Fetlife?

[Sebastian_Plz]

Kinda late to the threat, but IMO, Fet and Lit are completely different social sites.

Fetlife is straight up Myspace (before it was revamped w/musical emphasis). It is A LOT of pics, groups, and events, but with little to none oversight whatsoever. Multiple groups reign supreme despite being the exact same thread/topic/interest. Searches for locals can be freaking insane to sort through, and even then you get a lot of repeated links. Events, which someone already mentioned, is probably the only viable reason to frequent/visit the site. I have been to a few and they are indeed legit BUT at the same time, they can be quite dicey. I'm a dude, in shape, able to take care of myself, etc, but even I felt uncomfortable in some of the settings. For every legitimate BDSM (esp D/s) practitioner, there are about 50x others who claim to be but are straight up liars/cons. Most of the dudes are inexperience and looking for a quick (and often abusive NOT dominant) lay. And even those who are just seeking friends are often being played for some nefarious reason.

Case in point, met up with a guy to simply workout, we're talking going for a run. I figured it would be a new friend, we had similar interests and since he was on the site for a bit, I would be able to learn more about the locals in the area. I told him I was straight, not looking for a hookup, that I was seriously just doing a platonic workout and wanted to chat. Turns out the dude was gay, well actually Bi, and was trying to sway me the entire run to go back to his place. Guy got the bright idea that maybe being aggressive around me (physically grabbing me) would be a good way to 'play.' After tossing him on the ground and nearly breaking his arm, he backed off and ran off in the opposite direction. I never heard from him again on the site. Apparently that's his MO as I found from a few other female members. Kinda disappointing and scary in retrospect. If I was a female, that would have been a diff situation entirely. Or even a male who simply didn't know how to respond. Oh and all of this was done even with safety in mind - never shared personal details, info, had friends know where I was, and had a phone on me.

Lit seems more about the actual 'art' of things sexual. Folks can link up online and in real time but seems here, things are harder to fake. I think b/c it is moderated by members of the site (or at least organized from the top-down that is versus Fet's bottom-up (ba-zing!) approach). I wish the BDSM had local events, but really, that's about the only thing Fet is really work checking out. But again, users beware. Safety first. Seriously, watch your back and if the dude (or gal for that matter) is not being cautious about protocols and security, its a tell-tale sign you are with a newb/fake who is just looking for someone to abuse, not dominate.

Just my thoughts....I could be the exception to the case. But make your own opinion on the information you can find and should you use the site, again, just be safe and make smart decisions. If something seems too good to be true, it is.

 

[Ahlam]

Case in point, met up with a guy to simply workout, we're talking going for a run. I figured it would be a new friend, we had similar interests and since he was on the site for a bit, I would be able to learn more about the locals in the area. I told him I was straight, not looking for a hookup, that I was seriously just doing a platonic workout and wanted to chat. Turns out the dude was gay, well actually Bi, and was trying to sway me the entire run to go back to his place. Guy got the bright idea that maybe being aggressive around me (physically grabbing me) would be a good way to 'play.' After tossing him on the ground and nearly breaking his arm, he backed off and ran off in the opposite direction. I never heard from him again on the site. Apparently that's his MO as I found from a few other female members. Kinda disappointing and scary in retrospect. If I was a female, that would have been a diff situation entirely. Or even a male who simply didn't know how to respond. Oh and all of this was done even with safety in mind - never shared personal details, info, had friends know where I was, and had a phone on me.

This is a scary story, Sebastian_Plz! Good thing you were unhurt. It sounds almost worthy of a police report.

 

[Sebastian_Plz]

This is a scary story, Sebastian_Plz! Good thing you were unhurt. It sounds almost worthy of a police report.

Nah, not really necessary. Esp since it was 'resolved' and nothing bad, at least on my end, fortunately occurred. It could be argued that at least filing a report would help authorities identify a potential sexual aggressor, but since that whole situation began consensually and nothing happened to either party, I did not see the point. To further complicate the matter though, as I mentioned in my first post, I did not provide the dude with my contact info nor did I recieve any of his. So itwould really just be reporting an AV handle with a policeman reporting that they'll keep any eye out, but in the interim to simply do what I already recommended: be smart and be safe on your own. Again, if the guy/gal is not offering any sort of security, safe-words, or allowing for the safety of all parties to prevail (nor is willing to do anything to support those) well, that's a huge red flag. But again, to each their own.

This is not to say Fetlife is full of these types of people. That was just an occurrence that I experienced. The same thing could have happened on an ordinary 'date' or any time I am out running (although if you saw my build I would seriously doubt it)...never really know who the person you are meeting when mixing online with real world. Moral of the story is just to be safe.

 

[Pachet]

It's a good site. Gotta watch out for fakes, but that's the same as anywhere. Honestly I think it's a pretty good tool for meeting others into what you're into.

 

[ChastitySmith]

We'd been members for about two years, although not seriously looking for real time meets. But after we'd joined a few groups made up mostly of people in our state, and posting in them, we made a connection to a loosely organized real time group of great (S&M) people. One of those things where everything just fell into place, perfectly.

 

[oddity83]

Been on there for awhile, decent sight, loads of groups and such to browse.

 

[Cindy_Trevor]

I recently joined, as well. I was very surprised to find munches within 15 miles of my fairly small town. And no, I have not attended one as yet.

 

[satindesire]

to differentiate fakes from real doms. If I meet someone online I fancy, I always suggest that we meet in public first. And suggest that she arranges for a friend to call her mobile maybe half-an-hour after we're due to meet, to ensure that she feels secure.

If she agrees to come back to my place subsequently, I tell her exactly what she can expect from me. And give her my full postal address and landline number. so she can check that I am who I say I am.

And insist that she sets up a safecall from a friend, just as when we met in public.

If a man refuses to give you such security, stay well away, he's trouble. It's YOUR safety. I'm a feminist dom, not a misogynist or rapist thug.

Have babies with me!

 

[night&day]

English Sub..

message me as I need to chat with you and catch up. I see that the Scotsman story was a real one about you and he. The encounter that you sent me pictures from. It had all the most delicious elements!

 

[SirenSweet]

I've been a member of FL on and off for a year or so. I enjoy reading the forums (though there is lots of repetition). I think it's interesting for conversation but I doubt I'd be brave enough to meet anyone. It's very difficult for a woman into rough sex, rape play, being submissive, etc. to meet someone and put themselves into a very vulnerable position with a stranger. I can't see ever having a hook up. That said, I've met some very entertaining conversationalists there. I'm Secret_Slut69 if anyone wants to connect.

 

[Primalex]

to differentiate fakes from real doms. If I meet someone online I fancy, I always suggest that we meet in public first. And suggest that she arranges for a friend to call her mobile maybe half-an-hour after we're due to meet, to ensure that she feels secure.

Smart.

This way the call is completely useless. As you know there is going to be a call, you just have to wait for it, before getting all touchy-feely-creepy.

 

[unicorn64]

I joined Fetlife and met one man. Two others contacted me but were from out of country so didn't go far. Followed my intuition and went slow in the meeting. He's not a Dom just has a couple of fetishes and very much vanilla. But a pretty nice guy. I have met several nice guys on Lit but will most probably never actually meet them. Site is hard to figure out at first but not bad. I do spend more time here at Lit than there though. Course I like the stories here. I have been exploring my own sexuality and I think its the same as any site. You have to be careful. If you meet someone from a tech site and are not careful you could be in trouble too.

 

[RedguyTx]

I'm a recent Fetlifer. I found a group first, then went to their Fetlife group. Then to a munch, which is a local vanilla gathering/meet & greet at a restaurant.
I'm enjoying the groups, the people, and the photos & videos.
I LOVE the chat, BB, and stories here at Lit.
J

 

[rexhame317]

I have been on Fet for about a year and a half. Started joining groups and going to munches and events. Have met some great people in RL, and have a few online friends. It is great to check out people with similar kinks and such. And no judgement because you like certain things.

As far as fakes/posers...I have been on dating/social sites also and they are everywhere.

 

[Kim_Burly]

Would Fet be a good place to just have conversations about techniques, what works and what doesn't? As a sub to my Fiancé and a Domme just finding her wings, I like to talk about the nut and bolts od S&M, but this doesn't seem to be the place to do that. Sir will only let me do one forum at a time, so if I go to Fet, I am done here. No great loss to Lit or me, but I do feel a strange attachment to this place, it must be my masochist side .

 

[Scotsman69]

Maybe that's how you behave Primalex.

But I don't. I don't do creepy. I don't need to, perhaps unlike yourself? There is only one way in BDSM, and that's complete honesty and openness.

Smart.

This way the call is completely useless. As you know there is going to be a call, you just have to wait for it, before getting all touchy-feely-creepy.

 

[CutieMouse]

Smart.

This way the call is completely useless. As you know there is going to be a call, you just have to wait for it, before getting all touchy-feely-creepy.

But I don't. I don't do creepy. I don't need to, perhaps unlike yourself? There is only one way in BDSM, and that's complete honesty and openness.

Actually, I'm kinda with Primalex on the safe call thing... A "safe call" is great, in theory, but (IMO) far too many new pyl's seem to give safe calls more weight than they deserve.

Yes, give date (time, place, etc) information to a trusted friend when meeting someone online. Yes, if you're concerned something may go wrong, set up a call or code word. But recognize that neither of those things mean jack, if something goes wrong.

People can "get creepy" after a safe call is made. People can give false information (online). People can swear they'll respect safe words... Right up until they don't.

Ultimately, I am responsible for the situations I put myself in. If I'm uncomfortable enough to need a "omg this is where I am/ who I'm with if something goes wrong" backup plan... For me, personally, that is a sign I have no business meeting that person in the first place.

Of course, I'm also the sort who really means coffee, when I suggest we meet for coffee.

 

[Scotsman69]

I understand what you're saying CutieMouse...

and perhaps things work differently here in the UK. I give any sub I'm going to meet for the first time my full name, postal address, postcode, and landline number. That of course doesn't stop me from abusing her in ways she isn't looking for if/when she comes back to my place.

But if she checks me out online beforehand, and they always do, she can see that I'm on the electoral register, am listed in the phone book, and am generally who I say I am.

I know I'm not a dangerous rapist or misogynist. She can't know that till she's met and learned that she can trust me to not take her anywhere she doesn't want to go. And they do always learn that, because I am who I say I am; a caring dom.

But at least she has the security of knowing beforehand, that if anything untoward happens to her, she has a record of who and where I am, and can involve the police etc if anything goes wrong. Therefore, I'm most unlikely to do anything she doesn't wish me to. It's not infallible of course; I could still be a psychopath... But she knows the odds are heavily against anything going badly wrong.

So it's an essential component in building trust with someone you're never before met.

And a coded safecall means that if she suggests a hint of uneasiness to her friend who is calling her; or if she doesn't answer the call, her friend has my full details to give to the police immediately. (Ant that of course means I have to trust both the woman and her safecall friend, so the trust-building goes both ways.)

Nope, it's not foolproof. But it's a hell of a lot more security than having no information about me before she meets me.

If anyone, dom or sub, can suggest any better way to provide the possible sub with more security, I would be genuinely interested in knowing it. Safe, sane and consensual it must always be.

Scotsman69

Scotsman69

Actually, I'm kinda with Primalex on the safe call thing... A "safe call" is great, in theory, but (IMO) far too many new pyl's seem to give safe calls more weight than they deserve.

Yes, give date (time, place, etc) information to a trusted friend when meeting someone online. Yes, if you're concerned something may go wrong, set up a call or code word. But recognize that neither of those things mean jack, if something goes wrong.

People can "get creepy" after a safe call is made. People can give false information (online). People can swear they'll respect safe words... Right up until they don't.

Ultimately, I am responsible for the situations I put myself in. If I'm uncomfortable enough to need a "omg this is where I am/ who I'm with if something goes wrong" backup plan... For me, personally, that is a sign I have no business meeting that person in the first place.

Of course, I'm also the sort who really means coffee, when I suggest we meet for coffee.

 

[CutieMouse]

That's generally how things are recommended to work in the US, as well. However, you just agreed with my point - all the information is only really useful if/when something goes wrong. Someone can give me all their information and I can thoroughly "investigate" them, but the "just in case" element is really only useful after the fact.

Meet on public.
Know (and enforce) your boundaries.
Get to know someone *before* putting yourself in a vulnerable position (Dom & sub alike).
Get references (if that's your thing), but take them with a grain of salt.

and perhaps things work differently here in the UK. I give any sub I'm going to meet for the first time my full name, postal address, postcode, and landline number. That of course doesn't stop me from abusing her in ways she isn't looking for if/when she comes back to my place.

But if she checks me out online beforehand, and they always do, she can see that I'm on the electoral register, am listed in the phone book, and am generally who I say I am.

I know I'm not a dangerous rapist or misogynist. She can't know that till she's met and learned that she can trust me to not take her anywhere she doesn't want to go. And they do always learn that, because I am who I say I am; a caring dom.

But at least she has the security of knowing beforehand, that if anything untoward happens to her, she has a record of who and where I am, and can involve the police etc if anything goes wrong. Therefore, I'm most unlikely to do anything she doesn't wish me to. It's not infallible of course; I could still be a psychopath... But she knows the odds are heavily against anything going badly wrong.

So it's an essential component in building trust with someone you're never before met.

And a coded safecall means that if she suggests a hint of uneasiness to her friend who is calling her; or if she doesn't answer the call, her friend has my full details to give to the police immediately. (Ant that of course means I have to trust both the woman and her safecall friend, so the trust-building goes both ways.)

Nope, it's not foolproof. But it's a hell of a lot more security than having no information about me before she meets me.

If anyone, dom or sub, can suggest any better way to provide the possible sub with more security, I would be genuinely interested in knowing it. Safe, sane and consensual it must always be.

Scotsman69

Scotsman69

 

[Scotsman69]

If you meet someone from online...

... there's always an element of risk.

But if you meet them at a bar/club/party, the same applies.

All one can do as a dom is try to provide the potential sub with as much security as possible. That's my aim.

Take care x

That's generally how things are recommended to work in the US, as well. However, you just agreed with my point - all the information is only really useful if/when something goes wrong. Someone can give me all their information and I can thoroughly "investigate" them, but the "just in case" element is really only useful after the fact.

Meet on public.
Know (and enforce) your boundaries.
Get to know someone *before* putting yourself in a vulnerable position (Dom & sub alike).
Get references (if that's your thing), but take them with a grain of salt.

 

[Chaoskitten13]

Just joined

I just joined myself and found a local munch group that meets at a restaurant in my city. I am looking forward to going this weekend.