Feeling better about your body

[center_stage]

Two years ago I found out that my sister was anorexic. It killed me inside because she is my little sister and she was only 11 at the time. I don't know why (but I researched this and found it to be quite common) but once she was officially diagnosed and I started noticing her, I started to scrutinize my own body. I don't think I'm that bad. Granted, I am 5'4" and 150 pounds, 5 pounds over the "normal" range.

I work out 3 times a week and I used to think that I was okay, but lately I have been feeling really bad about myself. I feel that my stomach could be flatter, my legs leaner, my arms more muscular, and my breasts perkier. I don't know why it has been affecting me so much lately. I know that other people go through this, and I was wondering, how do you deal? What do you do to make yourself feel better? I dont want to fall into a downward spiral like my little sister did.

I am a bit worried about this because it has been consuming my life. I cannot walk by a mirror without looking over at it and scrutinizing some part of my body. It has cut back on my social activities and the whatnot. What should I do?

 

[reallyred]

I sure do know what you mean. It took me a long time to get to like my body then I had a child and it hasn't been the same and I quit smoking....the weight just piled on and now I am 40 lbs. overweight.

I found that before I had my son, I never bothered with my weight. I exercised and ate fairly healthy. I went to the gym and had the trainer there give me specific exercises to do to shape the various parts of my body that I wasn't happy with.

I did end up with nice toned arms, a nice butt and a fairly well shaped torso and I didn't really loose weight but my body shape was more to what I liked.

Maybe you could ask the trainer at your gym, I am assuming you belong to a gym, to help you shape your body. You don't need to loose weight to do this but sometimes you do and don't notice it because you are also building muscle.

Sorry if any of this is not too clear......it's way past my bed time!!

 

[SweetErika]

It's wonderful you're recognizing this and want to change it before it worsens; that alone is huge and something to be very proud of.

I am a bit worried about this because it has been consuming my life. I cannot walk by a mirror without looking over at it and scrutinizing some part of my body. It has cut back on my social activities and the whatnot. What should I do?

Honestly, this part tells me it'd probably be best to get some professional help now. Sure, you can work on saying positives in the mirror and turning your thoughts around, but my experience has been getting out of something this serious takes guidance and support. At the very least, how about consulting with a therapist and seeing if, given your honest thoughts and behaviors, they feel you need counseling or can do without?

 

[Straight-8]

Just eat healthy, excercise and try and ignore all the crap that makes you obsess about your body and forces you to try to conform to some stupid ideal that doesn't even exist (most of the celebs have had 'work' done on them and their pictures are airbrushed). If the point is attraction to the other sex: yeah guys views are also manipulated by the media so some won't find a natural figure as attractive. That is their problem - some guys will definitely be attracted because you make the right choices. A confident attitude, knowing you've made the right choice, goes a long way.

But I agree with Sweeterica: get some professional help now. A good counsellor can help you deal with these pressures. Group counselling is an excellent way to go (and a bit cheaper). There are also some books out there with programs to help you deal with this.

As you know if you've read up on this, anorexia or bulimia can be a life threatening, soul destroying condition. Believe me, I've seen it. It sounds like you have too (How is your sister?). Try and use your rational mind to beat it and take alll the help you can get. You can do this!

Good luck!

 

[TBKahuna123]

The best thing is that you are seeing the warning signs and identifying them. What you are dealing with is the fear of falling into the same downward spiral as your sister, and that fear can become a self fulfilling prophecy. I would defintely see a counselor, you certainly have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

And from a guy's persepctive, there's nothing wrong with some curves. Take a look at classic art, do you see any rail thin model types out there? No, they are all sensual, voluptuous beauties. I love that word, voluptuous. There's a reason they picked a word that sounds so sexy.

 

[Guest]

 

[SweetErika]

And from a guy's persepctive, there's nothing wrong with some curves. Take a look at classic art, do you see any rail thin model types out there? No, they are all sensual, voluptuous beauties. I love that word, voluptuous. There's a reason they picked a word that sounds so sexy.

I LOVE the curvy women of classical art...their bodies are breathtaking and perfection in my eyes. Attached are a few favorites up through the 1920s, and tons of classical and vintage art and erotica can be found at Tallulahs.com for those who are interested.

 

[Quoll]

I LOVE the curvy women of classical art...their bodies are breathtaking and perfection in my eyes. Attached are a few favorites up through the 1920s, and tons of classical and vintage art and erotica can be found at Tallulahs.com for those who are interested.

What I find incredibly sad is that today, most of those women would be considered fat, and yet to my (somewhat older) eyes all I see is beautiful women.

As a slight diversion I would like to introduce Chloe, one of Melbourne's most famous residents, in fact she was so popoular, she was at risk of being kidnapped by American soldiers.

Chloe's story.

 

[Little Bird]

I think the very first thing is, that you have to want to like your boddy. It's sometimes almost fun in wich way we react to problems, but I think more often than not, the things we're worrying about are not the real problem.

I've the exactly opposite problem. I'm 6 feet tall and about 115 pounds. About four years ago I was weighted at 20 pounds under the minimal weight that is rated as halthy. When I hold my hand to my upper arms I can almost touch my middle finger to the thub and I cannot even just push the arms of my shirt up without opening the button, they do even fall down again. But I simply can not gain any weight. Having two warm meals a day (one even cantine) for about a year made me gain about 4 kg, but I lost them again in about a month after that.
It's just in the family, though I'm the most thin, and I no longer try to get these 20 pounds ever. My fathers side of the family is the opposite: They can not get really slim, ever. Sometimes we're just given something and can not change it. Sometimes we don't like it but we have to accept it, and even only because there just is no other way.

If you want to get into better shape, then try it. But if it does not work, do not despair. That no way means that you did it wrong or did not try enough. If you get that fat, that you can't stand up on your own, than that's most probably your fault. But if that leg does not become pure muscle, then maybe it just is that way and it can not be changed that easily.
If you accept that you can't change your body in every way you like, and accept, that you maybe have to live that way for a long time or forever, if nothing helps, than your very much more unlikely to ever get into a situation where you could do any harm to yourself.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I LOVE the curvy women of classical art...their bodies are breathtaking and perfection in my eyes. Attached are a few favorites up through the 1920s, and tons of classical and vintage art and erotica can be found at Tallulahs.com for those who are interested.

I love those ladies, too! Probably because I look at them and see them as a celebration of women as they are. They have a radiance and voluptuousness (is that a word?) that airbrushing and fake tits just can't match.

The times I get the most down about my curves is when I'm shopping for clothes and nothing seems to fit, or during bathing suit season (which is never in San Francisco ). It's not even about weight for me, as I'm not heavy. But I have boobs and curvy hips and ass, so it's not so easy to feel confident.

Yoga and belly dancing classes really did a wonderful thing for my self-esteem. There's something about yoga that makes you focus on what your body can do in terms of strength and balance and flexibility. It makes me feel good to be able to balance for five minutes in a forward lunge or proud warrior posture, and gives me a new respect for my legs and and butt muscles. The mind-body connection is very powerful.

Belly dancing is similar, except that it gave me a never-before-held appreciation for my hips and stomach. It's so mesmerizing to watch my hips move in a way I didn't know they could move, and it's very sensual and beautiful. I had never thought that part of my body could be so sensual until then. Highly recommend it for anyone with self-esteem issues in that area.

I'll also add that having sex with a lover who appreciates my curves and isn't wishing that my body looked like his favorite porn star goes a long way toward making me feel good about what I look like. There's nothing better than a guy who makes you feel sexy by the way he looks at you and desires you.

Center stage, my advice would be to focus less on appearance and more on health, strength and endurance. If this is an impossible task because of your current mindframe, Sweet Erika's right - there's nothing wrong with getting some help from a counselor experienced in helping women work through these issues. Don't let your perceptions get in the way of enjoying your body and your life.

My two cents.

 

[Cathleen]

Some interesting things can be found at some of these sites. Body image is a very difficult issue as well as wide spread.



http://www.bodypositive.com/

http://www.myselfhelp.com/

http://www.something-fishy.org/

http://www.gurze.com/index.cfm

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

(...) I don't know why it has been affecting me so much lately. I know that other people go through this, and I was wondering, how do you deal? What do you do to make yourself feel better? I dont want to fall into a downward spiral like my little sister did.

I am a bit worried about this because it has been consuming my life. I cannot walk by a mirror without looking over at it and scrutinizing some part of my body. It has cut back on my social activities and the whatnot. What should I do?

Center Stage, I want you to think outside the box (or off the scale) for a minute here: what is going on for you NOW that you have suddenly become preoccupied with your size? You weren't before. This kind of peoccupation sounds like obsessional thinking, and obsessional thinking escalates in response to anxiety. You might be anxious about changes in your life, being away from family, your relationship. You probably have some feelings that you don't think you can share with anyone. Those bad feelings will fuel your concerns about your body.

The problem is not your body. Something else feels out of your control, and you're expressing anger at your body instead of at the real source. this might be incorrect, but consider it, and let me know if it fits for you. You can PM me if you want.
Olivia

 

[naughtygirl69s]

Center Stage, I want you to think outside the box (or off the scale) for a minute here: what is going on for you NOW that you have suddenly become preoccupied with your size? You weren't before. This kind of peoccupation sounds like obsessional thinking, and obsessional thinking escalates in response to anxiety. You might be anxious about changes in your life, being away from family, your relationship. You probably have some feelings that you don't think you can share with anyone. Those bad feelings will fuel your concerns about your body.





The problem is not your body. Something else feels out of your control, and you're expressing anger at your body instead of at the real source. this might be incorrect, but consider it, and let me know if it fits for you. You can PM me if you want.
Olivia

good advice, you sound like you know what you're talking about..

what's your fee?

 

[TBKahuna123]

I love those ladies, too! Probably because I look at them and see them as a celebration of women as they are. They have a radiance and voluptuousness (is that a word?) that airbrushing and fake tits just can't match.

You're damned right it's a word, and you hit the point dead on. Don't get me wrong, thin women are beautiful too, but I don't equate femininity with being skinny. Quite the opposite, I equate it with the curves of the female form. Maybe that comes from being an artist. My wive once asked me to describe her in once sentence. Without hesitation it popped into my head: Dangerous Curves Ahead.

Center stage, my advice would be to focus less on appearance and more on health, strength and endurance.

What you say here is very very important. Focusing on weight, or even appearance, leads to the specter of scale watching, which leads to frustration, which leads to giving up. I know, I've been there. Focus on your health, on how you feel physically. Me, I can "feel" the extra weight on my body these days, I can feel what my eating habits are doing to me. My desire to lose weight has nothign to do with looks, and everything to do with health.

Women don't have to be perfect and plastic. I know a lot of women think that's what guys want, because that's what we look at in magazines, porn, etc. Like I told my wife though wehn she asked that question, it's not that this is what we truly desire, it's just that it's what's available in porn these days. So why do we look at porn? Boredom, more than anything else. There aren't many guys that would trade a live woman for a video.

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

good advice, you sound like you know what you're talking about..

what's your fee?

Oh - I can sound a bit ... bossy? oops. I used to work for peanuts, but now I like cashews.

I did want to add something, though. When you have a sister or close friend who goes around hating their body all the time, the strage thing is that it is kind of contagious. Not really contagious, but it has a negative impact on the body image of others too. If I'm even slightly unsure about my body, and I'm hanging around with a friend, and she says "I'm disgusting", then even if she isn't talking about me, I'm going to look at myself and think "I weigh more then her. Am I disgusting?".

Once you decide to work on feeling better, you might have to draw the line with your sister and other girls or women who insult their bodies all the time. Telling the truth is powerful. If you say "when you insult your body like that, you are saying it is disgusting to have a normal body, and that hurts me.", that might even help your sister. So many women say mean things about their bodies, and it is destructive to all of us. You might have to keep some space from people with body obsessions for a little while, unless they are in recovery.

 

[eudaemonia]

Some interesting things can be found at some of these sites. Body image is a very difficult issue as well as wide spread.



http://www.bodypositive.com/

http://www.myselfhelp.com/

http://www.something-fishy.org/

http://www.gurze.com/index.cfm

I'm a bit pressed for time today, Cate, but could you chime in on whether any of those links address male body image? I'm beginning to wonder a lot about that.

 

[eudaemonia]

If you say "when you insult your body like that, you are saying it is disgusting to have a normal body, and that hurts me.", that might even help your sister. So many women say mean things about their bodies, and it is destructive to all of us.

I dunno. That's like saying you have no control over groupthink. That's not a helpful implication, that "when you say mean things about *your* body, it hurts me." Nobody can make you feel bad w/o your consent.

The OP is trying to work things out for herself. Adding a layer of adversary to it by suggesting that the sister is somehow responsible for her poor body image is what I think is destructive thinking.

Just MHO ...

I really like what LadyJeanne posted about how doing body-centered workouts and dancing and finding a man who appreciated her sexually did everything for her self-image. Let's face, once you've gotten used to someone admiring your body for the way it is, that goes a helluva long way to self-acceptance.

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

I dunno. That's like saying you have no control over groupthink. That's not a helpful implication, that "when you say mean things about *your* body, it hurts me." Nobody can make you feel bad w/o your consent.

The OP is trying to work things out for herself. Adding a layer of adversary to it by suggesting that the sister is somehow responsible for her poor body image is what I think is destructive thinking.

Just MHO ...

Good point.

Yes, I agree it is problematic to suggest someone else is responsible. They aren't. I didn't mean to imply that we are victims of other people's self-loathing. Rather, to become aware that it has an impact and take responsibility for dealing with that. So if I am in the middle of all kinds of obsessional thoughts about weight, it is responsible to say "when you talk about your fat obsession, it actually affects me really badly. Maybe we can make some kind of agreement about how we talk to each other." If they can't work it out, it might be personally responsible to take a step back. It's like other people don't force you to drink, but if you're trying to quit drinking, you don't hang out in bars for a while, and you ask your friends not to pressure you.

(I'm responding to the fact that the body obsession began after the sister's illness. The sister isn't the cause, but the illness itself had an impact.)

 

[center_stage]

Wow... I wasn't expecting so may replies. Thanks so much for all the replies.

Today I went to the doctor and I expressed my discontent with my body and how I feel like I can't be perfect. He felt that the best route for me to go would be counseling. He reccomended one and we talked as to why I am feeling this way.

I told him about my little sister's anorexia and how I have always felt tremendous pressure from my parents to be perfect. I am always pressure for grades, and if I bring home a 92, my father always goes "Where are the extra 8 points?" and then he makes me go to the teacher and try to get an extra credit assignment to make up for the lost points.

My mother has always put tremendous pressure on me to have a "good" body. When I would go dress shopping for a semi-formal, she would always tell me that shopping would be a lot easier if I was taller and skinnier. I can't fix the taller thing, but she always put pressure on me to lose weight. She has always told me that I would be a lot happier if I were skinnier.

I think that right now I am so upset with my little sister's illness that I started to examine myself and see what was "wrong" with me. It still breaks my heart when I think of my beautiful sister looking in the mirror and seeing something that she is not. I think that I am thinking about it way too much and it just got to me.

I think I am upset about my life in general because my parents were very overprotective and very sheltering. I was never allowed to go out and when I did I would have to check in every 30 minutes, and my parents would call the other kids parents to make sure that they would be there. My parents refused to allow me to date, and when I go to college I am not allowed to live on Campus and I am not even allowed to leave the city.

The way my parents treat me is a reflection of how their parents treated them. I would think that my parents would realize how miserable they were and treat us differently.

I joined a gym today so I feel better. I also am drinking more water and buying some nice clothes because nice things always make me feel good.
I am not using this as a thread to bitch, so if you think I am, just tell me because I don't want to seem like a downer or complainer to anyone

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

center_stage, you've already figured so much out. That was a brilliant post. Thanks for saying how things are going.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I think I am upset about my life in general because my parents were very overprotective and very sheltering. I was never allowed to go out and when I did I would have to check in every 30 minutes, and my parents would call the other kids parents to make sure that they would be there. My parents refused to allow me to date, and when I go to college I am not allowed to live on Campus and I am not even allowed to leave the city.

I had parents like that. There are ways to get around their restrictions...

I eventually broke free of that by making my big stand junior year in college. I lived in the dorms the first two years (gee, mom and dad, do you really want me to be driving home all the time at 2 in the morning after the library closes? Or getting up at 5am and battle rush hour traffic so I can make it to my 8am class?), but decided to get an apartment for junior year...and moved in with two guys.

Your parents will still love you even if start claiming your independence (though they won't be happy about what you're doing).

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

I LOVE the curvy women of classical art...their bodies are breathtaking and perfection in my eyes. Attached are a few favorites up through the 1920s, and tons of classical and vintage art and erotica can be found at Tallulahs.com for those who are interested.

I wanted to give you credit, Sweet Erica, for reminding me of the wonderful Venus at her Mirror, by Diego Velázquez, which is now my avatar. Thanks!

 

[taolanes]

You say you pick apart some flaw in the mirror every time you go by. Well people do things for a reason. You don't just stick your hand into a blender. You think that by obsessing over your flaws you could somehow fix them. But law of physics says anything you obsess about will only expand. Just stop the behavior and the mind will soon follow. Don't allow yourself to talk about your flaws for a week and see what happens. It will work better than you think.

Some things in life are simple. You are smart enough and capable enough to fix this for yourself. You coon DO it!

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I had some recent issues of my own, despite my normal self-acceptance and everything. I read a bood though that was very inspirational and did help change some of my opinions and the way I look at myself. The book is called The Good Body written by Eve Ensler. For some reason, it really shed some light on a few things that I never thought would be very clear to me. I would suggest taking the time to read the book for anyone that is having some negative thoughts about their body.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

Oh - I can sound a bit ... bossy? oops. I used to work for peanuts, but now I like cashews.

I did want to add something, though. When you have a sister or close friend who goes around hating their body all the time, the strage thing is that it is kind of contagious. Not really contagious, but it has a negative impact on the body image of others too. If I'm even slightly unsure about my body, and I'm hanging around with a friend, and she says "I'm disgusting", then even if she isn't talking about me, I'm going to look at myself and think "I weigh more then her. Am I disgusting?".

Once you decide to work on feeling better, you might have to draw the line with your sister and other girls or women who insult their bodies all the time. Telling the truth is powerful. If you say "when you insult your body like that, you are saying it is disgusting to have a normal body, and that hurts me.", that might even help your sister. So many women say mean things about their bodies, and it is destructive to all of us. You might have to keep some space from people with body obsessions for a little while, unless they are in recovery.

ohhh i hear that, i had to quit hanging around certain people because they would constantly complain about how FAT they were when she weighed off 120 pounds and im like HELLO have you looked at me???

it's about as rude as complaining about how "short" you are in a room full of dwarfs!