First story - please help me improve!

[Feedback_please]

Dear all,

Firstly I've found this community very welcoming!

I've finally published my first story, and have already gotten the great feedback to change the perspective to first person, present tense (Which I most certainly will do).
However, I would appreciate some more feedback. Specifically on the pacing, and balance of sexual writing to non-sexual writing. Although I understand that there's always an element of personal preference.

Thank you!

https://literotica.com/s/a-meeting-on-the-train-1

 

[djrip]

First vs third person is preference, both are fine to use. I use third, but I stay close to one character, with their senses and thoughts in the narrative, no one else's. Third limited, I think it's called. If you use third omniscient, it might feel more detached. I do not think you need to change to first person at all, unless you want to.

Present tense is more of an issue. I did write a present tense story recently, but it was an experiment. Story should be past tense unless you're trying to do something weird on purpose.

Edit: although, about a page in, I'm not having any problem with the present tense usage. It's unusual but it reads fine. There are a few punctuation issues around dialogue however.

 

[djrip]

As for the rest I think you do a great job getting across the sense of excitement at meeting and being attracted to a new person. The tentative footsy, and especially the missing of the stop and acting like it's still coming up, to stay with the person and hide embarrassment, reminded me of things I've gotten up to for sure.

I think you handled them getting together well, seemed life like. The sex was hot.

And having read the rest now, it looks like you, too, use third person limited, switching focus between the two characters in different scenes. This is done well, and I would not try to change it to first person if I were you. You'd lose that ability to get into both their heads. Or you'd be switching between multiple first person POV's. Which you could do, of course. But I think your third limited is the way to go here.

 

[Feedback_please]

Thanks djrip,

II appreciate your comments, and it's good to get a different opinion.

I've had friends comment that it's difficult to tell sometimes when I'm chaning perspective, but that was an older draft which I've hopefully improved on now. I have wondered however if a first person perspective may make if clearer when I'm changing perspective.

 

[djrip]

I grew up reading fantasy series switching between lots of character POV's in limited third, so that feels natural to me. Multiple POV's in first can work but you'll have to get across that "I" doesn't mean who it meant in the previous section whenever it switches, which could confuse someone too.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I wish there was at least a mention of where this is taking place. I assume "carriages" is the term for "passenger cars" in Britain, but that is all we have to go on.

You don't have to overdo it with vast descriptions of places and landscapes; be brief but specific. I know it's one one of my hang-ups, but I usually will place such a story on a route I have been on myself. Maybe it gives some plausibility to what the characters are doing?

https://classic.literotica.com/s/turbotrain

https://classic.literotica.com/s/leave-the-driving-to-us

I hope that is helpful.

 

[Feedback_please]

I wish there was at least a mention of where this is taking place. I assume "carriages" is the term for "passenger cars" in Britain, but that is all we have to go on.

You don't have to overdo it with vast descriptions of places and landscapes; be brief but specific. I know it's one one of my hang-ups, but I usually will place such a story on a route I have been on myself. Maybe it gives some plausibility to what the characters are doing?

https://classic.literotica.com/s/turbotrain

https://classic.literotica.com/s/leave-the-driving-to-us

I hope that is helpful.

Thanks gunhilltrain,
It's a good point about being succinct with landscape descriptions, I will work that in.
I'm in New Zealand, and "carriages" is what we use here, I will add in "train carriages" for clarity. "Passenger cars" feels very unnatural to me!
I've deliberately not specified some details (such as the exact ages of the characters, allowing the reader to fill in as they wish. However you may have a point with basing the trip on a route I know. Unfortunately there aren't any real long-distance trains in New Zealand...
I'll have a read of your suggested stories too.

Thanks again!

 

[gunhilltrain]

Thanks gunhilltrain,
It's a good point about being succinct with landscape descriptions, I will work that in.
I'm in New Zealand, and "carriages" is what we use here, I will add in "train carriages" for clarity. "Passenger cars" feels very unnatural to me!
I've deliberately not specified some details (such as the exact ages of the characters, allowing the reader to fill in as they wish. However you may have a point with basing the trip on a route I know. Unfortunately there aren't any real long-distance trains in New Zealand...
I'll have a read of your suggested stories too.

Thanks again!

Yes, I forgot about Australia and New Zealand. We have some members on Lit from those places. Ah, you can just use "carriages" if you wish; you did say it was on a train.

The amount of detail you put in or leave to the reader's imagination - that is a difficult question. There are no exact guidelines; every story is different. Published writers have different ways of doing it too. The late John Updike could really pile on the descriptions, but he mostly got away with it. He did loose me by spending more than two pages describing two guys in a golfing match - I think it was in Rabbit Is Rich.

 

[Feedback_please]

Yes, I forgot about Australia and New Zealand. We have some members on Lit from those places. Ah, you can just use "carriages" if you wish; you did say it was on a train.

The amount of detail you put in or leave to the reader's imagination - that is a difficult question. There are no exact guidelines; every story is different. Published writers have different ways of doing it too. The late John Updike could really pile on the descriptions, but he mostly got away with it. He did loose me by spending more than two pages describing two guys in a golfing match - I think it was in Rabbit Is Rich.

Yeah, it's a balance I still have to work out for myself. Hopefully it'll come with experience!

 

[yukonnights]

In response to your 1st POV thoughts; Below is a small snippet from your story. I write predominantly in first POV and I'll try to do an example based on it. Hopefully, this will give you more info than just a suggestion on POV.
*****
From the original story;

A moment later, a soft voice asks behind his shoulder "is this seat taken?"

Mostly out of polite habit Mac replies "Please go ahead." He turns to look and can't believe his luck, it's the woman from the platform. She is even more stunning up close, although her baggy green t-shirt does its best to hide her form. As she reaches up to place her bag in the overhead rack, her shirt rides up and he catches a glimpse of her delicious toned stomach. Mac has an almost irresistible desire to reach out and run his fingers over her smooth skin, but that would be a sure-fire way to get her to move to another seat. It is a highly inappropriate way to greet a stranger. Besides, she may well be a in a committed relationship, or not be into men at all. In saying that, she did choose to sit with him in an otherwise almost empty carriage.
*****
A rendering in 1st POV;

I'd only been sitting in the booth a moment when the soft sultry voice of a woman asks, "Is this seat taken?"

"Please, go ahead." I have a second thought and turn to see who I've invited to barge into my space — to my surprise I find myself staring into the blue eyes of the woman from the platform. At a sudden loss of words, I sorta just stare as she reaches to put her bag in the overhead rack — the baggy shirt that had somewhat hid her form slides up and I get a delicious glimpse of her toned stomach. I fight off an almost irresistible desire to reach out and run my fingers over her flawless skin — the other part of my brain warns me such a move would be a sure-fire way to get her to move to another seat. I decide on asking, "Do you need some help with your bag?"

Her smile in return somewhat stuns me.

"It is a bit of a reach — if you don't mind."

I jump up and take over the lifting of the bag — she's mere inches from me and the scent of her perfume is a perfect compliment to everything else. "My name is William, but everyone calls me Billy."

"Thank you for the help Billy, I'm Laura." I can tell he's a bit shy … but his nice manners are just a complement to his nice looks.

****
So, he's a quick idea of the difference between 3rd POV and 1st POV. IMO, 1st POV is much more intimate as it affords a way to get closer into the feelings and thoughts of the characters. The key to success is that the author has to provide clues as to which character is thinking or speaking so the reader can keep on track. If you like 1st person POV, I'd suggest you give it a try.

That said, there are other stories that benifit from the third omniscient POV . This is especially true in stories that have a lot of characters. I find the close 1st is usable up to about four characters and more than that is hard to pull off.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Yeah, it's a balance I still have to work out for myself. Hopefully it'll come with experience!

I have been at this for a while and I haven't worked it all out either. There's no formula that works for every story.

 

[Feedback_please]

In response to your 1st POV thoughts; Below is a small snippet from your story. I write predominantly in first POV and I'll try to do an example based on it. Hopefully, this will give you more info than just a suggestion on POV.
*****
From the original story;

A moment later, a soft voice asks behind his shoulder "is this seat taken?"

Mostly out of polite habit Mac replies "Please go ahead." He turns to look and can't believe his luck, it's the woman from the platform. She is even more stunning up close, although her baggy green t-shirt does its best to hide her form. As she reaches up to place her bag in the overhead rack, her shirt rides up and he catches a glimpse of her delicious toned stomach. Mac has an almost irresistible desire to reach out and run his fingers over her smooth skin, but that would be a sure-fire way to get her to move to another seat. It is a highly inappropriate way to greet a stranger. Besides, she may well be a in a committed relationship, or not be into men at all. In saying that, she did choose to sit with him in an otherwise almost empty carriage.
*****
A rendering in 1st POV;

I'd only been sitting in the booth a moment when the soft sultry voice of a woman asks, "Is this seat taken?"

"Please, go ahead." I have a second thought and turn to see who I've invited to barge into my space — to my surprise I find myself staring into the blue eyes of the woman from the platform. At a sudden loss of words, I sorta just stare as she reaches to put her bag in the overhead rack — the baggy shirt that had somewhat hid her form slides up and I get a delicious glimpse of her toned stomach. I fight off an almost irresistible desire to reach out and run my fingers over her flawless skin — the other part of my brain warns me such a move would be a sure-fire way to get her to move to another seat. I decide on asking, "Do you need some help with your bag?"

Her smile in return somewhat stuns me.

"It is a bit of a reach — if you don't mind."

I jump up and take over the lifting of the bag — she's mere inches from me and the scent of her perfume is a perfect compliment to everything else. "My name is William, but everyone calls me Billy."

"Thank you for the help Billy, I'm Laura." I can tell he's a bit shy … but his nice manners are just a complement to his nice looks.

****
So, he's a quick idea of the difference between 3rd POV and 1st POV. IMO, 1st POV is much more intimate as it affords a way to get closer into the feelings and thoughts of the characters. The key to success is that the author has to provide clues as to which character is thinking or speaking so the reader can keep on track. If you like 1st person POV, I'd suggest you give it a try.

That said, there are other stories that benifit from the third omniscient POV . This is especially true in stories that have a lot of characters. I find the close 1st is usable up to about four characters and more than that is hard to pull off.

I like the idea of using first person for stories with few characters, and third person for lots of characters, that makes a lot of sense.

 

[Feedback_please]

Thank you for the snippet yukonnights, I particularly like the transition of the point of view at the end, natural, seamless, and yet clearly defined.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thank you for the snippet yukonnights, I particularly like the transition of the point of view at the end, natural, seamless, and yet clearly defined.

The downside though - that could be characterised as head hopping, which throws a lot of readers out of a first person narrative. With only one sentence, one can't tell if it was deliberate or accidental.

The literary tradition when writing in first person is to inhabit only one head. Otherwise you might just as well write in close third person, with an intimate narrator.

Edit: I've just gone and had a quick look at your story, and I see that it is in fact written in close third person, with clearly defined pov changes (which work fine).

The problem for me though, isn't the point of view, it's the tense. I don't think changing to first person would help much (you'd lose her point of view, for a start), but changing to past tense would help enormously, I think. It would help the story telling relax, let it flow more naturally. Present tense can get exhausting to read after a while, because it's always in your face. Past tense allows you more control over a story's time keeping (to coin a phrase), because you can time-shift easily - whereas present tense is always "now".

 

[NoJo]

Nice tale, well told, in a comfortable, colloquial style, as though you were speaking. I like that.

The exception being the older woman who told him at length about her medical history

and with any luck he'd have some interesting conversations.

You have a habit of eliding words, which you need to watch, or use an editor!

Little does this man know, but she is secretly studying him in the reflection of the glass. He is the story-book combination of tall, dark and handsome, and has a friendly face.

That really does not work: As @electricblue66 says,- the head-hopping can jar, and it sure spoiled the narrative for me. It has to be done more carefully. The problem is that the male protagonist is firmly the centre of the story, and we're almost exclusively seeing the story through his eyes, so this section is odd.

 

[Feedback_please]

The downside though - that could be characterised as head hopping, which throws a lot of readers out of a first person narrative. With only one sentence, one can't tell if it was deliberate or accidental.

The literary tradition when writing in first person is to inhabit only one head. Otherwise you might just as well write in close third person, with an intimate narrator.

Edit: I've just gone and had a quick look at your story, and I see that it is in fact written in close third person, with clearly defined pov changes (which work fine).

The problem for me though, isn't the point of view, it's the tense. I don't think changing to first person would help much (you'd lose her point of view, for a start), but changing to past tense would help enormously, I think. It would help the story telling relax, let it flow more naturally. Present tense can get exhausting to read after a while, because it's always in your face. Past tense allows you more control over a story's time keeping (to coin a phrase), because you can time-shift easily - whereas present tense is always "now".

Thank you electricblue66, letting the story relax and flow is certainly worth doing!

 

[RoperTrace]

Thank you for the snippet yukonnights, I particularly like the transition of the point of view at the end, natural, seamless, and yet clearly defined.

That sudden change on the last line made me go back and read it two more times, but he's not totally awake at this hour.