First Literotica Posting

[elsol]

(Though not my first story)...

Feedback is information for improvement thus if you will.

Anyway the stats:

Author Name: ElSol
Story Title: The Return of Dacia
Story Category: Erotic Couplings
Link:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=181259

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[NoJo]

"The only difference between the white haired men with blank stares and me was a single song lyric. I had been riding the train into the city for eighteen months and five days to do a job that was just a job. I was a technical consultant, pimped out by a staffing firm over three to six month contracts to companies needing an extra pair of hands. The city was where I was in demand, so I got used to catching a 6:30am train, being at work exactly 8 1/2 hours and catching the 4:27pm train to what I called home. "


Too many numbers, man!

And too long (the first para).

Now, I think you have a good mood going in this story, but too many odd stylistic thing start to jar, like when a guy has a stain on his tie, red socks, a pimple on his nose... seeing the combination , you just say -- uh uh, and find someone else at the party to talk to.

"the men with blank stares" is the first problem. "The blankly staring men" may be a little better. And put that sentence in a paragraph by itself.

"The only difference between the white haired men with blank stares and me was a single song lyric. "

Maybe you, the bored commuter, should focus on just one balnkly staring man..

And let's see that lyric before that sentence:


Her name was Lola...

A single line of a Barry Manilow song was all that separated me from the white-haired man opposite.


It's the first shot of the film.

I'm sure you can rejig it better than my example.

Then you go ito back story.

 

[elsol]

Thank you for the feedback.

ElSol

"The only difference between the white haired men with blank stares and me was a single song lyric. I had been riding the train into the city for eighteen months and five days to do a job that was just a job. I was a technical consultant, pimped out by a staffing firm over three to six month contracts to companies needing an extra pair of hands. The city was where I was in demand, so I got used to catching a 6:30am train, being at work exactly 8 1/2 hours and catching the 4:27pm train to what I called home. "


Too many numbers, man!

And too long (the first para).

Now, I think you have a good mood going in this story, but too many odd stylistic thing start to jar, like when a guy has a stain on his tie, red socks, a pimple on his nose... seeing the combination , you just say -- uh uh, and find someone else at the party to talk to.

"the men with blank stares" is the first problem. "The blankly staring men" may be a little better. And put that sentence in a paragraph by itself.

"The only difference between the white haired men with blank stares and me was a single song lyric. "

Maybe you, the bored commuter, should focus on just one balnkly staring man..

And let's see that lyric before that sentence:


Her name was Lola...

A single line of a Barry Manilow song was all that separated me from the white-haired man opposite.


It's the first shot of the film.

I'm sure you can rejig it better than my example.

Then you go ito back story.