First post

[Xantu]

I have never posted before. Procrastination a mask for shyness.

I decided to start posting because I want to find some friends that I can talk to about my experiences. I am not looking for a sex partner. I just need to be able to talk and ask questions.

I am a mature female. I have had submissive fantasies all my life.

My partner is naturally dominant in the sense that he is an in charge kind of guy, but his is very reluctant to do anything that he thinks might hurt me. I am a naturally submissive person but sometimes I want more from him.

Ideally I will find some friends who will understand my dilemma.

Looking forward to a fun adventure.
Xantu

 

[madetotakeit]

You will be so glad you finally stepped away from the shyness and posted. You will find people very willing to talk and give advice. Thanks to the people on Lit I have been able to find out more of who I am on my terms (and I will give a thanks in advance for all of the future input.) It has helped tremendously when I had no one to talk to.The great thing is you will have all perspectives. Some you will agree with and others not so much, but even the differing opinions will give you food for thought. I find that there is an air of "agree to disagree" here rather than people trying to force their ideas. Since I started posting I have found everyone is willing to share their thoughts. If only we could teach the rest of the world to share that attitude!

Welcome and join the conversations!

 

[h_i_s]

Climb aboard.
Post away..
Get some advice... Take what you need.. leave the rest... give what you may have to offer.
Have questions.. ask.
Have answers, reply.

Welcome to Literotica's BDSM section of the forums.

 

[bandelero]

I have never posted before. Procrastination a mask for shyness.

I decided to start posting because I want to find some friends that I can talk to about my experiences. I am not looking for a sex partner. I just need to be able to talk and ask questions.

I am a mature female. I have had submissive fantasies all my life.

My partner is naturally dominant in the sense that he is an in charge kind of guy, but his is very reluctant to do anything that he thinks might hurt me. I am a naturally submissive person but sometimes I want more from him.

Ideally I will find some friends who will understand my dilemma.

Looking forward to a fun adventure.
Xantu

Hi Xantu and welcome to Lit,

congrats on taking that 1st step and posting, I know how tough that is.

It would seem from the way you have written that maybe you have never openly discussed your sexual desires with your partner?
Unless he has made it very clear in the past that he strongly objects to any kind of sex play, possibly you could broach the subject by commenting on some scene showing mild bondage, (or whatever), in a mainstream movie....maybe tell him you find it hot....ask him his thoughts on it....
If you both like reading, then maybe a similar scenario except using a passage from a book you have both read.

If this is not the sort of thing you are looking for, then ask away with those questions
From all I have seen here most folks on this board will offer whatever advice and/or support they can.

 

[beachgurl3]

Welcome to lit. I'll second the idea of using a movie scene. If you are shy or reluctant to spell out what you want, this is the best way to do it. You can arrange it so that it seems spontaneous. You both watch the scene. You turn to him and tell him how it made you feel and that you would love to try that in real life sometime. If he is paying attention, that should do the trick. Sometimes we worry about these things and make them seem more difficult than they really are. Have fun.

 

[Xantu]

Oh not so shy with him

I have so talked with him. He just gives me funny looks and acts like I am crazy.

It seems like if I take that kind of lead he gets pretty oppositional. He can be a delightfully obtuse asshole. The joke around the house is that if he can figure out exactly what I want, thats the last thing he will do. And he has the most infuriatingly delighted expression on his face when he frustrates me.

Lately things have gotten better, he will spank me but only when I am not expecting it. He has found he likes getting me turned on and then deciding to do something else like take a nap. But when I talk about erotic denial he looks at me and shakes his head like I am imagining things. I have this odd project of tricking him into doing what he thinks is his idea.

I have to admit that I have always been a sucker for man I can't control. But now I have one and I am trying to figure ways to gently steer him toward what I want without showing my cards.

I am thinking of writing a series of stories about a woman with a kink for assholes, assholes not anuses.

Xantu
Its my bed, I made it, now I need to figure out how to sleep in it.

PS. Don't get me wrong, the guy is crazy good in bed, as long as he is in charge.

 

[Adakgirl]

Hahhaaaha sorry to laugh, but my dear, I hate to break the news. He IS dominating you. He is mind fucking you and you don't even know it. You can put labels on it all you want, try to explain it until you are blue in the face. He won't understand any of that because he is already a Dominant, comes naturally to him. Now, what you can do, is possibly act more submissive.
Start asking him for permission before you do certain sexual things, start begging him for his cock and asking permission to have the honor of performing oral servitude on him. Get on your knees girl! Ask him what he would do to you if you were a bad bad girl. Hell... be a bad bad girl and see how he reacts. Buy a paddle and then take it to him and tell him you think you deserve a spanking. The possibility's are endless, use your imagination, think about it and put your plan into action.
My guess is he will follow your lead, but you must be submissive to him all the time, not just in the bedroom.

 

[unfoundiamond]

Welcome...

Hi...

Good Job on your first post... That wasn't so bad was it?

I agree with the above post for the most part... (Except I dont believe you always have to be submissive to him... You do what feels right to you...)

But the paddle example is a very good idea...

Also maybe get a silk scarf or something and ask him to tie you up before he teases you and goes to shower...

I just think if he is a natural like you said, but acts like he isn't into the more "hardcore" type stuff, you should just keep sneaking it in...

The "What's your biggest fantasy?" is a good way to desguise this... See if you can get him to agree to you two exploring or trying each others fantasies (or maybe just ask him and you start the ball rolling)

So ask him what is his biggest fantasy, like that is the one thing he has never done, and always fantisized about... and tell him you want to explore his fantasy with him. Or if you are gonna play like its all a coincedence, tell him its hot and you wanna do it with him... (which might help him, sounds like with the laughing and calling you crazy he might have some repressive feelings about good old dirty sex)

The best part of it is, when that's all done, you just might let him think its his idea for him to explore your fantasy...

And guess what...

Your fantasy can be D/s... and now that you've given him his, maybe he will feel like he can go out of his comfort zone.

Best of luck... and if you ever wanna bullshit, I am here for friendship too...

See you around...

 

[Homburg]

Hahhaaaha sorry to laugh, but my dear, I hate to break the news. He IS dominating you. He is mind fucking you and you don't even know it. You can put labels on it all you want, try to explain it until you are blue in the face. He won't understand any of that because he is already a Dominant, comes naturally to him. Now, what you can do, is possibly act more submissive.

Yup, I was thinking the same thing. He's doing it so naturally that he doesn't need labels for it. Your burgeoning desires expressed here just show how well he is pushing your buttons.

Be happy, darlin. Just learn to recognise it for what it is.

ETA: And playing too many games to get him to do what you want is just topping from the bottom.

 

[Netzach]

It sounds like you're a submissive bottom, and like he's a Dominant but not necessarily a Top. If spanking is something he doles out to you as a treat, it may not be something that he *needs* to do. If you really need a physical manifestation, I don't think that's a bad thing. This delicious frustration may remain delicious, but if it's perpetual frustration rather than the well-timed doling of treats, you may find yourself frustrated to a non-productive point. I've seen people justify their partners' disinterest with submitting to their will, but there's only so far this will take someone who's genuinely kinked in a physical way. Personally, I'm Dominant, but even more a Top. If I'm with someone who can't get behind what I want in some physical manner, I would communicate with them about the serious trouble the relationship is in, because it will NOT last for me with no hope of physical manifestation, even small or subtle ones.

Controlling someone with their kink is one thing, controlling someone by ignoring their kink and calling it delayed gratification does not work.

Of course he may also want you to break down and beg for what you want, rather than trying to take the reins and make it happen.

 

[alexanna]

I feel for you

My husband and I are currently going through a similar dilemma. I have come out of the closet to him in a very big way and he understands that I do need a physical manifestation of the D/s dynamic and although somewhat uncomfortable with it I am very lucky that he has chosen to give me what I need sexually and is trying to come to terms with his own reservations. This does open up some interesting issues though in that no matter how natural and good he is in dominating me in the bedroom, and he is quite good, there is always the underlying knowledge that he is doing it FOR me. Don’t get me wrong he does enjoy himself. Like he says when everyone is naked and I’m turned on its hard not to have fun but he doesn’t NEED to do it. I think in the end we will be able to use this in the sense that he can humiliate me by constantly pointing out that he doesn’t really want to do such and such and look at everything he does for me, all the while maintaining one of the biggest erections of his life.

If you want to chat please feel free to contact me. I am always looking for friends to discuss D/s with and I would be happy to tell you how I came out so as not to completely scare my husband off. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t as hard as I always thought it would be. I did it in stages and after 10 years of marriage I am more in love with him now than I have ever been. By coming out I have found out just what a wonderful man I am married to. I wish you the same happiness.

 

[Lady_In_Black]

Welcome! And don't worry, I think a lot of people here have, or are going through what you are.

 

[alexanna]

I have so talked with him. He just gives me funny looks and acts like I am crazy.

It seems like if I take that kind of lead he gets pretty oppositional. He can be a delightfully obtuse asshole. The joke around the house is that if he can figure out exactly what I want, thats the last thing he will do. And he has the most infuriatingly delighted expression on his face when he frustrates me.

Lately things have gotten better, he will spank me but only when I am not expecting it. He has found he likes getting me turned on and then deciding to do something else like take a nap. But when I talk about erotic denial he looks at me and shakes his head like I am imagining things. I have this odd project of tricking him into doing what he thinks is his idea.

I have to admit that I have always been a sucker for man I can't control. But now I have one and I am trying to figure ways to gently steer him toward what I want without showing my cards.

I am thinking of writing a series of stories about a woman with a kink for assholes, assholes not anuses.

Xantu
Its my bed, I made it, now I need to figure out how to sleep in it.

PS. Don't get me wrong, the guy is crazy good in bed, as long as he is in charge.

Sounds like the first guy I fell in love with. He was a very natural dominant and top but couldn't stand the idea of actually being part of the "BDSM scene" and if I ever used any of the lingo he just turned off completely. It got pretty annoying actually because I felt like we couldn't really grow and explore. I am glad my husband isn't like this and we don't have to pretend that what we do isn't really BDSM which is what it would have been like with the other guy if the relationship had continued.

The other big issue with this is safety. My husband is very concerned about hurting me and I have been quite touched that he has taken it apon himself to read up on the safety precautions outlined in the "Screw the Roses" book before seriously spanking me with anything but his hand. The other guy whipped my breasts black and blue with a belt (which I loved) and neither of us had a clue about safety concerns or lasting damage. In hindsight it was very reckless.

 

[EM Master]

Write Me Now

You will write me when you see this and I will give you further instructions, do it!

 

[minx1]

You will write me when you see this and I will give you further instructions, do it!

Who?? Me??!!!!

 

[bandelero]

You will write me when you see this and I will give you further instructions, do it!

muahahahahah...PMSL...real mop n bucket job

 

[Xantu]

Hi...

Good Job on your first post... That wasn't so bad was it?

I agree with the above post for the most part... (Except I dont believe you always have to be submissive to him... You do what feels right to you...)

But the paddle example is a very good idea...

Also maybe get a silk scarf or something and ask him to tie you up before he teases you and goes to shower...

I just think if he is a natural like you said, but acts like he isn't into the more "hardcore" type stuff, you should just keep sneaking it in...

The "What's your biggest fantasy?" is a good way to desguise this... See if you can get him to agree to you two exploring or trying each others fantasies (or maybe just ask him and you start the ball rolling)

So ask him what is his biggest fantasy, like that is the one thing he has never done, and always fantisized about... and tell him you want to explore his fantasy with him. Or if you are gonna play like its all a coincedence, tell him its hot and you wanna do it with him... (which might help him, sounds like with the laughing and calling you crazy he might have some repressive feelings about good old dirty sex)

The best part of it is, when that's all done, you just might let him think its his idea for him to explore your fantasy...

And guess what...

Your fantasy can be D/s... and now that you've given him his, maybe he will feel like he can go out of his comfort zone.

Best of luck... and if you ever wanna bullshit, I am here for friendship too...

See you around...

Hmmm... looking back over my posts and maybe I am crazy but I don't see where I said I was "always" submissive to him... Because I certainly have not been "always" anything. Generally I have more submissive than dominant sexually. In the general relationship I varied widely between psychotic witch and a saint... much like any woman.

Anyway... deep breath... let go... leave the defensiveness behind...

Thank you for all your responses. You are right I know he is dominating me. I just would have liked some more formal games. A little ropes and little more pain.

Things have been going much better in terms of his acting more dominant in our relationship in general. It took me deciding to act like a sub whether he was going to act like a Dom or not. It did not take him many days before he stopped protesting and started getting to really like it. Nothing like foot rubs, food on the table, a meek loving woman rubbing your feet, and an anything you want, I am here to serve you, I worship at your feet type a life.

You call a man sir and by god he starts living up to your expectations.

I have had to learn to set aside what I want. It may or may not happen but that is not my role in the relationship. It is not about my wants, its about his.

Speaking of which, time to cook, shower and put on the "he is coming home soon clothes".

Again Thank you all for your advice

Xantu

 

[lil_slave_rose]

but you must be submissive to him all the time, not just in the bedroom.

huh?? where in the rule book is that written? i must have skipped that page

seriously, you do not have to be submissive to him ALL of the time, it's whatever works best for you and him. start out slow and go with it. enjoy the journey, don't move to fast or you will miss the funnest parts of the ride good luck to you