Figuring Out How To Feel

[KoPilot]

So I typed this up earlier today and posted it on a very different message board. Then I realized that I probably wouldn't get any replies (or at least serious ones), so I went searching for a good, healthy, educated community to seek help from instead.

So... TL;DR:

I am in a wonderful (albeit LD) relationship at the moment, and I realized that I was having some trouble getting into the "swing" of things with him in bed, but I guess that's natural? After all, he was my first, and we were only together for the week, so I guess I consider all the "times" we we had sex during that period to be more or less a single experience.

Anyways. Maybe it was just a bit overwhelming (but really fun and exhilirating) for me, but for some reason I just couldn't get into it as much as i would have liked, or as much as I know other people are able to. I know I have some self-esteem issues, but I think I have some kind of disconnection between my mind and my body and being able to experience stimuli through them as one thing was... really difficult for me. I often found myself focusing too much, or trying too hard (to what end, I donno) and being unable to relax.

I know that I've always anticipated some kind of hurdle for me to get over when it came high time for me to enter into a physical relationship, and here it is staring me in the face and I don't think I can quite pinpoint what it is. I do know for a fact that I'm submissive. The first time I jacked him off (which was the first time I'd ever touched a penis) he was telling me how to do it and that turned me on like crazy. I also lovelovelove giving him head because I feel like I'm serving him in some way. But when it comes to being equals in bed, I just don't know how to do it. Being on the bottom or taking it from behind are sexy as hell, but when I tried riding him I didn't know what to do. I was completely off-form and awkward, and couldn't bring myself to continue doing it for longer than a minute or two.

And so I've gone through the usual questions of "what's wrong with me?", and am desperately hoping that there isn't much that's preventing me from having a great sex life other than awkwardness or shyness. But when I started looking for answers in the D/s arena, I found an article on the Psychology Today website, and it almost brought me to tears:

"Reynolds' theory helps us develop a greater understanding of the desire to be a whip-bearing mistress or a bootlicking slave. For example, if a child has been taught to feel shame about her body and desires, she may learn to disconnect herself from them. Even as she gets older and gains more experience with sex, her personality may retain some part of that need for separation. S & M play may act as a bridge: Lying naked on a bed bound to the bedposts with leather restraints, she is forced to be completely sexual. The restraint, the futility of struggle, the pain, the master's words telling her she is such a lovely slave--these cues enable her body to fully connect with her sexual self in a way that has been difficult during traditional sex."

I really think that this is what's going on with me. Now I guess the next step would be to somehow let my boyfriend know about this. I don't want to make him feel as if he's got this responsibility to walk me through sex like some maladjusted kid, (though I will say I had a storybook first time that was nothing short of perfect) and I don't want EVERY time to feel like a first time.

I'm terrible at communicating what I want in terms of "shenanigans" as we call it (SEE? I can't even bring myself to call it sex with him!), other than through cutely excited noises on the phone when he brings something up, or telling him in a hesitantly innocent manner when he's had some drinks (somehow I'm convinced that it makes a difference even though he remembers quite clearly what I'd said when he's sobered up) . He's a dominant personality, and that's great for me. I may be fiercely independent in every other aspect of my life, but when it comes to being with him, I NEED that gentle guiding hand. I NEED the strong presence, the comfortingly possessive embrace. (And of course the spanking is just for good measure.) I just have no clue how to tell him about these other things I need. I've gone so long now just ignoring what my body does and says that I don't even know most of what it wants anymore. He needs to help me reestablish that link so maybe I don't have to objectively focus on what my body's doing so intently that I can barely orgasm.

Any thoughts? D:

 

[wicked woman]

Any thoughts? Yes. Don't be so hard on yourself and take responsibility for your own sexuality.

It's your first time having sex. Learning to be good and then even better is a journey. Reading and educating yourself are helpful but doesn't replace real life experience.

Also it's not your partner's responsibility to make it better. It's yours. You need to learn to own your sexuality. Learn to use the word sex for starters. To me sex is an intimate way that my partner and I communicate. Learn to communicate with your words and your body. Sex and intimacy are good, natural, and a lot of fun. Give yourself permission to enjoy and grow.

 

[bambikiller]

Your first time.
you were nervouse and are inexsperenced, it was your first time.
Don't worry about it.
Next time it'll be easier and the hundredth time even esier.
Have fun.

 

[KoPilot]

I've always been something of a high-strung person; even at my most relaxed moments I guess I'm on guard. It's probably why I'm so goddamn ticklish, actually, and I think he knows it too. He loves tickling me senseless (basically to the point of pain... if you're extremely ticklish, you'll know what I mean), and I secretly love it too because that's one of the few times when I can't lay there and over-analyze every little thing that's going on. I have no choice but to writhe, and twitch, and laugh until tears roll down my cheeks, and it feels GREAT.

I guess he can read me more than he lets on, and there's comfort to be found in that. And suppose I should just write this all off as newbie-grade performance anxiety... but it is a little difficult; he is on the older side (got 10 years on me), and so sometimes I can't help but think "man, why bother with my fumbling around? There are plenty of more experienced women out there that he could be having a grand old time with". And I know that's not something I should be thinking about someone that I love and possibly might spend my life with, but the thought is there, and it nags sometimes.

Well, as I'm well aware that I'm a tightly-wound ball of anxiety, I guess the first step is to stop whining about it and learn that I'm not as useless as I might think. That's probably the only way I'm going to be able to pursue something of a successful D/s relationship* with this guy, however mild it may be.

Now let's see if I can get him to start talking about coming home with a paddle again...

PS- And it's not that I can't say the word "sex" because I do quite often, I just can't bring myself to say it in reference to us. :\

*or any kind of successful sexual anything

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Sounds like it is just nerves...

Relax... enjoy it...

it will get better.

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

Its just your first time. No one is exactly comfortable then. It will be less that way in time. My first time I was like "whats the fuss? that was boring" lol
It takes time to come into your own, and you need to do things that make
YOU feel sexy. Whatever that may be: makeup, lingerie, heels. Whatever. Focus on things you you like about yourself. And, let your inner sex kitten come out to play!!

This all takes time, but it sounds like this guy is willing to be there for you and work through it. I think things will turn around for you.

P.S another thing to suggest is get yourself off. Masturbate. Get comfortable with YOU. its about pleasure and having fun!

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

BTW, the reason he's "bothering" [as you put it] with you is because he already sees what your not allowing yourself to see.
The tickling is his way of getting you to open up and have fun. It will soon translate into your sex life, I think. If you just allow it.

Sounds like a good guy. And older men are great!

 

[CutieMouse]

<snippage aheead>

I am in a wonderful (albeit LD) relationship at the moment, and I realized that I was having some trouble getting into the "swing" of things with him in bed, but I guess that's natural? After all, he was my first, and we were only together for the week, so I guess I consider all the "times" we we had sex during that period to be more or less a single experience.

It isn't uncommon for the "first time" to be so new that getting into the swing of things seems like something that won't ever happen.

Anyways. Maybe it was just a bit overwhelming (but really fun and exhilarating) for me, but for some reason I just couldn't get into it as much as i would have liked, or as much as I know other people are able to.

Measuring oneself against a fantasy/image of what it "should be" is kinda guaranteed to feed anxiety and disappointment. You can have sex for decades and still have moments/experiences where you go "Ohhhhhhh holy hell that was bad. Like horrible bad."

I know I have some self-esteem issues, but I think I have some kind of disconnection between my mind and my body and being able to experience stimuli through them as one thing was... really difficult for me. I often found myself focusing too much, or trying too hard (to what end, I donno) and being unable to relax.

Or maybe there was all this new stuff going on and you got yourself wound so tight over IT [sex] and all the stuff you were feeling that you'd never felt before that you weren't quite ready to integrate everything as seamlessly as you'd expected. No biggie. (spoken as someone who's been sexually active for almost 20 years and still has moments where I'm so busying thinking about/feeling "X", that I forget about "Y" until Y goes "*Hello!!!??!!! Y over here!!!!*" (Fortunately, I tend to end up with men who find this both amusing and hot as hell. LOL)

I know that I've always anticipated some kind of hurdle for me to get over when it came high time for me to enter into a physical relationship, and here it is staring me in the face and I don't think I can quite pinpoint what it is.

So you pre-determined that actually being physically sexually engged was going to create challenges, and it did?

I do know for a fact that I'm submissive... But when it comes to being equals in bed, I just don't know how to do it. Being on the bottom or taking it from behind are sexy as hell, but when I tried riding him I didn't know what to do. I was completely off-form and awkward, and couldn't bring myself to continue doing it for longer than a minute or two.

And I know plenty of D-types who no more consider woman-on-top a position of "equality" or dominance than face down, ass up, fist full of hair anal. So you found a position that felt awkward the first time you tried it. Okay. And?

And so I've gone through the usual questions of "what's wrong with me?",

The same thing that is "wrong" with most people the first few times they have sex... they don't know quite what they're doing yet.

and am desperately hoping that there isn't much that's preventing me from having a great sex life other than awkwardness or shyness. But when I started looking for answers in the D/s arena, I found an article on the Psychology Today website, and it almost brought me to tears:

"Reynolds' theory helps us develop a greater understanding of the desire to be a whip-bearing mistress or a bootlicking slave. For example, if a child has been taught to feel shame about her body and desires, she may learn to disconnect herself from them. Even as she gets older and gains more experience with sex, her personality may retain some part of that need for separation. S & M play may act as a bridge: Lying naked on a bed bound to the bedposts with leather restraints, she is forced to be completely sexual. The restraint, the futility of struggle, the pain, the master's words telling her she is such a lovely slave--these cues enable her body to fully connect with her sexual self in a way that has been difficult during traditional sex."

I really think that this is what's going on with me. Now I guess the next step would be to somehow let my boyfriend know about this. I don't want to make him feel as if he's got this responsibility to walk me through sex like some maladjusted kid, (though I will say I had a storybook first time that was nothing short of perfect) and I don't want EVERY time to feel like a first time.

Those who know me well are going to bust on me for saying this, but...

stop.thinking.so.much.

Stop self-analyzing. Stop self-diagnosing. Stop looking for things to be "wrong". Focus on the "storybook first time that was nothing short of perfect" parts.

As to the responsibility - it isn't his. It's yours.

I'm terrible at communicating what I want in terms of "shenanigans" as we call it (SEE? I can't even bring myself to call it sex with him!), other than through cutely excited noises on the phone when he brings something up, or telling him in a hesitantly innocent manner when he's had some drinks (somehow I'm convinced that it makes a difference even though he remembers quite clearly what I'd said when he's sobered up) . He's a dominant personality, and that's great for me. I may be fiercely independent in every other aspect of my life, but when it comes to being with him, I NEED that gentle guiding hand. I NEED the strong presence, the comfortingly possessive embrace. (And of course the spanking is just for good measure.) I just have no clue how to tell him about these other things I need. I've gone so long now just ignoring what my body does and says that I don't even know most of what it wants anymore. He needs to help me reestablish that link so maybe I don't have to objectively focus on what my body's doing so intently that I can barely orgasm.

Any thoughts? D:

Learn to communicate. Do it by IM, or email, or by journaling if actually speaking face-to-face is too awkward. And in between those times, learn about your body. Get comfy with being naked. Focus on how various textures feel against your skin, Masturbate as often as you like. Read erotica and pay attention to what gets you hot. Embrace the sensual aspects of life and live.

he is on the older side (got 10 years on me), and so sometimes I can't help but think "man, why bother with my fumbling around? There are plenty of more experienced women out there that he could be having a grand old time with".

This little bit? For every man out there who wants women like me (old, jaded, snarky, opinionated, wound to 'effing tight and waaaaay too intellectual for her own good)... there are a dozen who are beside themselves with desire to be "The ONE" to teach some inexperienced sweet little virgin the ropes. It's like putting a fingerprint on your sexual identity - pretty freaking heady stuff, given the proper attitude.

 

[Italian_and_Bi]

Well said, CutieMouse. Just enjoy the ride. Let go. And as she said, dont think so much!


YOur first time is sounding like everyone else's. Nothing abnormal at all, I promise! I actually cried after my first time. It was that bad! But now, Im a very sexual person and comfortable with that. I embrace my sexuality. You will too in time. Its natural and there's nothing wrong with enjoying it.

 

[BertrandRussell]

Let's transfer this logic from first time sex to other firsts, and see how it holds up:

The first time I rode a bicyle...I was completely off-form and awkward, and couldn't bring myself to continue doing it for longer than a minute or two...so I've gone through the usual questions of "what's wrong with me?" "
I needed advice on how to ride a bicycle, so I concluded that I was a sub.

Playing a piano is awkward the first time too. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.
...And so I've gone through the usual questions of "what's wrong with me?", and am desperately hoping that there isn't much that's preventing me from having a great musical career other than awkwardness or shyness...
When learning to play a piano, you'll do better with someone showing you how. That doesn't make you a submissive.

[sigh] There is nothing wrong with you. You are just like the rest of us mortals: we don't do it well the first time - whatever 'it' is.
And when we learn something new, it helps to have someone advising us. If you enjoy having that advisor too much, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are a submissive, it just means that you are lazy. ( A lot of the rest of us mortals are that way too. )

 

[KoPilot]

Thanks guys... lots of stuff ere that I needed to hear.

I just gotta get my head out of the gutter and stop thinking so much. And try to not think about not thinking so much. And also not start having these ridiculous preconcieved notions of what any of this should be just yet... especially if it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy that leaves me with the short end of the stick.

Okay, I think I got this. Now to just reaffirm a positive attitude: Next time I see him, it will be GREAT. I'm not going to be compared to anyone or anything, because I am my own person that feels things my own way, and this is something that he respects in me. He is kind and patient, and places no expectations or demands on me because it's about having fun, and we have fun. And once I get out of my head and in tune with my body, then things can only get MORE fun from there. And things will get more fun, because I'm going to learn to be comfortable with myself like nobody's business.

How was that?

EDIT:
Also, as for the "you don't really know you're a sub" comments (which are wholly valid at this point), I'm almost 100% sure that I am to some extent, because it's a dynamic that I've been fascinated with for my entire life. It spawned out of my childhood interest in mild vore and macrophillic-related imagery, which I still haven't outgrown. There's just something really cathartic about being manhandled, even if it's not in any way sexual.

 

[subwannabe]

If anyone has ever said they were an expert the first time then they are full of shit. Sex is a learning experience, not only the learning of sex itself but you learn what your partner likes and even more important, you learn about yourself. People don't even completely know their own sexual self until they have more and more experience. I think you are trying to over analyze the whole thing. You can't pick up a musical instrument and start playing at Carnegie Hall and you can't do it with sex either.

 

[BertrandRussell]

... For every man out there who wants women like me (old, jaded, snarky, opinionated, wound to 'effing tight and waaaaay too intellectual for her own good)... there are a dozen who are beside themselves with desire to be "The ONE" to teach some inexperienced sweet little virgin the ropes. It's like putting a fingerprint on your sexual identity - pretty freaking heady stuff, given the proper attitude.

Although most of CM's post is pure gold, I urge you to ignore this paragraph. There is nothing sexier than a woman who thinks a lot and has opinions. Don't give up on thinking, just learn to integrate it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Although most of CM's post is pure gold, I urge you to ignore this paragraph. There is nothing sexier than a woman who thinks a lot and has opinions. Don't give up on thinking, just learn to integrate it.

Psst!

I was being a teensy bit self-deprecating and facetious. If I had the mind I do now with the body I'd had at 20... damn that would be fun. LOL

 

[Homburg]

You know, you expressed your desires pretty well in that initial post. You could probably clean it up a bit and send him an email/letter.

Just sayin'...

 

[SimonBrooke]

EDIT:
Also, as for the "you don't really know you're a sub" comments (which are wholly valid at this point), I'm almost 100% sure that I am to some extent, because it's a dynamic that I've been fascinated with for my entire life. It spawned out of my childhood interest in mild vore and macrophillic-related imagery, which I still haven't outgrown. There's just something really cathartic about being manhandled, even if it's not in any way sexual.

Firstly, I'm really glad everyone else chipped in and said 'don't worry'; I can only endorse what they say. In my first sexual relationship back when I was 17, I didn't come at all in the four months it lasted, I was so tense. It was great, but I was too uptight to relax. Looking back on myself then from thirty five years later, I'm amused by it - now, I can relax just fine.

But about this last part: I think many of us know very early that we're kinked. My own very earliest sexual fantasies, before I even knew what sex was, was about tying girls up and stripping them naked. If you think you're sub, you probably are sub. Read 'The Story of O'; if you get off on it, then experiment.

You will almost certainly like it!

 

[satindesire]

You don't have to answer these questions openly, if you don't want to, but you may want to take a hard look at these questions and really examine your own sexuality.

Do you masturbate? Can you make yourself orgasm? Do you often feel a desire for orgasm? Can you relax and focus on the pleasure of sexual feelings without guilt or shame? Can you speak openly and honestly about sex to yourself and to your partner? When speaking about sex, are you comfortable? Are you knowledgeable about STDs, birth control and the anatomy of male and female genitals?

If you said NO, to any of these questions, then you need to educate yourself, and you need to take steps to coming into touch with your own sexuality. Masturbating, reading, absorbing, making sure you are CONSTANTLY reaffirming the fact that it's okay to orgasm, okay to want sex, okay to ask questions and okay to talk about sex. Sex is good. Sex is healthy, and sex is good FOR you.

Once you have become totally comfortable with your own sexuality and desire for sex, and once you are educated about sexuality and how to protect yourself from any unwanted consequences of your actions, THEN you will find yourself much more comfortable in sexual situations.

 

[KoPilot]

You don't have to answer these questions openly, if you don't want to, but you may want to take a hard look at these questions and really examine your own sexuality.

Do you masturbate? Can you make yourself orgasm? Do you often feel a desire for orgasm? Can you relax and focus on the pleasure of sexual feelings without guilt or shame? Can you speak openly and honestly about sex to yourself and to your partner? When speaking about sex, are you comfortable? Are you knowledgeable about STDs, birth control and the anatomy of male and female genitals?

If you said NO, to any of these questions, then you need to educate yourself, and you need to take steps to coming into touch with your own sexuality. Masturbating, reading, absorbing, making sure you are CONSTANTLY reaffirming the fact that it's okay to orgasm, okay to want sex, okay to ask questions and okay to talk about sex. Sex is good. Sex is healthy, and sex is good FOR you.

Once you have become totally comfortable with your own sexuality and desire for sex, and once you are educated about sexuality and how to protect yourself from any unwanted consequences of your actions, THEN you will find yourself much more comfortable in sexual situations.

I can answer yes to all of those other than the "talking about sex to your partner" one, which is probably three-quarters of what it should be.

And unfortunately, I am horrendously familiar with every single bit of female anatomy these days due to some medical issues (ovarian cysts) I've been struggling with for about a year now. It's kind of sad how nonplussed I am whenever I go in for a pelvic exam these days. It's like getting my teeth cleaned now, haha.

But yes, there are things to work on, and just talking to you guys has empowered me immensely... I feel better about myself and my so-called situation doesn't seem to be that much of a situation anymore!