First Posting...would enjoy feedback

[ilike2ponder]

OVER BENDED KNEE:

The sound of your voice
A loving caress
Drawn over your knee
You lift up my dress

The pulling of cloth
Up in and so deep
The feeling of moisture
Beginning to seep

The warmth of your hand
The kiss of your belt
The salt of my tears
A beautiful welt

The feather light fingertips
In a circular motion
And finally the cooling
Of a smooth and sweet lotion

My Master's sweet words
Through my heart how they swirl
My pleasure completed by
"What a good little girl"

______________________

Always interested in perceptions and honest critiques.

Elizabeth

 

[Guest]

I am still a virgin myself.

I quite liked it...

 

[Mythos50]

Feedback Request

Ok, to start with, 1) this is my own opinion you are about to read and 2) you posted for critique. I will do as best I can, as your reader. I hope this does not read preachy.

OVER BENDED KNEE:

The sound of your voice
A loving caress
Drawn over your knee
You lift up my dress

Paraphrased: The sound of your voice is a loving caress as you draw me over your (bended) knee and lift up my dress.

Points: I have read many poems with the phrases “loving caress” and “over your knee” and understandably you need phrases that convey connotations to me, the reader. As your reader, I will understand your connotations but I beg and plead with you to please think of other words or phrases – make up some unspoken ones, some fresh and crisp unused ones – for me to read. They become cliché after so many other poets have used them. It isn’t your fault, it is their fault for not being original. (Sorry, I could not resist jabbing a finger at my ancestors.)

Points: Here is what I read – the sound of your voice drawn over your knee. A loving caress drawn over your knee. I wonder how many times I have written like this, lol! Literally, this is what you are saying, right? Not what you meant to say; you meant to say closer to what I paraphrased above, is my feeling of the stanza. But I, the reader, have to read this literally first to get to the underneath meaning. (Man, I am learning a lot here myself!)

Points: Verb tense matching?

The pulling of cloth
Up in and so deep
The feeling of moisture
Beginning to seep

Paraphrased: The pulling of cloth up and in so deep brings a feeling of moisture beginning to seep.

Points: a lot of ‘ing’ words, which can work better placed at start of line than ending, I am told. I see ‘the’ twice and ‘ing’ three times. I think it is better to match 3 to 3 if you are going to do this. “Repeat” device needs discretionary use, in my opinion, and works best when spaced over a stanza and poem rather than jammed together, from a reader’s point of view because I do not get distracted from the message, unless the message calls for it.

The warmth of your hand
The kiss of your belt
The salt of my tears
A beautiful welt

Paraphrased: This is a listing of things you feel when over bended knee: the warmth of your hand, the kiss of your belt, the salt of my tears, and a beautiful welt. Or is this the order of events as they occur? Maybe both. Ah, wiggle room for my imagination!

Points: again 3 ‘the’ in 4 line stanza – distracts.

The feather light fingertips
In a circular motion
And finally the cooling
Of a smooth and sweet lotion

Paraphrased: The feather light fingertips in a circular motion and finally the cooling of a smooth and sweet lotion. What it is you feel and not any other sensory input given here. Now, the last stanza has another possibility – listing, order of events, what you feel only. More wiggle room for that stanza, good!

My Master's sweet words
Through my heart how they swirl
My pleasure completed by
"What a good little girl"

Paraphrased: My master’s sweet words through my heart how they swirl my pleasure completed by “What a good little girl”. Hmm, ok, since he said those words, and you don’t mind, I’ll not comment. It’s a personal thing on my part, lol!

I hope I have given you sought for help. Continue writing and posting your poems here at Lit. Thank you for the opportunity to learn myself.

PS - Here you can find some of the guidelines I used in reviewing your poem: References and Resources Thread for future perusal. Look in the third post titled “Reader’s Guidelines”.

 

[WickedEve]

Mythos, glad you jumped on this one! I read this poem several times last night and tried to comment. I didn't find this poem erotic because of the particular rhyme scheme chosen and the choice of some phrases.
Instead of posting those comments I decided to write a spanking poem for my Master. I personally learn best from example, so ilike2ponder, I hope this will give you some ideas of different ways to approach poetry.

Across His Knee

I polish boards with palms' sweat
as bleached cotton is exposed
beneath skirts tan and torn.

Needs evident in fabric thin,
twisted tight, down and dangling
around ankle left and lean.

Slap of echoes hang heavy in air,
there to catch gratitude
as from begging lips it leaves.

Leather slides between,
slick from thighs and reaction.
You leave me blushed and bruised
just because.

 

[Mythos50]

I enjoyed your posting, Eve. Good imagery, Concentrated, stays on topic!

Although I am not into Master/Slavery I nonetheless took a shining to (from?) this topic and came up with this mumble:

Bent For Pain <another title?>

A bended knee
Awaits my grieve
In room none see
Or care, I go

For none do know
Of boards I polish
By lay of skin
At his whim

He cares not for
The clothes I wear
Rags of them
Flesh too bare

What’s it matter
Slaps reign here
Searing pain
Oh Yes, my dear!

<rhyme theme but doesn't follow through in rest of poem -distracting!>
* * * *

Eve, I like yours better. I think mine is a little too abstract! I must say, though, I am beginning to get away from using forced rhyme as once I did. OT will embrace this! Well, fairly certain he will ...ok, maybe a smidgin.

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks, Mythos. I've changed it a few times and I see one more needed revision before submitting it. Actually, it's not easy writing a good spanking poem without it coming out kind of silly.

 

[OT]

I must say, though, I am beginning to get away from using forced rhyme as once I did. OT will embrace this! Well, fairly certain he will ...ok, maybe a smidgin.

I just had to jump in since I heard my name (see, I really do lurk)

A bit of spanking trivia .... the little wooden guy has paddles for hands.

I tried to write a serious spanking poem for the Bent challenge, but the only way it would go was towards light and humorous. Perhaps my muse needs a good spanking.

My attempt : Bent

 

[Beatles5]

I thought it was very good. But it could have ben just a tad bit more blunt...Good work!

 

[cptkonga]

My school education has gone down the drain a long time ago, so I am not sure which word describes best what I am looking for... I think it´s Rhythm (in a poetry context, like 3-4-3, Haiaku or whatever) is not appropriate.

..er... damn I gotta read up more on this stuff.. anyways.. what I mean is the rhythm.. it just doesn´t feel right to me. You could use it to describe something with humor, something satirical or non-sexual, but the topic of this particular poem doesn´t fit into it. I don´t feel the words , topic or intended feeling going with the rhythm.
I´d love to see a version where you don´t concern yourself with the rhyming (that only throws technical worries infront of the emotional train) but with the feelings the situation your describe evoke. Especially the last verse (or better, it´s topic) could ooze emotions, as it deals with such a strong theme.

Hope this does make any sense to you.

Keep on writing
Konga