First story published! Would love constructive criticism.

[MotherNotMommy]

Hi everyone!
My first story was just published, Neighbour Catches Me. It's a pretty short read, with mutual masturbation.

This is my firat attempt at erotica and I would love any constructive criticism you may have, especially regarding repetitive language, any gaps in the story, or where things could have been elaborated on.

I hope you enjoy it!

 

[UncleJunior]

I quite enjoyed it. The conversational, stream-of-consciousness flow works where it works and enhances the feel of your text. The internal dialogue of someone startled out of one private moment and into the next comes across.

It can be jarring around spoken dialogue, where I have to reset between the internal and external conversations, but not enough to lose me.

Good restraint, not giving the reader too much all at once. I look forward to the next one.

 

[AdeptOralist]

Hi everyone!
My first story was just published, Neighbour Catches Me. It's a pretty short read, with mutual masturbation.

This is my firat attempt at erotica and I would love any constructive criticism you may have, especially regarding repetitive language, any gaps in the story, or where things could have been elaborated on.

I hope you enjoy it!

I enjoyed your story very much. just the right length for a quick read and stroke. I hope that you write more!

 

[somber777]

I very much enjoyed your story. It's a really good story regardless, but especially considering this is your first. I think it can be difficult to try to find pacing or any sort of arc in a shorter story, but I think you did well with this one. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Finger8]

As a first, I think you did a remarkable job conveying that little fantasy. The style perfectly captures her state and then to have him unexpectedly show up provides the payoff we need to push it just a little further. I think it is one of those ideas that has universal appeal, the reader can put themselves into the narrative and be carried along. It could benefit from a few grammatical adjustments and perhaps another edit to tighten it up, but the situation is seductively detailed enough to deliver the necessary escape to arouse and enjoy. I look forward to more.

 

[ChloeOfCascadia]

Hi everyone!
My first story was just published, Neighbour Catches Me. It's a pretty short read, with mutual masturbation.

This is my firat attempt at erotica and I would love any constructive criticism you may have, especially regarding repetitive language, any gaps in the story, or where things could have been elaborated on.

I hope you enjoy it!

I felt the pacing was very nice, the story was long enough to satisfy, and the erotic bits were quite enjoyable.

I would recommend, if you wish, following up with these two characters because laying in bed for hours cuddling naked is going to lead to the silver fox's big daddy cock twitching to life and you are going to feel the firm erection pressed against your naked slit, probably while he cups your breasts from behind and gently squeezes them and plays with your nipples.

He's still excited from your sexual display and wants to hear you call him Daddy in a more urgent, desperate tone of voice.

That Daddy cock is going to want to sample you, and once he does, you're both going to want more positions, more hours, more visits, more nights.

He is going to want to be in your bed every day.

Just.... a thought! Please feel free to write whatever you want, as a male, 42, that is how I would personally react. So, I would say you've successfully seduced him.

 

[j_simms50x]

I loved it. As someone struggling to finish their first story I know it can be difficult to know how much exposition to give before getting down to the action. I also liked that you didn't over describe either of the characters because my imagination filled in the details for me and probably does for most readers. Anyway, if you wrote more I would read it.

 

[Vaexil00]

Wow "Neighbour Catches Me" is your first story? It's absolutely awesome such a captivating blend of tension desire and that perfect mix of vulnerability and boldness! When are you planning to write the next one? I'd love to see more of your storytelling magic. And speaking of visuals, your story deserves a custom cover art piece to capture its essence. As a professional artist specializing in paid commissions (like album covers), I could create something classy and seductive, hinting at the neighbour's smirk the wet dream vibes or that intimate bedroom scene. Check my portfolio here: https://betweenframes.carrd.co/
Does that idea make you melt a little? Let me know!