Feeling Low

[Calamity Jane]

Do you ever really need to talk, and the one person you want to talk to isn't online? I could call him at home, but I don't want to be a pain...

It's just been a long, bad day (week? life?) I was rude/pissy to him last night online, and I want to apologize... and i just want to talk to an adult after spending 12 hours in a car with my kids.

I left Illinois at 10 am to drive home, drop off my horse and one of my kids, immediately got in my car, and drove two hours to my mom's house... got here at 10pm. have to be up at 630 to drive an hour and a half to a funeral.... it's not looking like things are due to get less stressful either.

so... would you make the phone call and risk appearing to be a stalker, or would you let the apology and the need to talk just go until you saw the person online the next time?

 

[lavender]

 

[Mischka]

How well do you know this person? If you guys comfort each other, joke, laugh, etc. both on-line and on the phone, then I see no problem with calling him. It sounds like you need some comforting. If you rarely speak on the phone, then perhaps it may be ackward, and you wouldn't get the solace that you need right now.

 

[Cheyenne]

It is very late. There is only really one person in the world who calls me this late just to talk. Otherwise, if my phone rang it would be family calling to tell me of a death or bad accident or something.

Is this guy single, I assume? Do you normally call him late at night? If you have a pattern of calling whenever you need to, then call him. If not, I'd wait until the next time he is online.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

If you have the persons phone number for "more" than just the occasional phone sex including chitter chatter, then he is a friend and friends don't mind being there for each other.

But becasue you have not phoned, maybe you know deep down this is not the person to ring right now. You are welcome to pm me and let it all hang out if you want

 

[Calamity Jane]

Please do not get upset about what I'm going to say. I'm saying this because I think sometimes the net takes us away from reality. I know sometimes people on the net fill voids that we have in our lives. However, is the net really a place to fill that void? Does the net and online communication make us avoid or fail to confront a problem we have in our real lives?

I have a fear of online attachment. I keep most people at arms length. So, my perspective and advice is far different. If you feel so compelled or such a need to call someone from online, I might reassess the situation. Figure out just what this person is doing for you in your life right now. See if it's not something that you need to transform in yourself and in your situation.

Yes, of course, there's a void. I'm not 'allowed' many real life friends, and certainly not male ones. I can't seem to confide in female friends as readily though, so here i am.

I'm generally very cynical about these things too, btw. have only allowed two online friends to call me at home, and that was after talking to them for a year or so. this is a little weird/different for me.

 

[Cheyenne]

<quote edited out>

I'd probably not call unless it was a true emergency. But I'd ask the next time I talked to him what the "rules" for calling should be in the future.

Any chance that you might get just as much comfort by typing a really long email to get it out of your system? Start by telling him how you'd rather talk to him, but you did the email instead due to the late hour. Then pour your heart out as if he were listening? When you're done typing, you still have the option of hiting "delete" instead of "send."

 

[Calamity Jane]

Any chance that you might get just as much comfort by typing a really long email to get it out of your system? Start by telling him how you'd rather talk to him, but you did the email instead due to the late hour. Then pour your heart out as if he were listening? When you're done typing, you still have the option of hiting "delete" instead of "send."

i'm typing one now...i'd prefer the contact of a voice... but we can't always get what we want, right?

 

[Cheyenne]

i'm typing one now...i'd prefer the contact of a voice... but we can't always get what we want, right?

Just tell him how you really wanted to talk to him, but held back. It will give him a chance to say "call me at any hour of the day or night, I'm always here for you" or "thanks for not waking me, I have a big day at work on Monday and needed my sleep." Hopefully the first option.

Speaking of being late, it is way past time for me to be in bed. Good night, and hope you're feeling better by the time you get that email done.

 

[cymbidia]

You may not know but i'm just coming up from being down as low as i can remember being in many years. While i was down there, i fought wildly with myself about making phone calls much like the one you're conflicted about making. While my situation wasn't what yours is, we do have that wild phone-call-need in common.

I did *not* make the calls.

I went for drives.
I wrote long-ass emails, most of which i sent only to myself.
I cleaned the hell out of my bathrooms.
I cried and wept.
I was mean to the dog and my kids a time or two (something i'm not proud of but, well, that's what happened).
I ate crunchy hard-to-eat food like apples and carrots and stuff i could CHEW.
I paced.
I took walks.
I rehearsed what i would say *when* i could talk to him - over and over and over and over, refining it every time.

I'm glad i didn't call when i was so low. I wouldn't have been able to communicate what i so needed to say in such a state. Quite frankly, he wasn't in a place to hear me and i wasn't ready to hear him, either.

It was better for both of us that the so-important phone calls were put off for a few days.

Perhaps a little time and distance would be beneficial for both of you, too?

 

[Calamity Jane]

thank you cym, you're right.

thankfully, the problems aren't with him, they're firmly planted in my real life. he's a good sounding board though, and not afraid to tell me when i'm being a cynical ol bitch, which i occasionally need to hear.

i can't do any of the things you suggested, at least for a few more days. i'm at my mom's house, and it's clean... not even a dish to wash. i can't even kick her dog.

so, it's back to internalizing and trying to figure out how much i can stand before i can't stand anymore and i pull a 'fugue state' and forget who i am. that sounds sooooo relaxing lately!

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

My famous catch phrase; it depends....

I will say this though; sometimes online interaction just isn't enough. While I was with my kids this weekend I installed AIM on their computer so we could chat. Tonight, my daughter was very upset with her mother and wanted to talk with me, and tried to chat online. The topic was complex enough that I just told her I would call her. Rather than run the chance of her misunderstanding what I was typing, and having to write out everything I had to say - I felt it was better to call her and tell her verbally. Fortunately that was the right decision and she feels better now.

If it is just something short and sweet, or it is a light topic, then an online email or chat might be fine - but sometimes only voice contact will do. Especially if it is a father's soothing voice.

 

[Calamity Jane]

too true STG. I rarely crave human contact... i'm a loner amd observer by nature, but sometimes...

aw well. too late now anyway. so an email it is, and maybe after the funeral tomorrow, and after i send the psycho relatives back to their home planets, and i get the kids to sleep, and my 95 year old grandmother shuts up about my tats (she's been giving me names of plastic surgeons who do removals for 10 years)... then i'll get to talk. cross your fingers for me.

 

[Laurel]

Yes, of course, there's a void. I'm not 'allowed' many real life friends, and certainly not male ones. I can't seem to confide in female friends as readily though, so here i am.

That's a real shame. You seem like a really smart, funky, cool chick who deserves to have friends - male, female, or other. Have you discussed this with your SO? I assume you have, or he's not open to discussions of that nature (which probably makes him not much of a "friend" either).

I would never tell anyone how to live their lives. I don't know your situation, and I do know that we all make compromises in relationships. But I think it's a real shame that others are being deprived of your RL friendship.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Thanks so much Laurel, I happen to think you're right on all counts. I feel a lot better.

 

[Debbie]

Can we help in any way? It worries me your comment about "I am not allowed many real life friends."
My ex was controlling and very violent. I " wasn't allowed many real life friends" in fact he tried to make it any. (as in alone, no one)
Please if we can help tell us!
PM me anytime.

 

[Sabineteas]

Friends

That "I'm not allowed any" bothered me too. PCG, is there anything that any one here could do for you? We may not be the smartest or the most insightful, but I have seen some good advice here. I am feeling for you very much after reading that comment.