First story- Feedback Appreciated

[LeoFaustus]

Hi,

I recently submitted my first story to the site (link below), and I would appreciate any feedback that people may have and also any pointers that any experienced writers have about what I can do better in future and where I am getting things right and/or wrong. Thanks.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=407364

 

[JackLuis]

Nice, I gave you a five, there were a couple of typos but and nice low dialog story.

 

[Guest]

Excellent first effort. You have talent. You'll probably score quite well.

A couple of things I found somewhat off-putting (just my opinion; your mileage may vary):

1) Your tendency to tell, rather than show.

I felt rejected and frustrated that this beautiful woman whom I adored had found more time for a soap opera than for me.

Describing his rejection and frustration (My face flushed with anger and my fists clenched. This beautiful woman whom I adored had found more time for a soap opera than for me.) is more effective than telling us that he feels rejected and frustrated.

Then her front door opened. I started walking back towards home quickly for some unknown reason, probably blind panic.

This, I'm afraid, is just lazy writing. Did his breath catch in his throat when he saw her emerge? Did his heart race? Don't tell us that he's panicking, show us.

2) The rather clinical sex scenes. Yes, this is primarily a stroke story, but an external description of sex isn't nearly as effective as melding that description with what the character is feeling. I'm not talking about huge character development here, but:

I kneeled down before her, gently parting her legs further as I gripped her knees, gently stroking the back of her knee with my thumb as I moved my head towards her pussy. I kissed her pussy lips gently, slowly moving my tongue up and down them and taking them into my mouth, gently sucking, before sliding my tongue inside her.

That's what he's doing. How does he feel while doing it? Does he enjoy the taste? Is he startled by how wet she is? Does he feel powerful? Hell, is he enjoying it? We can't tell until the very last paragraph:

I went back inside, dishevelled and worn out, but wholly satisfied and excited.

Now, he's excited? What about before and during?

As I said, you have talent. Please don't take these comments as in any way discouraging you from writing.

 

[LeoFaustus]

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.

As I said, you have talent. Please don't take these comments as in any way discouraging you from writing.

Not at all, thanks for taking the time to give me a few tips, it was the kind of feedback I was looking for in particular and it's most helpful, thanks.