Finding other BDSM newbies to explore?

[ero_dream]

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[catalina_francisco]

I would suggest first starting with a lot of reading and exploration of self, and possibly reading through this thread . No-one can tell you what you like or don't like, only you can do that and until you have some idea of what the possibilities might be, I would advise exploring that a bit more so you know what type person you would care to explore with be they experienced or not.

Catalina

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Doing your homework is always important and it's possible to test different sensations and ideas on yourself before throwing yourself at the feet of a mentor.

You can post a BDSM personals ad but be aware that you'll get replies from people who claim to have more experience than they really do, especially if you're submissive.

It's not difficult to identify most of the asshats if you question people further and they get vague or defensive. Sub never means doormat and a sensible and experienced Dom should expect to be questioned, vetted and met in person for a drink or meal with no sexual agenda before you consider putting your welfare in their hands.

If anyone throws 'a true submissive would' at you, run like hell, it's manipulative BS.

A better first step would be to google for a 'munch' in your area. It's just a gathering of BDSM lifestylers for a drink and a chat ~ no fetish gear required. The people there should be reasonably experienced and be able to point you in the right direction in your search for a mentor.

There are plenty of safe, sane and experienced BDSMers out there if you stick to your guns and seek out someone you truly trust and respect.

Good luck.

 

[Marquis]

I'm not sure if you're asking about a sexual or platonic arrangement, but this is something that has long been fascinating for me.

First of all, I do find it kind of.... I don't know, weird or something, how pervasive of an idea it is that a females greatest bargaining chip is her sexuality. Training and mentoring occurs in BDSM all the time, but for some reason when it's a female being mentored by a male, it is quite expected that part of the learning process involves getting fucked. Just letting you know what to expect, although I don't suspect I have to.

If you're talking about a more platonic thing:

My experience in this has been interesting as well. There are a few people in the scene I would consider mentors to some degree or other, but for the most part, I have been extremely resistant to engaging in a strict mentor/protege situation. It has probably hurt my skills to some degree, but I deal with it because I'm nobody's lackey.

It took me quite a while of being in the scene to have this, but I now have friends who are in my own age range who are serious about BDSM and have their own unique skills and perspective to offer. We share our knowledge openly and equally among us, avoiding the attempts at manipulation that supplicating to a more experienced individual would bring.

I recommend it.

 

[Homburg]

I'm not sure if you're asking about a sexual or platonic arrangement, but this is something that has long been fascinating for me.

First of all, I do find it kind of.... I don't know, weird or something, how pervasive of an idea it is that a females greatest bargaining chip is her sexuality. Training and mentoring occurs in BDSM all the time, but for some reason when it's a female being mentored by a male, it is quite expected that part of the learning process involves getting fucked. Just letting you know what to expect, although I don't suspect I have to.

I've mentored platonically more often than I've mentored with fucking.

I am apparently doing something incorrectly.

If you're talking about a more platonic thing:

My experience in this has been interesting as well. There are a few people in the scene I would consider mentors to some degree or other, but for the most part, I have been extremely resistant to engaging in a strict mentor/protege situation. It has probably hurt my skills to some degree, but I deal with it because I'm nobody's lackey.

I know this feeling more than a bit. I've had people offer, and turned them down explicitly because of that lackey feel. I won't toady for anyone. Other folks have offered to teach, and I've paid attention. It's all in the presentation, I guess.

It took me quite a while of being in the scene to have this, but I now have friends who are in my own age range who are serious about BDSM and have their own unique skills and perspective to offer. We share our knowledge openly and equally among us, avoiding the attempts at manipulation that supplicating to a more experienced individual would bring.

I recommend it.

This is what I'm looking for. So far, it's not working. I really wish I could afford to travel more. I want to go to shibaricon rather badly, as it is well known for its' open egalitarian atmosphere.

 

[Netzach]

Lackey?

I've done formal and informal mentoring and learning in both directions.

Experience is good, compatibility is gooder.

 

[Homburg]

Lackey?

I've done formal and informal mentoring and learning in both directions.

Experience is good, compatibility is gooder.

I've watched some people make that mentor offer and the toady/lackey role is implicit in tone, body language, and demeanor. It's a feel more than a role. For lack of a better explanation, it sets up an unequal relationship between two tops. I've seen people get off on this.

 

[Netzach]

I've watched some people make that mentor offer and the toady/lackey role is implicit in tone, body language, and demeanor. It's a feel more than a role. For lack of a better explanation, it sets up an unequal relationship between two tops. I've seen people get off on this.

Oh yeah.

Well in my case it *was* an unequal relationship. Both times. I knew jack in one case, and I was dealing with someone in the other case who was putting sounds in dick when I was in single digit grades. But I don't mind the one-down position when someone has skills and I want them or someone has history and I want to know it. Within reason. How much of an asshole are they going to be?

 

[Marquis]

This is what I'm looking for. So far, it's not working. I really wish I could afford to travel more. I want to go to shibaricon rather badly, as it is well known for its' open egalitarian atmosphere.

Well I hope you get to make it to the ATL littogether and we get a chance to meet. Perhaps we can show each other a thing or two.

 

[Marquis]

Oh yeah.

Well in my case it *was* an unequal relationship. Both times. I knew jack in one case, and I was dealing with someone in the other case who was putting sounds in dick when I was in single digit grades. But I don't mind the one-down position when someone has skills and I want them or someone has history and I want to know it. Within reason. How much of an asshole are they going to be?

A major fucking asshole.

 

[Netzach]

A major fucking asshole.

Then no.

If they're not going to be an asshole or be a marginally assholeish asshole in endearing fashion, then OK.

 

[Marquis]

Then no.

If they're not going to be an asshole or be a marginally assholeish asshole in endearing fashion, then OK.

I'm not saying part of it isn't or couldn't be me. In fact, it probably is.

I've declined some opportunities to train with some really, really talented people because I didn't appreciate the dynamic. My thought on it is simple. Unless these people want their skills to die with them, they need me as much as I need them. I don't expect to have my ass kissed, but I do expect our interaction to not be emasculating or humiliating.

It doesn't even have to be mutual, but this isn't the fucking Karate Kid, fuck that wax-on, wax-off bullshit.

I find that I'm adjusting more as I get more acclimated to the scene. At one point there was an overwhelming sense of me being the new guy and everyone and their momma wanting to haze me, fuck me or swindle me in some kinda way. These days I know enough people and enough people know me to where I don't have to have my guard up so much all the time.

 

[Homburg]

Oh yeah.

Well in my case it *was* an unequal relationship. Both times. I knew jack in one case, and I was dealing with someone in the other case who was putting sounds in dick when I was in single digit grades. But I don't mind the one-down position when someone has skills and I want them or someone has history and I want to know it. Within reason. How much of an asshole are they going to be?

If they aren't being an asshole, I'm down with that. I know one or two really experienced people around here who are like that. I also know others that are in the other camp.

One in particular grates on me. Yes, sport, I know you do fire-whip play. I do impact play, would you like a demonstration?

---

Well I hope you get to make it to the ATL littogether and we get a chance to meet. Perhaps we can show each other a thing or two.

Sounds great to me =)


--

Then no.

If they're not going to be an asshole or be a marginally assholeish asshole in endearing fashion, then OK.

Yep, asshole in an endearing fashion is cool.

 

[Netzach]

My thought on it is simple. Unless these people want their skills to die with them, they need me as much as I need them.

I'll one up that, even. While this isn't easy all the time, it's not fucking cold fusion either, it's sex. No one is the ONLY place to learn anything.

 

[JMohegan]

I've been incredibly interested in learning more BDSM and D/s in all of their fascinating aspects, but I've had a hard time finding someone to learn with. I think I would prefer to learn WITH someone, as opposed to being "coached" by someone to condition myself to learn what it is that I like. Is that even advisable? Is it best to learn from/with someone who is already familiar with some of the workings of BDSM? Where and how would I go about finding someone to explore with? Is it advisable to maybe post a detailed personal ad here on Lit? Any help or suggestions greatly appreciated!

My answer to these questions differs depending on the orientation, age, and relationship goals of the addressee. A quick glance at your prior posts tells me that you are 23, male, and:

"Not into the Lifestyle, but finding myself drawn towards some of the aspects of BDSM, particularly femdom. Since I've done nothing more than dabble in some VERY soft bondage, I don't know that I'd ascribe myself and role such as Dom or sub. I think that I have more of a lean towards being switch, as I am interested in both sides of the play. I'm more interested in learning more about the power exchange and mental aspects that play such a major role. I'm also very bicurious and learning to be more openminded about sexuality."

Further, you: "really dig older guys, although it's not necessary that you be older." And: "Some of my current interests are older women, CFNM, group sex, creampies, stockings, bisex, learning more about BDSM and anal sex."

Given all of this, my advice is to turn off your computer and step out into your local community to meet similarly curious and open-minded peers. How to find them? Start attending local demos, visiting alternative clubs and kinky organizations, etc.

South Carolina is home to Evil_Geoff, a Lit member who is very active in his local community. He would have more specific suggestions, but even without his help a quick google search should uncover multiple possibilities.

As for your question about the relative benefits of learning from someone with significant BDSM experience, I'd say that depends. If you want to learn a specific skill relating to a potentially hazardous activity (e.g., fireplay), then seeking out a knowledgeable friend or instructor to demonstrate techniques & offer safety advice is extremely helpful.

In general, however, I'm a fan of individual experimentation, exploration, creativity, and sexual expression that is partner-focused and spontaneous, rather than taught.

 

[Netzach]

There may be a kinky youth organization in SC too or environs, again Evil_Geoff is your man in that regard to ask. If you want to learn WITH someone and not be taught AT, then one's peer group is often a helpful place to start. I find that inside of the 20-35 segment there's a different going attitude toward power dynamics and keeping them neutral *outside* your personal relationships more often.

A lot of all-mens' bondage clubs tend to be pretty relaxed and nice, my husband was into that scene a bit when he lived elsewhere, too. The mens' scene tends to be a little separate from the pansexual one and it's not always a very formal Leather scene.

 

[Nipplez]

BDSM newbie wanting someone to teach her...

 

[TeachMeSir]

......

 

[ero_dream]

http://www.roadkilltshirts.com/images/products/COLORED/SHE-SAID_RK.gif

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I know you do fire-whip play.

I've seen done fireplay of various sorts (cupping, bouncing, streaking, etc.), and seen lots of whip play - some of it awe-inspiring! - but fire-whip play? <insert huge eyes emoticon here> Can you elucidate, sir?

 

[faeriefire]

I guess I chose the wrong screen name ... I do want to be taught, in that when I read the threads that excite me, I wonder if they would be as exciting in r/l, or perahps boring or too hard a limit for me to actually approach. And I also want to be taught from a PYL what it is that pleases HIM and what I can do to make his play more fun for Him!!!!!... like my breathing with punishment (play or ohterwise), deep throating (need some work on that) etc etc... but as far as being taught how to be a sub... well, I don't think I need to be taught that ... I just AM...... I guess the PYL's degree of control over me ( and my trust in him) would dictate how subbie I am or am not. It's an attitude you can't exactly teach..... As for whips & fireplay & electroplay etc etc ...... I don't really want to be taught more than what I NEED to know to keep myself safe .... Hey, I'm not soo stupid I'm saying I don't need to know anything! I just don't need to wheld teh wand if you know what i mean.....

*raises hand to join the (rather short) newbie queue* I think ur screen name is pretty awesome actually, so one vote in favor We should chat more about this pleasing the Dom thing. I've had lots of long talks with folks, especially with K, about this and if you're curious I'd be happy to share...it's important I think...hmm maybe for a thread topic... Anyway, I agree that being submissive is just there, an inherent part of my makeup but that doesn't mean I act submissive with everyone. My list of things to try is growing daily I wonder if we should search out the newbies who posted on the 'new faces' thread and make 'em join up. Nope...a stalker I'm not... I'm jumping right into bdsm it seems so while I'm very new in some ways I'm also soaking up info like a sponge and moving towards RL faster than some, slower than others. I'm looking forward to finally meeting folks in the near future and learning more every day.

 

[TeachMeSir]

[.......

 

[intothewoods]

... I find that I'm adjusting more as I get more acclimated to the scene. At one point there was an overwhelming sense of me being the new guy and everyone and their momma wanting to haze me, fuck me or swindle me in some kinda way. These days I know enough people and enough people know me to where I don't have to have my guard up so much all the time. ...

I can relate to this feeling, and I'm a pyl! I am now just starting to let my guard down, after being out in the scene for a while now. Since...hmmm...last June/July? Not a year yet, but anyway. I didn't feel like anyone wanted to swindle me, but I felt like every conversation was a manipulation of some sort. Like, so, what do you want out of this? It got to the point where I basically had to put on my super bitch persona all the damn time. It gets exhausting. But recently I've felt a little more mellow. I got used to saying, no thanks, and everyone got used to me not wanting to play. I think the hardest thing for me is everyone assumes public scene kink is everyone's bread and butter. I do like it and want to do it, but of the eight zillion things I have to worry about, it's further down the list.

But I digress...

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Re: Mentoring...(rules???)

I posted this to T3's discussion list a few weeks ago... No need to re-invent the wheel.


Rule #1 - If they want to have sex with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #1a - If you want to have sex with them, YOU AREN'T LOOKING FOR
A MENTOR.

Rule #2 - If they want to play with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #2a - If you want them to play with you, YOU ARE NOT LOOKING
FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #3 - If they try to run your life or deny you access to other
people or sources of information for your BDSM education, THEY ARE
NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #3a - If you are looking for them to run your life, make
decisions for you, tell you who you can see, or what you can read,
or who you can talk to to learn about this lifestyle, YOU ARE NOT
LOOKING FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #4 - YOU, and only YOU, are responsible for wisely choosing a
mentor. DO YOUR EFFING HOMEWORK before asking someone to be a
mentor for you.

A mentor is a teacher, a guide, a sounding board, a friend.
According to Webster's - a mentor is a trusted counselor or guide.
A mentor is there to answer your questions, offer advice, point you
in the direction to find the answers you need. They are there to
warn you when you are about to screw up... but they are not there to
save you from your own hormones or stupidity. A mentor needs the
ethics of a saint, and the patience of Job, the flexibility of a
snake and a spine of steel sometimes.

A mentor isn't a fuck-buddy, a friend with benefits, a play partner,
or control freak for _your_ life. Do not let a predator in mentor's
clothing attempt to use you.

Nuff said.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Yeah, I actually went to school in Columbia and I am currently located within easy distance to try to attend one of the T3WD munches...I still feel like I need to do a little more homework and gain more confidence in my budding knowledge of BDSM.

All of the advice has been very helpful and much appreciated! Keep it coming!

We get absolute brand spanking new doms and subs, and those with experience, we get the curious, and jaded, the naive and the cynical, the young and the old...

T3 (and I) would welcome you just as you are.