Feeling used, abused or taken advantage of.....

[MissTaken]

There are stories and posts throughout our forum of Dominants and submissives who have had experiences in which they feel that they have been taken advantage of in the BDSM lifestyle.

Some of these posts have been my own.

I was reading threads tonight and began wondering, how many people have been taken advantage of by a Dom/me or sub with a hidden agenda AND were any of these people people who find that they are frequently misused by others, outside the lifestyle.

For me, I went through a period after my divorce wherein my self image was shattered by certain events and I was seeking acceptance and affection. As such, I was making a lot of bad choices and found myself repeatedly being misused not only by Dominants, but by "friends" on line and off, co workers, employees etc. There was a time in my life where I felt taken advantage of if a cashier short changed me and I didn't have the stamina to go in and rectify the error.

So, for me, I cannot identify the source of my chagrin as Dominants or submissives, but rather, PEOPLE who took advantage of me and I permitted it to happen. (Blaming myself or just stating fact? Doesn't matter.) I have made many changes in my life in the recent year and feel I have found my footing again. My psyche has rejuvenated and I believe that the pain I frequently found prior to this was part of the motivation to change and return to the person I was.

So, for you, I ask you to take a long look at your relationship history, in and out of the lifestyle and maybe you can find out for yourself, where the patterns lie. And if there are patterns, consider what you can do about it. We can never control how others are prone to treat us, but we can control how it impacts our life.

Just my wandering thoughts on this lovely Sunday evening.

 

[A Desert Rose]

... So, for you, I ask you to take a long look at your relationship history, in and out of the lifestyle and maybe you can find out for yourself, where the patterns lie. And if there are patterns, consider what you can do about it. We can never control how others are prone to treat us, but we can control how it impacts our life.

Just my wandering thoughts on this lovely Sunday evening.

And that's all that need be said... right there.

My philosophy: I rarely hold a grudge but... I don't go back for seconds.

 

[kitty4ever]

Re: Re: Feeling used, abused or taken advantage of.....

My philosophy: I rarely hold a grudge but... I don't go back for seconds.

I can hold a grudge for a while, depending on what happened and if the person ever apologized, truly apologized. Eventually, I am able to set things aside. But, it has to be something truly big for me to hold that grudge.

I found out on Friday that my ex got dumped by the girl he cheated on me with. She cheated on him, and is now marrying this guy. After /that/ happened, did I get an apology from him and admittance of guilt.

Eventually, someday, I will accept and forgive, but all I could feel on Friday was a wonderful gloating glee and thankfulness to karma. Yes, I do feel a huge grudge towards both of them, for she had said she was my friend. I had learned since things happened that she broke up with her ex when I introduced my ex to her, for she was intent on pursuing my ex. BUT, she was stringing her ex along with the idea that maybe she'd get back with him.

My ex cheated, and we know what all happened then.

I still refuse to speak to him. I am at a happy, level, content place in my life, and I don't want him in it anywhere.

But, it takes something this big for me to hold a grudge.

Now, back to the topic at hand, yes, when I was at a very low period of my life, years ago, I was taken advantage of by a few people. I was so beaten down that I couldn't confront others.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Hmmm....

One of my problems is oscillating between being too secretive and too forthcoming. If I go on a run of being secretive, I try to come out of it and then am burned by being too forthcoming. Probably because I have not practiced how to be forthcoming at the right time/occasion.

Another problem is not paying enough attention to people, so I re-adjust and end up paying TOO MUCH attention to someone. Almost smothering the relationship because I do not want to become distracted. I do not mean in a stalking sense but where we mutually lose perspective. Basically prematurely burning out a relationship because it was too intense. In these cases, one or both of us feel used and become resentful.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For me it is a karmic thing. I don't bother wasting too much time on thinking whether I have been taken advantage of or not, nor hold a grudge, nor wish the other person bad, but my philosophy is one where I believe in the karmic circle of life and that it is a step in both my and the other person's journey that is mostly unavoidable and has to be passed through. It doesn't mean I don't try and protect myself from such events, but I also do not turn against that person in a sense I will cut them out if they are in need of help or simply make overtures of friendship in the future. I have suffered for this from one particular Litster, but I do not find it within me to shun them or pretend they are a viper from hell.

While acknowledging it is a powerful counseling technique to help people recognise patterns in their lives which have made them vulnerable repeatedly in the same way, I also think it can be risky without guidance and understanding of the dynamics of the method, and over focused on, especially for people who are not necessarily in need of therapy, and thus out of fear can act in a way which then limits lives and experiences. For me I like to be open to life and people....if they prove to have a hidden agenda, that is then their problem, not mine, nor the next person I come into contact with. As with most things in life, I think it is all about balance and keeping things in perspective.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Re: Feeling used, abused or taken advantage of.....

I can hold a grudge for a while, depending on what happened and if the person ever apologized, truly apologized. Eventually, I am able to set things aside. But, it has to be something truly big for me to hold that grudge.

Depending on the sincerity, I can forgive most people for most things. Mainly because I would want to be forgiven myself.

But do I let myself be open again for the same kind of treatment from the same person? Almost never.

You have to have invested something in order to carry a grudge. Feelings that come from toting around that kind of weight are really not good for a person. It's counterproductive to moving ahead in life.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Re: Re: Feeling used, abused or taken advantage of.....

And that's all that need be said... right there.

My philosophy: I rarely hold a grudge but... I don't go back for seconds.

I can hold a grudge for a long time. If someone earns my trust and breaks it they will find it hard to regain it. If they break it again they will find they have made a bad mistake and will be constantly reminded of that. someone at work did this and they finally realized just how pissed i was at them when i told them cant you figure out the wmere site of you disgusts me. and that you should not try to talk to me again.

 

[Vixandra]

Most of my past relationships, I ended for one reason or another, lack of "true love" being a major reason. Sounds odd now but I knew I was waiting for something. Found it now and am glad I waited for it.
That said- I'm a vengefull person. As in screw over those I care for and I'll return the favor. Screw me over royally and I'll return it if I can, long as no one else gets hurt in the process.
Case- a former commander knew I hated where I was, hated my job, went home angry and was generally miserable. Promised she'd help me get out of that section and into another part of the hospital. I heard her, not two weeks later, laughing as she spoke with a nurse in her office about how I had no hope in hell of getting out of that damn clinic. I hate being doublecrossed. If fate offers me the chance to screw her career over without hurting a patient, I'll be more then happy to take that oportunity. I'm not hunting one out- that would be seeking revenge. If I get a chance to return the screwing over, I will. If not, okay, karma will deal with her eventually.
I got the hell out of her secton (Thank Goddess for First Shirts) and am happy as a clam where I am now.

It hurts when people abuse you, take advantage of you, say one thing and do another. But remember- Karma never stops keeping tabs and what they do will come back to them by three.
*hugs for everyone who needs them*