First Story Ever Written - Could I Please Get Some Feedback.

[Sasha_Addams]

I haven't written any kind of fiction in years, let alone anything like this:

Wife Pleases Two to Please Husband

I'm receptive to comments on grammar/syntax, advice for writing in general or for erotica specifically, advice for writing/posting on the Literotica platform, and subgenre/tag tips.

I'd be very grateful for any feedback, though, and thank you in advance.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Just a few very quick comments.

Grammar/syntax looked pretty good to me.

This is quite a short story by Literotica standards. It's about 2000 words; the norm here is around 5K-10K, with many running longer. Short stories tend to score lower than long stories, probably because if people aren't enjoying a longer story they'll just stop reading before they get to the vote button.

This does not mean you made a mistake or that you need to write longer. The word count should be as long as it needs to be to tell the story the author has in mind, and for my money 2K is about the right length for the story you were telling. I'm only saying this so you know not to compare the voting to longer stories.

You may or may not be aware that Loving Wives readers have a certain reputation. A vocal faction of LW readers are very very hostile to female nonmonogamy, and for some reason have nevertheless chosen to read a category that's largely about female nonmonogamy. These people will make themselves known both in the voting and the comments (I see you already have one).

Again, this isn't to say you need to change what you're doing, just that if the welcome you get in LW feels... less than friendly... you should be aware that it's about them not you.

 

[Rob_Royale]

As Bramblethorn said, your grammar and such seem fine. I didn't care for the writing style though. It was purely descriptive of the action only, very clinical. We've no idea who anyone was or what they looked like. There was nearly no dialogue, internal (what they thought) or external. What did the husband feel as she was used?

Clearly, you can write and you have a solid starting point. Learning how to tell a story will come with more practice.

 

[BobbyandtheCabin]

Just a few very quick comments.

Grammar/syntax looked pretty good to me.

This is quite a short story by Literotica standards. It's about 2000 words; the norm here is around 5K-10K, with many running longer. Short stories tend to score lower than long stories, probably because if people aren't enjoying a longer story they'll just stop reading before they get to the vote button.

This does not mean you made a mistake or that you need to write longer. The word count should be as long as it needs to be to tell the story the author has in mind, and for my money 2K is about the right length for the story you were telling. I'm only saying this so you know not to compare the voting to longer stories.

You may or may not be aware that Loving Wives readers have a certain reputation. A vocal faction of LW readers are very very hostile to female nonmonogamy, and for some reason have nevertheless chosen to read a category that's largely about female nonmonogamy. These people will make themselves known both in the voting and the comments (I see you already have one).

Again, this isn't to say you need to change what you're doing, just that if the welcome you get in LW feels... less than friendly... you should be aware that it's about them not you.

This is really good information, thank you for sharing

 

[ColinPiper]

Well done for putting your first erotic story out there. That's a big hurdle overcome. I'll go along with what have others have said - you have the basics sorted, and the the makings of a good writer.

However, in terms of plot, has anything changed in the lives of the characters between the beginning and end? I would say not. Which raises the question - what's the point? It doesn't have to be ground-breaking or life-changing, but I would suggest some conflict situations in the story, or a surprise ending. The husband fucking her at the end is kind of going in the right direction, but perhaps something a little more unexpected?

The husband and wife's names aren't mentioned at all and that leaves the reader even less inclined to care IMO. While I'm at it, and this isn't just for the sake of being critical, try to think of a title that intrigues rather than describes e.g., Two's Cum-pany, Three's a Crowd - whatever.

This is all my opinion for you to take or leave. I've given feedback to newer writers in the past and got a bad reaction - it appears they were only looking for praise. That doesn't help anyone improve.

There are some very good stories and on this site. Conversely, I see an awful lot of stories that, for me, have two basic problems: 1. Way too long, 2. Nothing really happens.

Aim for the good category, and good luck.

 

[lovecraft68]

I'll chime in with others. The writing was sound, the plot standard, but fine. But it was kind of bare bones when it came to the sex. It read like I was watching a porn clip and for a story you need a bit more.

My suggestion for an exercise? Go back to the story and go through it paragraph by paragraph and add some things to it, put some flesh on those bones, especially from the wife who seems to be more of a sex doll than a person just being moved around. We need something more from her, some initiative, some dialogue would make this so much better and I think lack of it gives me the video clip feel.

But in general there's good potential here and you just need to add more reaction to the action.

All around a good job. Keep writing and what you're missing will organically come along.

 

[dasgoodshit]

A vocal faction of LW readers are very very hostile to female nonmonogamy, and for some reason have nevertheless chosen to read a category that's largely about female nonmonogamy.

I thought LW was for women that loved their husband/bf so much that they allowed him dalliances?

 

[lovecraft68]

I thought LW was for women that loved their husband/bf so much that they allowed him dalliances?

No, that's real life where men do what they want.

 

[dasgoodshit]

No, that's real life where men do what they want.

No, I'm talking about stories like, "Outsourcing," where the wife sets up a tryst for her husband. Actually... I just checked my LW favs, and only one of them (of seven) is in LW category. I must admit that I don't read by category, I search by tags and choose what I read based on descriptions. I guess I don't have a good understanding of what each category is like on their own, because I'm selective about what I spend time reading and can't read everything that comes out of any one particular genre.

If it's about female nonmonogamy, shouldn't it be called, "Promiscuous Wives?"

 

[lovecraft68]

No, I'm talking about stories like, "Outsourcing," where the wife sets up a tryst for her husband. Actually... I just checked my LW favs, and only one of them (of seven) is in LW category. I must admit that I don't read by category, I search by tags and choose what I read based on descriptions. I guess I don't have a good understanding of what each category is like on their own, because I'm selective about what I spend time reading and can't read everything that comes out of any one particular genre.

If it's about female nonmonogamy, shouldn't it be called, "Promiscuous Wives?"

The category was named years ago and lit is not going to change it. It wasn't what it was now, there were stories there that weren't all cuck or BTB stuff, there were real attempts at stories and the husbands okay with a lot of the wife's games. Even if you write a stag story now, they abuse the crap out of it. A lot of the better authors there are moving their stuff to fetish, Not as much attention, but nowhere near the trolling.

 

[dasgoodshit]

The category was named years ago and lit is not going to change it. It wasn't what it was now, there were stories there that weren't all cuck or BTB stuff, there were real attempts at stories and the husbands okay with a lot of the wife's games. Even if you write a stag story now, they abuse the crap out of it. A lot of the better authors there are moving their stuff to fetish, Not as much attention, but nowhere near the trolling.

I understood everything but BTB and stag, lol

 

[lovecraft68]

I understood everything but BTB and stag, lol

Oh, BTB is burn the bitch. they're awful revenge stories where cheating wives endure everything from rape to death to torture and all the incels cheer/

Stag means the husband allows the wife to be with other men but in front of him and he often participates. I often wonder why stories like that are not just put in group sex as threesomes, but I guess its a thing of its own.

 

[saddlehill1]

I haven't written any kind of fiction in years, let alone anything like this:

Wife Pleases Two to Please Husband

I'm receptive to comments on grammar/syntax, advice for writing in general or for erotica specifically, advice for writing/posting on the Literotica platform, and subgenre/tag tips.

I'd be very grateful for any feedback, though, and thank you in advance.

Just submitted my first story and hoping to get feedback

 

[Sasha_Addams]

Just a few very quick comments.

Grammar/syntax looked pretty good to me.

This is quite a short story by Literotica standards. It's about 2000 words; the norm here is around 5K-10K, with many running longer. Short stories tend to score lower than long stories, probably because if people aren't enjoying a longer story they'll just stop reading before they get to the vote button.

This does not mean you made a mistake or that you need to write longer. The word count should be as long as it needs to be to tell the story the author has in mind, and for my money 2K is about the right length for the story you were telling. I'm only saying this so you know not to compare the voting to longer stories.

You may or may not be aware that Loving Wives readers have a certain reputation. A vocal faction of LW readers are very very hostile to female nonmonogamy, and for some reason have nevertheless chosen to read a category that's largely about female nonmonogamy. These people will make themselves known both in the voting and the comments (I see you already have one).

Again, this isn't to say you need to change what you're doing, just that if the welcome you get in LW feels... less than friendly... you should be aware that it's about them not you.

I was not aware of the reputation of Loving Wives readers, and frankly, the recommendations to find this sort of story in other relevant categories has been a welcome improvement (though there are stories in the LW category that absolutely do appeal).

Appreciate the tip about approx length of 2k words, gives me a ballpark baseline to work from. Thanks!

 

[Sasha_Addams]

As Bramblethorn said, your grammar and such seem fine. I didn't care for the writing style though. It was purely descriptive of the action only, very clinical. We've no idea who anyone was or what they looked like. There was nearly no dialogue, internal (what they thought) or external. What did the husband feel as she was used?

Clearly, you can write and you have a solid starting point. Learning how to tell a story will come with more practice.

Thanks for the feedback, and for how it was delivered. Still working on finding out what my particular descriptive style is. I imagine I'm going to experiment with several as I go along.

 

[Sasha_Addams]

Well done for putting your first erotic story out there. That's a big hurdle overcome. I'll go along with what have others have said - you have the basics sorted, and the the makings of a good writer.

However, in terms of plot, has anything changed in the lives of the characters between the beginning and end? I would say not. Which raises the question - what's the point? It doesn't have to be ground-breaking or life-changing, but I would suggest some conflict situations in the story, or a surprise ending. The husband fucking her at the end is kind of going in the right direction, but perhaps something a little more unexpected?

The husband and wife's names aren't mentioned at all and that leaves the reader even less inclined to care IMO. While I'm at it, and this isn't just for the sake of being critical, try to think of a title that intrigues rather than describes e.g., Two's Cum-pany, Three's a Crowd - whatever.

This is all my opinion for you to take or leave. I've given feedback to newer writers in the past and got a bad reaction - it appears they were only looking for praise. That doesn't help anyone improve.

There are some very good stories and on this site. Conversely, I see an awful lot of stories that, for me, have two basic problems: 1. Way too long, 2. Nothing really happens.

Aim for the good category, and good luck.

This one was, admittedly an experimental dip of the toe. I have my eye on trying out several styles and methods, and the questions about point, conflict, and stakes, is well taken, and they'll definitely be in consideration as I try my hand at longer pieces.

I could also see how they belong in even short, to-the-point, uhhh... microsmut? I don't know if that's a thing, but that's what I'm calling the form I was going for here.

100% agree on the too long, nothing happening stories, and I'm writing on the opposite end of that spectrum! Thanks!

 

[Sasha_Addams]

I'll chime in with others. The writing was sound, the plot standard, but fine. But it was kind of bare bones when it came to the sex. It read like I was watching a porn clip and for a story you need a bit more.

My suggestion for an exercise? Go back to the story and go through it paragraph by paragraph and add some things to it, put some flesh on those bones, especially from the wife who seems to be more of a sex doll than a person just being moved around. We need something more from her, some initiative, some dialogue would make this so much better and I think lack of it gives me the video clip feel.

But in general there's good potential here and you just need to add more reaction to the action.

All around a good job. Keep writing and what you're missing will organically come along.

I hadn't really thought of doing something like that, as I usually don't know how to get from something like this to improvement other than by starting fresh on a new piece. Is versioning stories a thing people do?

Either way, thanks!

 

[Sasha_Addams]

The category was named years ago and lit is not going to change it. It wasn't what it was now, there were stories there that weren't all cuck or BTB stuff, there were real attempts at stories and the husbands okay with a lot of the wife's games. Even if you write a stag story now, they abuse the crap out of it. A lot of the better authors there are moving their stuff to fetish, Not as much attention, but nowhere near the trolling.

I've been reading stories on this site for YEARS, but never as anything other than an outsider. This actually makes a ton of sense, as there were a couple of years where I just wasn't reading at all, and when I came back, I deeply regretted not making an account to favorite a few stories that I have very fond recollections of. There seemed to be a wider variety of dynamics on offer than there are now.

 

[Rob_Royale]

I hadn't really thought of doing something like that, as I usually don't know how to get from something like this to improvement other than by starting fresh on a new piece. Is versioning stories a thing people do?

Either way, thanks!

Versions, no. But my stories start skinny and end fat. I add as I go. Each time I read through it, I add more, flesh it out, punch up the dialog, the sex scenes.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I think @Sasha_Addams was talking about publishing multiple versions of a story.

I know @EmilyMiller has a bunch of stories titled "... - Redux" where she deleted the original and published another version. That's probably the way to go.

You can submit edits to published stories, but I've never heard of anyone using that for changes more substantive than typos.

I don't know of any authors who routinely have multiple versions up simultaneously.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think @Sasha_Addams was talking about publishing multiple versions of a story.

I know @EmilyMiller has a bunch of stories titled "... - Redux" where she deleted the original and published another version. That's probably the way to go.

You can submit edits to published stories, but I've never heard of anyone using that for changes more substantive than typos.

I've done it a couple of times, modifying or deleting scenes from old stories. It's not something I'd do just for reasons of "I could write that better now"; one was a scene that I'd come to realise was a bit closer to non-con than I was okay with having in a romance story, the other was a similar ethical issue.

Edit: three times. I also had a scene where I'd quoted extensively from a song; my thinking on that evolved and I got to not being comfortable with having that much of somebody else's work propping up my story, so I put in an edit for that scene as well.

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

Versions, no. But my stories start skinny and end fat. I add as I go. Each time I read through it, I add more, flesh it out, punch up the dialog, the sex scenes.

That's interesting... I usually work the other way, starting with a fat story and then putting it on a diet when I edit, as I tend to get carried away on the first draught.

 

[RoperTrace]

I haven't written any kind of fiction in years, let alone anything like this:

Wife Pleases Two to Please Husband

I'm receptive to comments on grammar/syntax, advice for writing in general or for erotica specifically, advice for writing/posting on the Literotica platform, and subgenre/tag tips.

I'd be very grateful for any feedback, though, and thank you in advance.

Congrats on getting number one 'under your belt', or wherever. I agree that it's well written as to grammar/syntax. I also agree that it needs fleshed out, tell us who they are: descriptions, age, mindset. Add some dialogue when you're comfortable doing that, I know it's difficult in the beginning. Some of my favorite stories are mostly dialogue,almost like a Broadway play. But that doesn't mean you have to adapt that style, I was just using that as an example.

 

[Pureotica]

This one was, admittedly an experimental dip of the toe. I have my eye on trying out several styles and methods, and the questions about point, conflict, and stakes, is well taken, and they'll definitely be in consideration as I try my hand at longer pieces.

I could also see how they belong in even short, to-the-point, uhhh... microsmut? I don't know if that's a thing, but that's what I'm calling the form I was going for here.

100% agree on the too long, nothing happening stories, and I'm writing on the opposite end of that spectrum! Thanks!

The minimum length for a story is 750 words, but most readers seem to prefer higher wordcounts. But a story needs what it needs. Don't add words just to pad the count. It's okay to experiment. You'll never meet everyone's personal preferences, so write your stories on your terms. Learn and practice new technical skills as you go. You'll be fine. Your story was a decent first effort, and nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[dasgoodshit]

has anything changed in the lives of the characters between the beginning and end?

^^This

perhaps something a little more unexpected?

^^And this