First effort

[darkseraph]

Greetings all,
I've finally posted my first submission. This is really the first time I've made any attempt at creative writing, and I was looking for any feedback you could give me. I submitted it under erotic horror, but it's really more of a supernatural romance.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=402990

 

[tickledkitty]

It's well written. The problem is that you lost me after a few paragraphs. You go for about 3000 words with no dialogue. It seems to me that there's too much background information up front. Why not start the story at the bar and sprinkle the background stuff throughout? Use the dialogue to tell some of it. Also, I bet if you really comb back through those 3000 words of introduction, you might find that you could cut about half.

Good luck.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Oh, I remember reading this one yesterday.

I liked it. The descriptions were good and the sex hot. It's a little too long though. There's a big chunk of background at the start that isn't really necessary and makes it hard to get into the story. You could probably cut most of that out and have a leaner story. The important points about his character can easily be filled in while he's talking with Autumn later.

There are a few typos, but I thought it was a good tale overall. You can definitely write, but be careful about getting too carried away with the flowery descriptions.

Damn fine first effort. Look forward to seeing more.