First attempt at posting - would welcome comments

[Ray Roberts]

Hi

Thanks for taking the trouble to look at this and possibly read my first submission to this forum.

My school English was always terrible so I am very nervous about opening up to experienced writers.

Is it worth me adding to some of my experiences with further stories or should I stick to the readers section!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=75051

Cheers Ray

 

[PaulX35]

Comments

Hi Ray,

First of all, congrats with getting that first thing posted; always a big step.
You already announced you wrote this piece as a letter to the editor, and that is exactly how it reads. For me, that story-form didn't really add to any intimacy of reading it. I love to be pulled, drawn into a story and with a letter to the editor sort of style, that simply wasn't happening to me.

What I also missed was a bit of character development, and I guess the more distant, reporter style of writing plays some part in that as well. The content of the story was okay, enough to brew a good erotic story, I'd say. But as we are flooded here with many creative erotica-ideas, you may need a bit more to really make this a catchy story.
Direct conversation so often does magic, and the form you choose practically disables you to use it, which is a pity, I think.
May give it a retry and try to write it from a perspective of people actually being inside the story. I realise this comment does not respect the way you elected to write it. On the other hand, I think the content is interesting enough to warrant that one-more-try.

Hope this helps somewhat; good luck with your writing,

Paul

 

[Natural Born Eros]

Congrats on your first post Ray. Don't stick to reading, you are far more talented than an awful lot of contributors here. Its also far more fun to write.

As you said that your English was terrible, I won't bother to go through the grammatical errors, since I'm sure that would drive you mad. There really aren't that many, so if I was you, I wouldn't worry about it. Most readers don't seem to mind unless your story is absolutely crawling with them. However, it is worth pointing out that there is a volunteer editor service which may well be useful if you are bothered about getting your stories improved upon.

As to the content, I think Paul has voiced most of my concerns. I guess it is because most letters to the editor (in my extremely limited experience) are disgusting, and appalingly written, it is not a format that appeals to me. The lack of character development that this creates is also a major difficulty.

In conclusion, I think you have written a good story, and brought it to the wrong audience! From what I can gather, there are plenty of readers who enjoy a good description of sex, which, ultimately, is what this story offers. However, the regular contributors to this site tend to prefer their stories to have a bit more depth, and to be of an extremely high technical standard. I would see how the feedback from other sources (PMs, emails, and votes) comes out, and use those as much as you rely on the feedback here.

Keep writing, and Happy New Year!

Eros

 

[Ray Roberts]

Reply to the posts

Firstly THANKS for taking the trouble to both read and respond to my story(letter) I fully take in the comments and can agree with the use of more build-up and direct involvement of a story. I am guilty of wandering down memory lane and not trying to perfect the content which I can see is necessary to fully satisfy the regular "literotica reader"

Anyway I am not putt off by the comments and hope to improve any further efforts I attempt in this forum. I have enjoyed a considerable private response and been surprised at people's interests, like " did your girlfriend have bushy armpits? and if she did I wish you had described them" well to any others, she did and I found that very erotic but I just didn't think others would.

I have also had heaps of request for pictures. Yes I do have some but don't want to make them public as we split up ages ago, although we still keep in touch.