First STory for LIT....

[christabelll]

Erotic Horror..... First time in print... read all about it... heheheheheheheh

All right then.... Here it is...
Read and leave comments on the story good bad or indifferent.............
I am excited either way.... more are sure to come.... in various categories too


" Tranformation through Subjugation "

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301728

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Erotic Horror..... First time in print... read all about it... heheheheheheheh

All right then.... Here it is...
Read and leave comments on the story good bad or indifferent.............
I am excited either way.... more are sure to come.... in various categories too


" Tranformation through Subjugation "

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301728

Good story. Liked the idea and the way you played it out.

There are some wording errors. You wrote, "...it would be a woman and not some tall dark and studly that looked at her with lust in her eyes." You've mixed the gender here. Tall dark and studly looks at her with lust in his eyes. It sounds like he's looking at you and you have lust in your eyes.

Later in the same paragraph you go into the usual discription phase. There is a thread in this forum somewhere on that. Generally, there are better ways of handling the strawberry blonde hair and D boobs. I would try something like, She snaped her head to one side making her strawberry blonde hair (do something, while her hand traced the curve of her abundant breasts. Something like that. It gets away from the gross discription an is more readable.

This is an interesting exchange:

The sensation flicked like fire through her. "Yes..." She breathed "Bu..."

"No buts, just accept Beautiful Julie..." and she watched in fascination as that hungry mouth descended over that hardening tip, fabric and all making her back arch with need.

You have used three elypsis here. Once it was used correctly. Twice it is used in place of a period or comma. This is a common error. An elypsis denotes and incomplete thought and causes a pause. In the first sentence you are also missing a punctuation after the word breathed. I would have used a period there.

Down a little further you wrote: " In dizzying swirls of reddish light two giant penises grew from its pelvis, and then melted away to show a glistening pink cunt that dripped creamy fluid. " It should be glistening, pink cunt since this is a discriptive series.

The list goes on. You do seem to have a problem with punctuation, as do we all. This could have used a good edit. It could also have used more conversation between the characters. That tends to give life to them, make them real and believable.

But, all in all, a good first story. You did good. Keep it up.

JJ

 

[christabelll]

I would love to have a editor who is able to define as well as SHOW the errors.
I agree with you there...
Punctuation...not enough and too little...

On a side note... ah.... it was a woman and not some tall dark and studly that looked at her with lust in his eyes... Took me a moment (brain dead today).....
yep you are right and descriptives. Truly I don't like using hair flipping etc LOL... But in this you are correct.... more physical flirtation/flirtatious speech between them would help.
Conversations are difficult to portray without getting bogged down in the emotives or physical actions. I try to keep conversations to a minimum, using actions as best I may.

Would you be interested in maybe proof reading the dark side stuff that I write?
THe lighter stuff has a taker

And THANKS!!!!! I sincerely appreciate the time you took to do this!


ps: what do ellipses mean? parentheticals? (editing notes baffle an exhausted brain)

 

[cloudy]

ps: what do ellipses mean? parentheticals? (editing notes baffle an exhausted brain)

ellipses: ...

you use them too much/incorrectly in your above post, as well.

 

[cloudy]

double post

 

[christabelll]

oooooo

yeah I do... hehehehe.
too many years in chat rooms
indicating more without writing (saying more)

so, how would you indicate more without using ... ?

 

[cloudy]

yeah I do... hehehehe.
too many years in chat rooms
indicating more without writing (saying more)

so, how would you indicate more without using ... ?

an ellipse is used to indicate a thought or speech that trails off:

"Are you sure that...?"

Three periods are used, no more, no less. That's the only correct use.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Would you be interested in maybe proof reading the dark side stuff that I write?
THe lighter stuff has a taker

And THANKS!!!!! I sincerely appreciate the time you took to do this!

I see what you meant by She... I was posting as I read and when you said "studly" my mind did a switch from her to him. That just added more to the confusion in the sentence for me.

I'm probably the wrong person to ask to edit. My stuff is so much different than yours. Frankly, I don't punctuate very well either, but I have an editor who is wonderful.

I still think you should work on dialogue. It gets you away from the discriptive and brings life to the characters and interest to the stories. Think about it. How do you evaluate someone's personality unless they open their mouth and speak. It's the same in fiction.

Have you tried the Editor's Forum?

 

[christabelll]

Tis quite all right.
I am looking at few who have responded to my inquiries.
Matching likes and genres can be a tricky business.
I have a read a few of your stories, and while our styles are different I do like them.
I was pulling a few of my first stories out of storage (written ten or more years ago) wondering if any of them would make the cut with rewrites and such, but after reading through them I realized, not only has my writing style changed THAT much, they were sickenenly naive. Though they made me hot when I wrote them, they probably wouldn't do much for this audience. Hehee... Okay, maybe one of them would. That one is HOT , but retyping all 30 pages of it just isn't in the cards right now. It would be well over 40 pages properly formatted.
Anywhoooo... (damn ellipses LOLOLOL)
Thanks so much for your frank opinion.
I love the fluff (who doesn't) but require the frankness to see where to improve.
Have a great one! And look for my second foray into the realm of Erotic Horror soon!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I was pulling a few of my first stories out of storage (written ten or more years ago) wondering if any of them would make the cut with rewrites and such, but after reading through them I realized, not only has my writing style changed THAT much, they were sickenenly naive.

The fact that you recognize that the nievaty in your older stories, Christabelll, is a good sign - a sign of growth.

Back in the 30's Tennesee Williams said something like, "If you want to mature as a writer, then write." To be honest, I don't generally bother with the new writers who don't show some promise. You do. Anytime you need help, just pm me.

 

[christabelll]

Alternate History Story

Well to say I have been inspired to write again is a good thing.
Would you be interested in perhaps reading the first draft of a short story?
I wouldn't be able to get it to you before Monday-ish (as its handwritten at this point and I have to many projects at work right now to type it up today or tomorrow)
I read most of your stories.I LIKE.... a lot.
Although I do not write SciFI. I do write a lot of fantasy, alternate realty and alternate histories stuff.
I can be reached on msn if you like.
Have a great day

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Christabelll

I really liked your story and thought it was very good indeed for a first time.

As has been said, there are really far too many ellipses in your work. A lot of people think the three little dots mean a pause, but they don't. If you want an interruption by another speaker, use a dash. If you want hesitation in dialog, use commas and, if necessary, a sound like, 'err', 'um', 'oh' etc. That's what you hear in real speech.

An ellipsis represents a tailing/trailing off - an incomplete thought or a sous-entendu. It was much loved by the old bodice-ripper romance writers who would end a chapter, "The Baron laid the quivering girl on the bed and turned to lock the bedroom door. . . " We all know what's going to happen next!

Having been beaten into believing we must always write using perfect grammar, it is hard to change for dialog. When writing speech, subjects, objects and verbs can be scattered to the four winds - that's how we speak - but punctuation stays prissy.

You can often get the effect of a pause in dialog by using an incomplete sentence and a question mark. Snippets like, "You mean?", "You think?", or "But, surely?" almost automatically imply a slight pause in conversation.

Until his pumpkin penis appears, you do have a problem with pronouns. It is always a difficulty when two people of the same sex appear in a story. When you use apersonal pronoun (he or she) or a possessive pronounn (her/his) it refers to the last male or female quoted. No probs in a heterosexual coupling but tricky in a lesbian scene.

A few minutes later Julie was curled up on an old horsehair couch covered in burgundy velvet a mug of brandy laced chocolate in her hands. Georgie sat next to her, their knees brushing together. [...] She stared into it, half hypnotized by the orange flames. She could feel the heat of it, but more she could feel the heat of Georgie's body where it leaned towards her. Georgie gently placed a hand on her thigh, tracing tiny circles along the seam of her jeans the nail gently scraping. It was a great feeling, and she shifted slightly to let her hand have better access to her thigh.

Literally here, you've got Georgie staring into the fire and feeling the heat. Then Georgie places a hand on her own thigh and her own jeans. You need more use of names or descriptions like 'the smaller woman's'/'the older woman's' thigh etc, to avoid confusion.

Nevertheless, can I echo Jenny's comment. This is a pretty impressive first time piece and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Elle

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well to say I have been inspired to write again is a good thing.
Would you be interested in perhaps reading the first draft of a short story?
I wouldn't be able to get it to you before Monday-ish (as its handwritten at this point and I have to many projects at work right now to type it up today or tomorrow)

Sure send it if you like.

 

[christabelll]

Literally here, you've got Georgie staring into the fire and feeling the heat. Then Georgie places a hand on her own thigh and her own jeans. You need more use of names or descriptions like 'the smaller woman's'/'the older woman's' thigh etc, to avoid confusion.

Nevertheless, can I echo Jenny's comment. This is a pretty impressive first time piece and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Elle[/QUOTE]

Thank you! I am glad you more or less enjoyed it!

Oh. Good Point. Yeah you are right it is harder. I despise the dreaded repetition of names. Julie Georgie Julie's Georgie's etc... I hadn't caught that particular snafu noted in your quote, so its Appreciated muchly.

I write in word or thought streams. Triggered by a word, a sentence, a stray thought etc. I consider myself very lucky if I can follow it to the paper though. I Literally have NO IDEA of what is being written until the stream runs dry and I go back and read it for the first time. Most the time I am shocked at myself LOL. Where the freaken hell did that come from - kind of thing. So having any one read it besides me is a real bonus. I do try to present a decent piece, but you know how it is...
Sometimes you just don't see it on the screen.

Thanks for the GREAT feedback all of you. I do love it!