First Story "Obsessed with Peggy": Feedback Welcome

[TheAverageJoe]

This was my first attempt writing erotic fiction. I had no luck getting it edited before I submitted it. I didn't notice this forum until after it was submitted.

Since this is my first submission, please feel free to offer any constructive criticism. I'm open to all suggestions. I am planning on writing other stories and would like for them to be as good as possible.

I used my trusty word processor but I'm sure that my grammar isn't the best. I would also appreciate help with the style of the story: Does it flow? Is it stimulating? Could it be worded better? I have no idea if the story will sound good to the reader so any help with this is greatly appreciated.

Here is the story http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=67657

Thanks for your help

TheAverageJoe

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Joe,

Read your story; thanks for posting it. You asked for feedback, so allow me mine.

Unless you're writing a novel that can handle multiple story-lines, it's generally a good idea to stick to one. Yours is a cascade of all different events that create the impression of a muddle of incestuous activities without a story behind it that would make them a probable thing to happen for the reader.

Always remember when writing that it is you who has to seduce the reader into liking your story. So look at his/her perspective. Convince him. Make him think he simply has to read on.

Then look at your writing again. Do some stats on how many of your sentences start with "she", "peggy", "tammy"or "joe". I didn't do them, but wouldn't be surprised if it would be over 90%. That means that all your sentences are structured the same way. And frankly, that is extremely boring to read. Good writing is about carefully using different tenses, perspectives. Make your characters think and do in stead of describing indirectly what they do. Make your reader identify with your characters.

Make your characters convincing. Have them do convincing things. For instance: 36D voluptuous women very rarely have a tight ass, and even more rarely will they be in need of a push up bra. So don't have mum give Peggy one, because your reader be left with disbelief rather than interest to read on.

Make the follow up of events convincing. "All of a sudden" is not a convincing change of events. It will make the reader feel he's just being dragged into yet another independent event.


In summary: select, reread, change, condense and vary your writing. It's the only way to capture the reader: remember how many stories are posted here every day. If you want anyone to like yours, you gotta do a serious job of convincing and seducing. That's hard, difficult and takes time. But it's worth it.

And please keep in mind that feedback is not personal. I may have been a little hard on you, but in my opinion there is a lot to improve.

I wish you good luck.

 

[TheAverageJoe]

Thanks for the Feedback

Good suggestions.

Thanks for the help.

TheAverageJoe

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

TheAverageJoe,

IMHO, PaulX35 did a great job of nailing your major problems. As he mentioned, the over-use of "She" etc. quickly becomes distracting and tends to make the story feel staccato.

But for a first (and un-edited) post this is a good, fast paced story that quickly grabs the reader.

Rumple Foreskin