First story, first comment(!), input requested.

[moralityloophole]

Esteemed Literotica writers, editors, and enthusiasts:

I've been reading LitE off and on for a good 5 years and finally got around to posting a story.

I asked for it to be in the Loving Wives category even though I knew what to expect in comments. I consider myself to have succeeded in that the first comment was right on track- but with a backhanded compliment to my writing.

Remembrance; Fantasy
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=484752

It started out as almost "Flash Fiction" but after realizing that there is a 750 word minimum I combined two short vignettes together. Both are real stories from several years ago- real in that "Remembrance" was a real event and "Fantasy" was a real shared fantasy.

The artistic license was that instead of reading her the fantasy over coffee, in reality I posted the fantasy via a blog I used to keep. After reading it she basically jumped me when we were next alone together. We did have the discussion of whether the story was degrading to her- or me. That's where the both she and the LitE commenter is also right on track. (I am a very dirty boy!).

I re-wrote the "Fantasy" portion from the original past tense to present tense. I also changed the point of view- both are first person but the re-write has it being a letter to her "you" instead of "she". (I'm sure there's a term for that).

Hence my question for you, esteemed LitE writers- In addition to general comments on the way I threaded the three sections of my post together (or didn't as the case may be), please read the two versions of the fantasy and critique the style.

Thanks,
ML

POSTED VERSION:

"You are kneeling as a stranger fucks you from behind. His hands wrap around and hold your breasts as he pumps you.

I'm sitting on our sofa in front of you. I could get off just watching.

You brace one forearm against my leg and I can feel your body surging forward and back with his thrusts. You grip the base of my cock with your hand as you alternate between licking the front of my shaft and engulfing the head.

Your other hand reaches back to play with yourself. You know how much you like doing that- stroking your clit, spreading your lips. Your fingers splay to either side and feel his slick cock sliding in and out.

I watch your blond hair swaying, Your luscious breasts being held. Your nipples are engorged, peeking between his fingers as your breasts overflow his hands.

As you rock fore and aft, bobbing up and down, I feel your soft hair caressing my thigh. This delicate sensation contrasts with your firm strokes on my cock.

Soon you approach orgasm and your hand tightens on my cock. You slide me deeper into your mouth even as you have trouble concentrating on the task. Finally your moaning and almost gagging sets me off and I fill your mouth."

ORIGINAL VERSION:

She kneels on the floor as he takes her from behind. His hands wrap around and hold her breasts. I love watching, getting to see her as a voyeur.

She braces one forearm against my leg; I feel her body surging forward and back with his thrusts. She grips the base of my cock with her hand as she alternates between licking my shaft and engulfing the head.

Her other hand reaches back to play with herself. She moans. I know how she likes to do that- usually it's my cock there. I know her fingers are feeling his hard cock sliding in and out, transferring the slick wetness to her clit.

I watch her hair swaying, her luscious breasts being held. Her nipples are engorged, peeking between his fingers as he holds them.

As she rocks fore and aft, bobbing up and down, I feel her soft hair caressing my thigh. This delicate sensation contrasts with her firm strokes on my cock.

Soon she approaches orgasm and her hand tightens on my cock. She slides me deeper into her mouth even as she has trouble concentrating on the task. Finally her moaning and almost gagging sets me off and I fill her mouth.

 

[polynices]

Hi moralityloophole,

I've left a fairly lengthy response to the story in feedback, so I won't go into everything here. In general, though, I like the episodic structure of this piece. For me, personally, you could push that a little further and do without the headings -'Remembrance' and 'Fantasy'. If you dropped them, there might be a little reader-disorientation at first, but things certainly become clear in the end. (I know I may be in a minority in holding that opinion, though.)

To go on to the issues you raise in your post here:

1. You seem to be a shade preoccupied with the real-life origins of the piece. (E.g: The artistic license was that instead of reading her the fantasy over coffee, in reality I posted the fantasy via a blog I used to keep.) I don't know if you actually felt restricted in writing this by the fact that the source events really happened, but I don't think you should be if you do. You're writing a story: from the reader's point of view, its origins - real or not - are irrelevant. So I think you should feel free to do anything you like to make the story come to life.

2. Your central question, I think, is whether the change from third person (she) to second person (you) 'works' in the Fantasy section. I read both versions you posted here before I went to the actual story and I couldn't see that the change of person made any significant difference. But when I read the story itself I realised the second person ('you')was more effective because the third section establishes that this is part of a dialogue - a dialogue in which the male fantasist is in some sense challenging his partner with his 'dirty' thoughts. That's the source of tension in the piece (however muted the tension is): will she be upset by the fantasy? (And the resolution is amusing and gratifying, of course. What a lovely woman!)

3. You also mentioned tense: I re-wrote the "Fantasy" portion from the original past tense to present tense. Both versions you posted here, though, are in what's known as the 'dramatic present' - and I think that works very well for this kind of piece, where the narrative is presented through 'snap-shots'. Dramatic present can sometimes be tedious if it's over-used, but it has the very strong virtue of immediacy. I like it here.

I have no problems with your style at all and I liked the episodic structure. Overall, the piece left me with a warm feeling - which can't be bad - and, as I said in my feedback comment, it does raise an interesting issue - albeit gently.

By the way, you say: ... after realizing that there is a 750 word minimum I combined two short vignettes together. Both are real stories from several years ago- - thus giving the impression that the piece you posted is 'really' just two different stories cobbled together. But it isn't, of course. I wouldn't actually have been very interested in either the Remembrance or the Fantasy sections on their own. Combining them as you have and adding the third section - the discussion - actually creates a genuine story.

- polynices

PS: I've just been back to the story, to check that what I've been saying still makes sense - and I found that my original feedback comment has disappeared. Maybe it'll pop up later, or maybe I sent it as private feedback by mistake, or maybe a glitch in the system has swallowed it forever.

 

[moralityloophole]

Polynices,

Thanks for the response. Yes, I think your comment posted to the story page must have fallen into a black hole.

I do appreciate the detailed review. I mostly write by feel and sometimes have trouble keeping tense and narrative style consistent.

My comment here about the events being "actual" was more as background on the composition process- I didn't include that in the story posted on LitE. When I read stories which claim they "really happened" it can give me a little extra excitement but it is seldom believable.

With all that, I agree that there's no need to constrain my retelling by having it match reality. I was going for brevity but I can see how a bit more detail, a bit more buildup would help. I'll keep that in mind for next time.

Also, in hindsight I've decided that I like the original "fantasy" better than the re-write. Especially the first line.

One challenge to me is that I had a sexy blog several years ago and got used to the ease of editing and re-editing a story after it was posted. I could fine-tune the story and fix errors. Here on LitE I realize that it is important to have it right before submitting.

 

[jaxsteeples]

Think I'll leave it to people who know what they are doing to crit your work.

Well done for getting a submission .