First Story - Any Feedback Appreciated

[LoganFC23]

Author (Me):LoganFC23
Story Title: A Weekend Adventure Ch. 01
Story Category: Erotic Couplings

The story has been out for a few weeks now.

Story is about a girl going on a weekend adventure trip with her boyfriend and friends. Only to have the best weekend adventure of her life with her boyfriend's best friend. Yes, it's a cheating story. Other chapters are in the works.

Any feedback would be appreciated!

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-weekend-adventure-ch-01-1

 

[JackBellend41]

Hi Logan,

Nice story. It's getting good comments and a 4.25, so people obviously like it, so I'll try to give you some constructive criticism.

The... and sometimes.. took away from your writing as it makes it harder to read. Punctuating dialogue needs to improve, and while I don't mind it terribly, using adverbs to describe your dialogue is looked at negatively. You should instead describe the characters actions and let the reader interpret. Here is an example that hit all three of these.

"Easy there, tiger.. we've got all night.. let's get some more drinks in us first." she replied coyly.

Here is how it could be improved.

”Easy there, tiger, we’ve got all night. Let's get some more drinks in us first, ” she replied, pushing his hands away.

I liked your dialogue, it sounded like I imagine people talk, not too stiff.

 

[LoganFC23]

Hey Jack,

Thanks for reading, and I truly appreciate the feedback. I'll take note of this.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Some comments:

As already noted, punctuation/grammar could do with some work. There are some bits that are technically correct grammar but feel weird - I don't know your background, but some of it feels kind of like it was written in another language and then translated into English. It might be helpful to find an editor to catch these issues. I'd also suggest reading up on how to punctuate speech.

Watch your tenses. For instance: "How those cheeks bounce with every step she took in those short khaki shorts" mixes present and past tense.

Ellipses are always three dots ... not two.

You tag Isabel as "The girlfriend of three years to Thomas Walker" and then later you tag Thomas as "The boyfriend of Isabel for the last three years". Later on you also have "the juicy ass of Bella". As well as the repetition of the "three years" info, this is an odd phrasing. These would usually be expressed as "Thomas Walker's girlfriend of three years", "Isabel's boyfriend of the last three years", "Bella's juicy ass".

"What!?.. From what me and Tyler have heard.. Nat moans.. No, screams and begs for it from Johnny. We've heard one time when we went to their place to surprise Nat for her birthday. You could hear the screams from outside of the house." Claudia implored as she smirked.

"Implored" doesn't make sense here. To implore somebody is to beg them for something.

"peaked her interest" - should be piqued her interest. Sounds the same but it's a different word.

"Thomas pulled up to the Chester Bay National Park's main entrance area full of booths" - literally this says that Thomas is full of booths.

"As they entered the lodge it was fairly big, open spaced first floor, an open spaced second floor as you can see the three bedrooms up top" - the reference to "you" is confusing here. It's one of those bits that feels translated - e.g. in German the word "Man" would fit there, and it sometimes can be translated to English "you", but not in this context.

I would express that as something like:

"As they entered the lodge they could see it was fairly big, with an open-plan first floor, and an open second floor that allowed one to see the three bedrooms up top."

"Thomas and her had a good sex life" - proper English would be "She and Thomas..." here. "Thomas and her" will get you marked wrong in an English exam, but it is quite a common idiom in some places. If Bella is somebody who talks and thinks that way, you might leave it as it is, but be aware that it's not regulation English and some readers may complain about it.

There are more grammatical issues along the way, but I won't list them all.

The bit with them getting split up, and Bella being put in Johnny's group, and then there are Not Enough Horses so they have to share a horse, feels rather contrived. Also weird that a commercial operation wouldn't have any spare horses, or that they'd let two adults ride one horse - bad for the horse, very uncomfortable for the adults. If I was a customer, I'd be expecting a refund.

Lots of coincidences here pushing Bella and Johnny together. For me, it would have worked better without so many coincidences - either look for more natural ways to put Bella and Johnny together, or make it happen because of deliberate action by Johnny rather than just repeated luck.

As they started the tour, Bella was in control of the horse as the reins were right in front of her. Johnny, meanwhile, was looking for a place to place his hands on. Naturally, they found her nice hips and gently he laid them there. A familiar stir in his pants began and he was growing. There was no way that Bella could not feel what was poking her in her lower back.

"OH My GOSh... what is that poking me.. Is that his cock!?" she thought. There it was, the first mention of his cock in her mind.

This isn't the first time (on the bus she already wondered how big his cock was). It also feels repetitive - you don't need to say that Bella feels his cock poking her, when in the very next line you're describing her thinking through that.

His hands went from her hips to holding her hands with the reins. He pulled hard so that their hands were on her stomach now. His thrusting sped up as the horse started to speed up as well.

If you pull on the reins, the horse will stop, not speed up!

"Oooh.. um.. I like it hard and fast too, I could ride hard and fast all day if I could." she whispered admitting what she could possibly do if given an opportunity.

"Is that so.. maybe you could show me some time.. If you wanted to, that is." he softly spoke again.

Bella shuddered at the thought, he just invited her to show him what she could and would do while riding hard and fast.

Again, very repetitive here. You don't need to tell readers "he just invited her to show him what she could and would do while riding hard and fast" when you've already shown him doing that.

As she was dismounting, her foot got caught in the stirrups. Without hesitation, she leapt up off the horse, jumping into Johnny's arms.

This doesn't make sense. If her foot is caught in the stirrups, she can't leap off the horse!

I have to do other stuff today, so I'll leave it there.