First story posted - Feedback greatly appreciated

[shelephant]

I just posted my first story to this site. It is a fairly straight forward erotic coupling story involving a waitress and a mysterious stranger. Any feedback is greatly appreciated as I hope to improve my writing skills.

Here is the link http://www.literotica.com/s/room-715

Thank You

 

[jackdaw]

If you're hoping for personal feedback, you might want to make it possible to receive private messages

 

[shelephant]

Thanks, I just enabled private messaging

 

[GoldenCojones]

Well written

The story was well written. I read it and I wasn't jarred from the story by poor grammar or misspelled words. The set up was pretty fast and I would have enjoyed exploring the main character more. I also prefer stories that build the world around the story. More description would have helped this.

Overall I liked it and I will read more of your stories, should you decide to post more.

 

[robertreams]

There are quite a few things I would change grammatically, but more importantly, the sex is so quick I don't know how anyone has time to feel anything. I would love more description and more use of the five senses, and much longer and more drawn out sex. I hope your real sex life isn't so fast. I thought when I read the first sex scene with the extra quick, unfeeling boyfriend that the second guy would be a contrast, but except for being bigger he was just as quick. and unfeeling.

 

[CWatson]

You are missing a lot of commas. Commas aren't always necessary (though sometimes they very much are--compare "Let's eat, Grandma" to "Let's eat Grandma!"), but they can be helpful. Think of them like traffic signals: they organize words so that they don't crash into each other.

Paradoxically, you also OVERUSE commas, because you are substituting them for a lot of other punctuation. This works--commas can replace basically everything except quotation marks and apostrophes--but your prose will read more smoothly if you master all the punctuation marks as they are meant to be used.

Other than that, I agree with the other responders: I want more details on the sex. A sex story lives and dies by its concrete details--you should engage all five senses as much as possible. I, personally, would also like more details about Kim and Max: what drew them together, what is driving them apart, why they have chosen to stay in the relationship. It doesn't have to be much, but a character is always more interesting when she feels and says things The Reader has also experienced. Give me a character I can empathize with, a character I like, and I'll condone cheating and dishonesty any day.

Those are my only comments. Please take that as a compliment: it means that much of your story is working as it should (at least, in my rather self-important opinion). Push yourself to get better, buy never lose sight of the fact that you're already getting it right. =)

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I just posted my first story to this site. It is a fairly straight forward erotic coupling story involving a waitress and a mysterious stranger. Any feedback is greatly appreciated as I hope to improve my writing skills.
Here is the link http://www.literotica.com/s/room-715

Thank You

As others have said, you rush the sex when it is the main point of the story.

I think Room 715 is a great beginning for your writing. Keep going.