Female character with problems keeping a lover

[sunandshadow]

I have an idea for a character who has no problem attracting a boyfriend, but has never made it to two years with one without being cheated on or left for another woman. She's moderately attractive (maybe a 7/10) and nice. Not crazy or bitchy. She likes sex; is not frigid or conservative. So what might there be about this woman that guys get bored with or find less interesting/compelling than other women?

My initial idea is that she's neither particularly aggressive/domme-ish nor particularly submissive or ultra-feminine. Would that be enough to make her boring over the long run to most men, or would it be implausible as a reason?

 

[LadyVer]

I have an idea for a character who has no problem attracting a boyfriend, but has never made it to two years with one without being cheated on of left for another woman. She's moderately attractive (maybe a 7/10) and nice. Not crazy or bitchy. She likes sex; is not frigid or conservative. So what might there be about this woman that guys get bored with or find less interesting/compelling than other women?

My initial idea is that she's neither particularly aggressive/domme-ish nor particularly submissive or ultra-feminine. Would that be enough to make her boring over the long run to most men, or would it be implausible as a reason?

No. It's the guys she's meeting. Unless you can come up with a better reason. The character you describe sounds normal, although that is a relative term. Maybe she wants a commitment, and the guys don't want to commit...

 

[slyc_willie]

A woman always ready and eager for sex is often fantasized about, but relationships with them rarely last. There's this innate desire within men to "convince" women to have sex. It can take the form of quiet seduction, a slow, charming insistence, on up to full-blown coercion and force. Whatever the mode, many men like that feeling of "hunting" a woman and wearing her defenses down to the point where she gives in.

If she takes that away by being always ready and willing, over time many men lose interest. What good is it to hunt a deer that stands still and waits for you to shoot it?

Women who like, want, and enjoy sex are often considered cheap and easy. "She never tells me no," a guy thinks. "Who else does she never say no to?"

It's a weird dichotomy that many men desire a woman who wants sex, but then, when they have her, they grow suspicious or bored.

ETA: not that I automatically assumed your female character was necessarily like this, but it's a possibility.

 

[HeyAll]

How about she has a perfectionist mother, and this character is also a perfectionist. She takes the time to make sure everything is flawless, gets straight A's, never gets into trouble, ect...

That's a turn-off for a lot of guys if the girl is always so picky and demanding, even if it's in a very nice way.

 

[LadyVer]

A woman always ready and eager for sex is often fantasized about, but relationships with them rarely last. There's this innate desire within men to "convince" women to have sex. It can take the form of quiet seduction, a slow, charming insistence, on up to full-blown coercion and force. Whatever the mode, many men like that feeling of "hunting" a woman and wearing her defenses down to the point where she gives in.

If she takes that away by being always ready and willing, over time many men lose interest. What good is it to hunt a deer that stands still and waits for you to shoot it?

Women who like, want, and enjoy sex are often considered cheap and easy. "She never tells me no," a guy thinks. "Who else does she never say no to?"

It's a weird dichotomy that many men desire a woman who wants sex, but then, when they have her, they grow suspicious or bored.

ETA: not that I automatically assumed your female character was necessarily like this, but it's a possibility.

I hear what you're saying, but my last bf thought I was cheating on him when I wasn't, and he got it from me whenever he wanted. I think he was paranoid though. Maybe he was cheating on me. Who knows. People are fricking weird...

 

[slyc_willie]

I hear what you're saying, but my last bf thought I was cheating on him when I wasn't, and he got it from me whenever he wanted. I think he was paranoid though. Maybe he was cheating on me. Who knows. People are fricking weird...

I think it's been popularly said that an accusation of cheating is the same as a confession of cheating, especially among men. In other words, he's cheating on you, so it only makes sense that you'd cheat on him. It could also be an avoidance tactic, borne of guilt. Shift the blame to you, so you won't think he's really the one cheating.

Stupid logic, of course, but it continues to be used over and over and over again.

 

[sr71plt]

I agree that the natural approach would be on where she's shopping for male companionship and what she thinks she's shopping for.

 

[LadyVer]

I think it's been popularly said that an accusation of cheating is the same as a confession of cheating, especially among men. In other words, he's cheating on you, so it only makes sense that you'd cheat on him. It could also be an avoidance tactic, borne of guilt. Shift the blame to you, so you won't think he's really the one cheating.

Stupid logic, of course, but it continues to be used over and over and over again.

I find it a strange rationalization, but like you said, it's not new. I've heard of women.doing this as well.

 

[sunandshadow]

She is not a perfectionist but does want commitment - she wants children, and a marriage to have them within, and the man making a steady contribution to raising them in terms of both money and fatherly attention/care.

 

[LadyVer]

She is not a perfectionist but does want commitment - she wants children, and a marriage to have them within, and the man making a steady contribution to raising them in terms of both money and fatherly attention/care.

She could be looking in the wrong places?

 

[slyc_willie]

I find it a strange rationalization, but like you said, it's not new. I've heard of women.doing this as well.

Oh, absolutely. But I think men are more prone to behavior like that than women.

She is not a perfectionist but does want commitment - she wants children, and a marriage to have them within, and the man making a steady contribution to raising them in terms of both money and fatherly attention/care.

Now that introduces another spin. It could just be that her desire to be married and have children has turned off the men she has chosen in the past. There are a lot of men out there who want to settle down and raise a family. But there are also, of course, those who want to play the field as long as they can. Perhaps your protagonist has simply been unlucky in love, as it were, and has consistently -- for reasons no one knows -- dated men not ready or willing to settle down. And when that subject crops up, they get scared off.

 

[sr71plt]

Her timing may be way off too in what she tells a man she's looking for.

 

[sunandshadow]

She could be looking in the wrong places?

It's probably people she met through work, not bar pick-ups or at the other extreme people she was introduced to by a family member. But this is one of the parts I could adjust to make it make more sense. Maybe if she worked with athletes or bands and thus was dating mainly semi-famous people, that would have a higher than usual percentage of guys not interested in commitment?

 

[sunandshadow]

Her timing may be way off too in what she tells a man she's looking for.

Example? I was imagining she mentioned wanting kids somewhere between 3 and 6 months into a relationship.

 

[Handley_Page]

Perhaps she's too 'clingy' ?
Demanding every moment of his attentions all the time, (and maybe thinking that sex is some sort of reward for him ?)
Not giving him a bit of space to do 'boy' things (Fishing, football, etc) ?

 

[sr71plt]

I think the classic case would be the woman who is willing to overlook what she sees as flaws in an available man because she "knows" she can redecorate him to her taste after they marry. And then guess what.

 

[LadyVer]

It's probably people she met through work, not bar pick-ups or at the other extreme people she was introduced to by a family member. But this is one of the parts I could adjust to make it make more sense. Maybe if she worked with athletes or bands and thus was dating mainly semi-famous people, that would have a higher than usual percentage of guys not interested in commitment?

I don't know. I think it's hard to meet anyone that's compatible and possibly long-term if one isn't involved in things that interest one, and/or works long hours without time for much else, or has a long commute, works at home, doesn't have a lot of money. There's all kind of mundane reasons that make it hard to meet people and meet those with common interests.

 

[LadyVer]

I think the classic case would be the woman who is willing to overlook what she sees as flaws in an available man because she "knows" she can redecorate him to her taste after they marry. And then guess what.

Men do that as well. Neither are happy when they see their partner fall off the pedastal they put them on.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Lotsa good ideas above.


The key to the mystery, in my opinion, is knowing what attracts her to particular kinds of guys. What floats her boat?

I had to learn the hard way to avoid and resist the kind of woman I'm most attracted to. Because theyre the kiss of death. I can spot one of them blocks away, and they recognize me, too. These women are always attractive, smart, hard-working, principled, and decent people. But their Achilles heel is ambition; every last one of them is hot to do better, and clueless when theyre better-off with what they got. They'll never experience contentment.

I'm Dependable, Reliable, and Loyal to a fault. And plenty of fun while a gal is looking for Mister Right. Once I figgered it out, I stopped playing with ambitious girls, and married one like me.

 

[sunandshadow]

Lotsa good ideas above.


The key to the mystery, in my opinion, is knowing what attracts her to particular kinds of guys. What floats her boat?

I had to learn the hard way to avoid and resist the kind of woman I'm most attracted to. Because theyre the kiss of death. I can spot one of them blocks away, and they recognize me, too. These women are always attractive, smart, hard-working, principled, and decent people. But their Achilles heel is ambition; every last one of them is hot to do better, and clueless when theyre better-off with what they got. They'll never experience contentment.

I'm Dependable, Reliable, and Loyal to a fault. And plenty of fun while a gal is looking for Mister Right. Once I figgered it out, I stopped playing with ambitious girls, and married one like me.

Hmm. Her taste isn't quite the same as mine, so what would she pick... Guys who smile a lot, give compliments, and seem playful. Yeah, now that I think about it, those are probably the kind of guys who have confidence due to having sexual success with women before her. A guy who knows there are half a dozen women in town willing to sleep with him for an evening worth of acting charming. A guy in that position wouldn't have much reason to want to settle down.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Hmm. Her taste isn't quite the same as mine, so what would she pick... Guys who smile a lot, give compliments, and seem playful. Yeah, now that I think about it, those are probably the kind of guys who have confidence due to having sexual success with women before her. A guy who knows there are half a dozen women in town willing to sleep with him for an evening worth of acting charming. A guy in that position wouldn't have much reason to want to settle down.

Good insight. Guys who haven't yet made the transition from youth to maturity.

 

[CWatson]

I have an idea for a character who has no problem attracting a boyfriend, but has never made it to two years with one without being cheated on or left for another woman. She's moderately attractive (maybe a 7/10) and nice. Not crazy or bitchy. She likes sex; is not frigid or conservative. So what might there be about this woman that guys get bored with or find less interesting/compelling than other women?

My initial idea is that she's neither particularly aggressive/domme-ish nor particularly submissive or ultra-feminine. Would that be enough to make her boring over the long run to most men, or would it be implausible as a reason?

I can only speak for myself, but that particular trait sounds perfect. Of course, I'm so not-into BDSM it's not even funny.

She sounds a bit bland. Guys want some spice somewhere, so her boyfriends find someone who's similar to her but +2 in some category--redder hair, more sporty, higher salary, more interested in travel, whatever it is that floats his boat--and cheat with those women, or leave her for them in a slightly more aboveboard fashion. For extra irony, some of them come back and thank her for helping them find the woman they married, and genuinely mean it: she helped them figure out what they want and don't want in a woman by being 90% of the way there.

Other than that, I have to agree with SR71 and JBJ. People are settling down later and later these days. In the past, you spent your 20s finding someone to marry; nowadays you spend your 20s living up and defer the search to your 30s. And the key to this character of yours is in how she's subconsciously shooting herself in the foot. All her boyfriends have some traits in common, because that's what she's looking for... but one or more of those traits she actually doesn't like, without realizing it. All her exes are 90% of the way there too, and once she finds the one guy who breaks the mold by not having whatever-trait-she-thinks-she-likes-but-actually-ruins-the-relationships, she's set for life.

 

[sr71plt]

Men do that as well. Neither are happy when they see their partner fall off the pedastal they put them on.

Oh, I don't think that many men go into a long-term relationship or marriage with the determination to change specific traits of the woman. Primarily because I don't think they think that deeply on what the woman has to be to satisfy them--and to the extent they do think about this, I don't think they are as focused on what that needs to be. I think it's more surface aspects or ones they haven't taken the time/effort to analyze that motivate either a "yes" or a "no" in going into a more serious relationship. And I think the man's perceived needs are more basic than the woman's are. Generally, across the set.

 

[LadyVer]

Oh, I don't think that many men go into a long-term relationship or marriage with the determination to change specific traits of the woman. Primarily because I don't think they think that deeply on what the woman has to be to satisfy them--and to the extent they do think about this, I don't think they are as focused on what that needs to be. I think it's more surface aspects or ones they haven't taken the time/effort to analyze that motivate either a "yes" or a "no" in going into a more serious relationship. And I think the man's perceived needs are more basic than the woman's are. Generally, across the set.

I don't know, Sr. I'm no expert on relationships, but I think if both men and women thought more deeply about their partners and marriage before they married, there would be fewer divorces and fewer happlily married but sexually unsatisfied marrieds or sexually satisfied but unhappily marrieds. Marriage should come with a mandatory course on human relations and communication with the course certificate stating that there are no guarantees, proceed at your own risk.

 

[sr71plt]

Well, yes, but I was speaking to what I thought is reality, not to anything you're bringing up now.

This happens to me so often on the boards--especially in discussing the general differences between men and women. I make a comment on what I think exists in reality, and posters suddenly start responding like I think that's the way it should be--or that I espouse the positions I point to as what I think is reality. These are two different things.

If this is yet another "discussion" going there, I'm out. My observation is that I think, in general, women overanalyze relationships and men underanalyze them--leading to problems on both ends.