You're putting a lot of phrases into quotes for some reason. Come-hither, terrible tease, lead the boys on, conquest, cute older guy, and so on. Even big toes gets the quotes. It's not necessary to set ordinary expressions off from the rest of the narration.

Shapely, lifted, desperate are misspelled. In dialog, "one hundred percent" is better than "100%".

"Dizzy" is repeated.

The POV is somewhat inconsistent. We start out in her head--"Nina couldn't believe this was happening." Then we have that semi-detached narration about her attributes, then we're back in her head as she arrives at the house, and then, when she's trussed on the sofa, we're told all kinds of things about her bonds that she can't possibly know, such as the color of the string binding her thumbs behind her back. I know that bondage stories concentrate on the exact way the subject is bound, but if you want to describe her appearance in detail, you would probably have to do it from Tom's POV, or do the whole story in omniscient third person.

Take your POV pick and keep it picked, or you lose focus and solidity. Where are we and what do we know? POV shouldn't jump around for the author's temporary convenience. It can certainly jump around in some cases--I could cite some excellent writers who move between heads all the time--but be aware of where you are. Don't slide off into another authorial person by mistake--make it a conscious decision.

I am not a tickle fetishist or a bondage expert, so I can't add much on that aspect of the story.

Actually, it's not badly written. ;-) You've got good word choices and well-varied sentences, with very few errors of either grammar or spelling. I can tell you know what you are doing in general. My advice is to rethink some overarching issues--the writing itself is well done.

MM

 

[ticklechambers]

your first story

hey there, have you written any more of these kinds of stories?