Fighting both tears and addiction

[Endlessly]

Okay. My mom and I have ALWAYS been really close, she's like the best friend I don't tell intimate details about my life to, if that makes any sense. (we're getting closer.) She's always told me my dad has a real gambling problem, and since my relationship with my father is horrible and we declared bankruptcy when I was in high school, I've always been far less than happy with the situation. He always blamed it on her, but hey, he's a dumbass who WOULD do something like that.

So it's sweltering here, my parents were going out to the casino for a 'half hour' (usually means they'll be in sometime before work the next morning), and I pester to go along, the idea of nursing a diet coke in AC for a few hours at the expense of a few nickles seeming well worth the hassle. My mother and I shared a video poker machine.

We gambled. She drank.
And drank. And gambled.

Glassy eyes and slurred speech; I was stunned, I was always in bed when they got home and had rarely seen my mother drunk. When it came time to leave, when we were out of money, CHRIST did that woman pitch a drunken fit! I've seen toddlers throw more mature temper tantrums. She was so vile in the car my father tried to placate her by sending her off with a small amount of money to a DIFFERENT casino while we picked up burgers for dinner.. And the same scenario played out when we tried to take her out of that one.

My father told me he remembers when we had to take out an $8,000 loan to pay of gambling debts on our credit card, and we had to declare bankruptcy because of another fifteen grand in gambling debts. "I love your mother dearly," he said, shaking his head, "But this is the one thing she can't say no to."

And it makes me angry. It hurts me and infuriates me to see her so weak, to see the woman-- who, when my 5th grade teacher called her and complained that I made the other girls feel dumb, promptly replied that perhaps the other girls should be a little smarter-- be so stupid with booze and addiction.

SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. She was an addiction councellor for 25 years and after preaching the 12 steps for 3 decades and after over $23,000 in debts, she can't even admit she has a problem. She is married to a deacon of our church and is adamantly convinced I have a call to ministry and she won't stay out of the casinos.

I don't know why I'm saying all of this. I am incensed, I am grieving and I'm looking for advice. I don't even know where to start..

 

[April]

I'm so sorry, Endlessly. I have no advice to give you. Would a cyber hug do? (((((((HUG)))))))

 

[Deb]

Oh, Endlessly...

my heart breaks for you. "SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER" doesn't help a bit. She does know better...she's addicted.

Love her for the person she is. Hate the disease, but love the person. When she's ready...if she's ever ready...she'll need you. But not like she needs you now.

Don't enable her. Don't go to casinos with her. Don't cover for her. Your father is probably doing it out of love, shame, frustration...whatever...but he shouldn't be bailing her out either. And certainly not driving her to these places.

If I sound harsh, I apologize. My mother lives with me now. My father bailed her out of trouble more times than I can count. After he died, because of gambling, she lost her house.

If she was a counselor, maybe you know that gambling and drinking go hand in hand. She needs to stop both. My mother still drinks...and I cringe every night when I hear that first beer can open.

She can't go gamble now...she can't see to drive...and I won't take her. It pisses her off sometimes, but it's hard enough for me to live with the beer.

I shouldn't put up with that, either, but haven't yet figured out what to do about it. If I don't get her beer, after three days she's having withdrawal symptoms...the DT's.

So I do understand. Get help for yourself. It's the best, and probably only thing you can do for now.

And be aware...I went through treatment for alcoholism many years ago, and with the few experiences I have had at casinos realize they are not really a good place for me to be, either.

God bless, darling, and if you have to, to save yourself, get out.

 

[Slut_boy]

Wow Endlessly,

I don't have experience in addiction (masturbation is about the only daily fix that I crave) but I do think that what Deb said in re the problem is the disease and not the diseased, makes good sense. There is surely no antigen for an addiction to gambling and so I guess it won't go away unless it's treated.

But, and this is the part that I really wanted to say - it can sometimes be very difficult to decide whether another's burden ought to be your problem. I know that she's your mom, but exactly what type of duty does that maternal link impose. Is your dad closer to her? Sometimes, it helps to assist those who are closer rather than the affected person directly. I think that there are a lot of reasons for this - an inequality of bargaining power is the most obvious. You'll know better than us. But those around her probably need as much support and re-assurance - lest they deplete their own strength. It's kinda like a tree with a parasite growing on it. If the tree should fall, then both it and that dependent on it go down as well. Don't forget about yourself here, is what I am trying to say.

Good luck, babe.

 

[gatherer]

I am sorry

this is part of your life. Do you have other family,
perhaps in another state? If the answer is yes, are they aware of your situation. Sometime even if they are aware, they still are unable to provide assistance. If they could though would you be willing to move in with other family?

 

[Laurel]

I'm so sorry, Endlessly. I do know how you feel, as I had a similar experience with my father a few years ago (only in his case I already knew he was an addict but found out he was a child molester as well. Woo hoo! So I guess it's not that similar - gamblers aren't child molesters, and you're mom's a lovely person I'm sure...but I'm rambling...)

My point is that we all still view our parents the way we did when we were 5 years old, deep down inside. Even as adults, we still want them to be better, more moral, stronger, kinder than mere humans. So when we find out that they ARE human - and flawed - it hurts. Your anger at your mother's "weakness" comes from the 5-year-old in you, indignant at Mommy for not being Mommy.

Again, I'm sorry, because I know how much it hurts - how disappointed you feel - and I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better. Just know that this is the worst of it, and that your anger and hurt will fade. Thanks for sharing that with us - it brought back all sorts of old feelings in me.

 

[Endlessly]

Eeep.. Laurel, I feel like I should apologize for bringing up those old feelings then. *LOL*

You're right though.. My mother is kind and wise and loving, but more than that, she's infalliable. All mothers are, in the eyes of their children. And this pisses me off.. And I'm not sure which is worse, the fact I was wrong about my mother being the saint-- or the fact I was wrong about my father being the devil. Doh. (Not that this makes him sweetness and light in my book.)

Gatherer-- it's not as bad as it used to be; when one of my sisters was living here, she called my mother on it and damned near ruined us when she started talking about it to my mother's employees.. And the rumours went out-of-control.

And as far as you and slutbaby's suggestions to take care of myself or move out.. I've been looking out for myself far too long now. I'm probably one of the most self-absorbed people you'll ever meet, actually. When I said my mom and I were close, that was probably an understatement. Maybe I don't share much with her.. But more than her being one of my best friends, I AM her best friend. When I went off to college, she landed herself in a sort of ENS funk that had me running home on a regular basis. I'll be going back to college at the end of this month, and then it will no longer be my problem, right?

I mean, she'll go back to gambling twice as much because I'm not around, but since I'm four hours away, it's best I squander the little money we have left on an education so I can run off and be a flight attendant to support my poetry habit.. You know, take care of myself. *shaking my head* Oi.

I think my mother had the right idea when she went upstairs to sleep it off.

 

[Nicole]

Endlessly we don't have alot to do with each other, and I have no clue what to say to you, because there has never been addiction of any sort in our house. But I would like to say that I feel for you, and I do hope that this doesn't wreck the beauitful friendship that you have with your mother. I wish that I was that close to my mother at times.

You are in my thoughts and I wish you a Big Good Luck.

And Deb you sound like you know what your talking about with all this. So you too are in my thoughts.

 

[Gingersnap]

It stinks that you have to deal with problem. Addiction is fucking hell for the anyone who lives with it. Deb gives you good advice. Don't let her destroy your life too. You might want to sit down and write down the impact this had on your life. Then call GA and ask for help. Your mother has already distorted your life with her addictions. My sincere advice to you is that you stay away from the casino and drinking too. Your college should have some resources too. I will be glad to talk with you at any time. I have email @ lit. I will help you in any way I can. God Bless you darling.

 

[CreamyLady]

Your mother is a human being. She is fallible, and imperfect, and more than capable of making some horrendous errors in judgment. She may also be self-destructive.

However, that in no way diminishes her love for you or her caring for you.

The booze does godawful things to a person; any addiction does, including gambling. You saw both in control of your mother tonight.

I can't tell you how to feel; this is something you have to work through on your own. My own mother is an alcoholic; I can't tell you what I went through. She basically served me up to my father.

What I can tell you, though, is that underneath it all -- the part of you that is your mother, that gave birth to you and raised you and defended you -- she loves you. Love that part of her, and distance yourself from the rest.

Love and mother yourself, and pray and nag your mother into some kind of rehab.

Good luck, and Goddess bless you, hon.

 

[Weird Harold]

I don't know why I'm saying all of this. I am incensed, I am grieving and I'm looking for advice. I don't even know where to start..

The place for you to start is a support group for family of addicts. (Alanon?)

Being a reformed lush myself, and having an ex-wife who "has a drinking problem" as well as a gambling problem, I know that there's nothing you can do to change your mother's situation except refuse to be an "enabler." It seems that your father is an "enabler" because he gives in to her addiction and makes exceptions for her. If you fall into the same pattern, your mother will never admit that she has a problem.

It sounds cruel, but the only way you can help your mother, is to refuse to allow her to avoid the fact that she has a problem. Covering up the problems, and letting her believe that "only once a month", (or whatever her pattern is,) is not a problem, will only let her continue to be blind to her problem.

You need to learn from others who share the trials of living with an addict all of the various ways you can cope with your mother's gambling and drinking. The principles are the same for almost any addiction, so a support group for family of alcoholics would be better than nothing if there's no support group for family memebers of compulsive gamblers.

Call the public relations department of the casino. I'm not sure that it's a Nevada law, or a Federal Regulation, but the casinos here are required to have information and help for problem gamblers.

I wish the best of luck in dealing with this. My Email is available through the link below, in my BB profile, or member's profile. Feel free to write any time you need to redirect some of your anger. I promise I won't take it personally.

 

[Sammyjo]

Oh this is not good at all.

*hugs you tight*

My father is not a gambler, but a compulsive spender. They filed bankruptcy a few years back. They had credit cards up the wazoo...and they were all maxed out.

Once I realized that it was HIS spending rather than "all the kids to support" that caused all our problems, I was devastated, embarrassed. I could not believe that he would put his family at risk like that.

They went through years of struggling. Trying to make ends meet, trying to pay off everyday bills. I would sit and wonder HOW? How can they be struggling to pay a mortgage and utilities? How can a two income household (with now three children, as I was now supporting myself and my daughter) NOT make ends meet? It was insane. I would look at their paychecks, look at the bills. Something was not adding up.

It was happening again. The compulsive spending. Buying junk that we would never use. I'm sure some, if not all of it is still sitting around in boxes somewhere.

Now what scares me is that he has credit cards. I'm worried that it's going to happen all over again. See, the credit card thing was MY idea. WHY you ask? They needed some large appliances replaced, new fridge, new stove...they still don't have these, and haven't even gone to look, much less buy...but the cards were maxed again. UGH!!!

Then, they wanted to know why they were turned down for a Sears card. So, they requested a credit report. GOOD GOD!!! I looked at it and almost fell out of my chair.

I guess I have no advice, or words of wisdom. You will always love your parents. But before anything, you need to help yourself through it. Get some counseling...then maybe work on your dad. He's a classic enabler, just like my mom is. Once they realize how to help themselves, things start to change...or so I'm told. I've been trying to get through to my mom for years. It takes a while, but I think once that credit report came, and I explained it to her, she started to see a pattern.

And one more thing:

Ugh!!! Stop being like me!!! You copy me cuz I'm awesome, I know it. hahaha...only kidding...but you know I'll be here if you need me. You have helped me a lot, and I still have to respond to that e-mail of yours...haven't the strength yet...I want to do anything I can to help you. I wish I could just swoop in and take you away from it all.

 

[Cheyenne]

your faith?

I feel very lucky after reading all the posts above. I had a normal, happy childhood with parents who loved me and worked hard to help me grow up a good person. We never had a lot of money, but I never realized we were "poor" until after I was an adult and could look back. So, I have no frame of reference to offer advice in your situation. Except that you seem to be a religious person yourself, with strong faith. Maybe a little confused about it at times, but that is normal, too. I read through the above suggestions for you quickly, but they all seem to make sense to me. The one that may be missing is going to your church for help. What about a minister? Is there one that you trust enough to tell the whole story to? If you ever needed the support of the church before, you need it now. Not instead of all of the other suggetions above, but in addition to them.

 

[Mortto56]

Hi Endlessly!....I'm sorry to hear about your family....I have a similar situation in my life.My mother-in-law.10 years ago,she was in the church,and all happy with life.Then my wife bought her a instant lottery ticket,for her birthday that year,not thinking that it would hurt."WRONG!!"..Well right after that,my father-in-law got sick,and was bedridden.She took care of him for 8 years.But in the meantime,she quit going to church,and started going to the casinos with my wife about once a week,thinking she was going to hit it rich....Well my father-in-law died 2 years ago,and since then she goes all the time now.She gets here SS check the first of the month,and her and my brother-in-law,and sometimes my wife head off to the casino.Well their money is gone by the 2nd week of the month,and then they want to borrow money from me.My wife and I then get in arguments over it,because she wants to give her mom the money & I don't....But what Deb said is really true.Love the good parts of you mom,and try to understand the bad.I'm not saying you have to like it,just try to understand it....I have one idea you might try.I was drinking pretty heavy for about 15 years,and I would come home all fucked up,and getting loud,and just being an ASSHOLE.My wife borrowed a Camcorder,and taped me one night when I was being a jerk,and played it back the next day.Boy was I shocked by what I saw.Well I did quit drinking for 2 years.I have a couple of beers now & then,but nothing like I use to.(the hangovers hurt more than they use too.)Well I've bambled on long enough.Good Luck!!

 

[Deborah]

Endlessly, you got lots of what appears to be good advice to me so I won't offer any. I must say you got your head on pretty damn straight for one so young. Wish I was so wise at your age. You go girl!

And quit yer whining about not getting laid. Hey, you got $200. Start paying guys. Works for me. Hey, slut_boy, the checks in the mail!

 

[Gaucho]

Endlessly, you got lots of what appears to be good advice to me so I won't offer any. I must say you got your head on pretty damn straight for one so young. Wish I was so wise at your age. You go girl!

For once, Deborah, we're in complete agreement.

E - As someone who lost a sister several years ago to the joys of alcoholism (she was also a manic-depressive to boot), I can emphathize at least a little with what you are going through. It's a little like living with a ticking time bomb that can go off at any time. And no matter how you piece it back together afterwards, all it does is start ticking again. Like it or not, it colors everything about them. All the good they have done for you in the past (and may still do when not under the influence) gets weighed against the damage they inflict when they go ballistic.

The older I get and the more I interact with others (especially on the net), the more I realize that we're all damaged goods; broken in some way by the trials of life. I think it's one of the reasons why we are drawn to others and why even on a site like this one, a porn site dedicated to the pleasures of the erotic, we can find comfort and solace enough to help us deal and keep going.

Not to mix threads or anything, but I don't think we need to start up a new therapy site (sexual or otherwise). I think we've got a pretty good one going right here already.

 

[Deb]

Ouch...

Gatherer-- it's not as bad as it used to be; when one of my sisters was living here, she called my mother on it and damned near ruined us when she started talking about it to my mother's employees.. And the rumours went out-of-control.

You may not like this one, Endlessly, but it wasn't your sister who almost ruined you. It was a courageous thing for her to try to do something to stop the deception and force your mother into getting some help.

 

[Endlessly]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for the great advice.. my mother woke me up at 7 AM (the temperature in my room was already about 90, during the day it gets up in the low hundreds, and in this room where the comp is it's usually over 110) to drag me to her waterbed and let me finish sleeping in her cooler room next to the swamp cooler. I think she felt a little guilty about last night.

Go to my church.. THERE's a tricky suggestion. As I stated before, my father's a (lush) deacon, and I'm (a manic-depressive) the one every mother tells their daughter she should be like. If I start dragging out skeletons, I'm not sure where they're going to end.

A problem with the meetings: I have no vehicle. "Hey mom, would you drive me to an alateen meeting so I can learn to cope with your gambling problem?" *L*

And Sammykins.. You just think I'm copying you because you're older. I figured as much about the E-mail, and that's all right.. I can wait. *hugs*

 

[Deb]

Your sense of humor...

will get you far. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and a better than average grasp of not only the immediate problem, but all the ramifications for your life.

 

[Patryn]

I understand more than you know. My own mother was agorophobic for 9 years, which means she was a shut in. When she finally got help for that, she went wild. I mean, just like a teenager. She can't "hold her liquor" and doesn't know when she's drunk. I had to watch her very lewdly hit on a guy when I was 14 on a camping trip, then she promptly tried to "take us away from all that" by shoving me in the lake (I can't swim). About 6 months after that, she went on ANOTHER drinking binge, this time laying in the road and ending up in the mental ward. Guess who had to go get her. Yep, I had to go with my grandparents. The whole way home, she told me I didn't want anything but her money and it was MY fault she ended up like that. Then she got abusive, landing me in the hospital once.

I can understand because, for 14 years, my mom had always loved and supported me and always tried her best to make sure I had the things I needed. We were poor, but she would sacrifice things for her for school supplies for me, etc. My father left when I was 11, and that's when the trouble started, now that I look back on it. It just didn't get that bad at first.

I finally realized that SHE was the one with the problem, not me. She just couldn't handle it, so she blamed everyone she could. Same for you, Endlessly, hon...SHE is the one with the problem, not you. I know it becomes your problem, but you need to accept that, even though you won't like it, and work on yourself. If you need to talk, my e-mailbox is always open. patryn@literotica.org

 

[CreamyLady]

Endlessly, about getting to the meetings -- call the local chapter and explain your difficulty. Chances are, there are ways you can carpool with someone; no one wants to leave you isolated.

As for the church, well, usually anything you say in confidence to a minister or counselor is kept in confidence. It should not be fodder for gossip.

You are tough, and smart, and have a great sense of humor. Love your parents, and save yourself.

 

[Randyrandy]

I am so sorry ENDLESSLY. I can't help you much, would a pat on the back and a hug help. Talk to the people whom you know and maybe they can help you, thats what friends are for. I sure wish I could help more, keep your chin up and take care of your self. LOL.