Feedback

[Sai_dias_29]

https://literotica.com/s/awakening-pt-01-4

Could I get feedback on this story? Like what worked, what didn't, what should've been expanded, or condensed. I'm still working on my first story, trying to revamp it and make it better, and I'm using this as writing exercise for that story.

 

[Sai_dias_29]

Bump

 

[HectorBidon]

I don't read a lot of I/T, and I didn't read all of your story, so you can take these comments with a grain of salt. It seems to me that this story belongs in Sci-Fi/Fantasy rather than I/T. It's set in a fantasy world with magic and potions and body swaps and portals.. I don't think that's what I/T readers are looking for. They're looking for relatable, everyday stuff: the son on the mom's lap, the brother and sister who have to share a motel room. You write well, and the page-and-a-half that I read was interesting (although it took some effort to keep track of who the different characters were and what their various powers and relationships were). It probably would have gotten a decent reception in Sci-Fi/Fantasy. But my sense is that many I/T readers would not be willing to put in the effort. (By the middle of the second page I still wasn't exactly sure what the incest angle was.)


Incest is often considered a "trump" category, but the Story Tags Portal shows lots of Sci-Fi/Fantasy stories that have the tag "incest." So maybe you can try submitting a story there. It won't get as many views, but hopefully the ones that it does get will be more enthusiastic.

 

[Silasmarner]

I want to echo some big points from the comment above, this is a science fiction story and the way we find out when you mention a 103 year old man in bed, feeling half his age. Starting off an I/T story like that would have many readers stopping there.

Next, I recommend sticking to one perspective and not changing it. I read a lot of science fiction/fantasy and the limited 3rd person is very popular and works, especially when you have people body swapping and talking with their minds. In the first page you switch between Nasirah's perspective and then, maybe, the uncle or was it, Elder Memmaram? I think we found 4 or more perspectives on top of telepathy so I was lost fairly early.

I do appreciate you explained some of the terms but I was under the impression your terms were for your fictional world, until I looked some of them up because I couldn't understand why it was necessary to call the uncle, "mama" until I realized it was simply another real-world language that I'm not familiar with and that's fine. We all have cultural differences and I use a lot of American slag or terms that may not make sense in other countries so I would be mindful when using unfamiliar terms that have a very different meaning in other languages. Hell, I need to take my own advice on this one too, I figure.

If you're going to use italics when telepathy is in use then make sure you're using it consistently and make sure you tell us when they are just thinking privately or saying the words to someone else. Maybe brackets would work here? I'm not sure. I was lost again in the teenager's room because they were talking out loud and then to the uncle, but the italics were only used part of time and then when the body swap happened, I saw the italics but it was used for a foreign language, but those terms were never defined, "Amma" and "Monu". I don't know what either means or why Umma was mother and then Amma as well. I'm sure I'm simply misunderstanding the language which is fine, but I would have stopped reading the story at that point due to the confusion and let it go as not being part of the target audience.

The time jumps were too much, again, despite the headings. I'm an avid reader and was completely lost. I stopped reading at the second reverse time jump.

I think simply telling the story from one perspective per chapter would work better and find a way to get passed the headings since they didn't serve the purpose of making the story easier to follow. The premise is fine. Body swapping in an incest story works but the flow was off here. I hope I was able to help some. Good luck!

 

[Sai_dias_29]

I want to echo some big points from the comment above, this is a science fiction story and the way we find out when you mention a 103 year old man in bed, feeling half his age. Starting off an I/T story like that would have many readers stopping there.

Next, I recommend sticking to one perspective and not changing it. I read a lot of science fiction/fantasy and the limited 3rd person is very popular and works, especially when you have people body swapping and talking with their minds. In the first page you switch between Nasirah's perspective and then, maybe, the uncle or was it, Elder Memmaram? I think we found 4 or more perspectives on top of telepathy so I was lost fairly early.

I do appreciate you explained some of the terms but I was under the impression your terms were for your fictional world, until I looked some of them up because I couldn't understand why it was necessary to call the uncle, "mama" until I realized it was simply another real-world language that I'm not familiar with and that's fine. We all have cultural differences and I use a lot of American slag or terms that may not make sense in other countries so I would be mindful when using unfamiliar terms that have a very different meaning in other languages. Hell, I need to take my own advice on this one too, I figure.

If you're going to use italics when telepathy is in use then make sure you're using it consistently and make sure you tell us when they are just thinking privately or saying the words to someone else. Maybe brackets would work here? I'm not sure. I was lost again in the teenager's room because they were talking out loud and then to the uncle, but the italics were only used part of time and then when the body swap happened, I saw the italics but it was used for a foreign language, but those terms were never defined, "Amma" and "Monu". I don't know what either means or why Umma was mother and then Amma as well. I'm sure I'm simply misunderstanding the language which is fine, but I would have stopped reading the story at that point due to the confusion and let it go as not being part of the target audience.

The time jumps were too much, again, despite the headings. I'm an avid reader and was completely lost. I stopped reading at the second reverse time jump.

I think simply telling the story from one perspective per chapter would work better and find a way to get passed the headings since they didn't serve the purpose of making the story easier to follow. The premise is fine. Body swapping in an incest story works but the flow was off here. I hope I was able to help some. Good luck!

First off, I am really sorry for responding late. I forgot I had posted this on the forum, and my email for some reason didn't notify me telling me that people had responded.

I want to echo some big points from the comment above, this is a science fiction story and the way we find out when you mention a 103 year old man in bed, feeling half his age. Starting off an I/T story like that would have many readers stopping there.

I wasn't sure where to place the story, because initially it started off as a body swap story and nothing else. But as I worked on the story, and got feedback as I worked it evolved into this story. So I wasn't sure if I should make it I/T or Sci-fi, and since I'm mostly writing incest I posted it as an incest story.

Next, I recommend sticking to one perspective and not changing it. I read a lot of science fiction/fantasy and the limited 3rd person is very popular and works, especially when you have people body swapping and talking with their minds. In the first page you switch between Nasirah's perspective and then, maybe, the uncle or was it, Elder Memmaram? I think we found 4 or more perspectives on top of telepathy so I was lost fairly early.

I'm not quite sure what you mean here. If you could explain, it'll be great. Are you talking about the head hopping or something. If it's head hopping, I apologise. I am not a trained writer, nor is English my first language. I only started writing to put out stories I thought people might enjoy.

I do appreciate you explained some of the terms but I was under the impression your terms were for your fictional world, until I looked some of them up because I couldn't understand why it was necessary to call the uncle, "mama" until I realized it was simply another real-world language that I'm not familiar with and that's fine. We all have cultural differences and I use a lot of American slag or terms that may not make sense in other countries so I would be mindful when using unfamiliar terms that have a very different meaning in other languages. Hell, I need to take my own advice on this one too, I figure.

I'll work on this in the next chapter. I didn't want to bother with external language jargon.

If you're going to use italics when telepathy is in use then make sure you're using it consistently and make sure you tell us when they are just thinking privately or saying the words to someone else. Maybe brackets would work here? I'm not sure. I was lost again in the teenager's room because they were talking out loud and then to the uncle, but the italics were only used part of time

I wasn't sure how to show that they're speaking sure telepathy without having to constantly say it out loud. So I decided to sure italics inside quotes as "thelepathy talk" and regular italics without quotes as personal thoughts.

when the body swap happened, I saw the italics but it was used for a foreign language, but those terms were never defined, "Amma" and "Monu". I don't know what either means or why Umma was mother and then Amma as well. I'm sure I'm simply misunderstanding the language which is fine, but I would have stopped reading the story at that point due to the confusion and let it go as not being part of the target audience.

I should have thought about that, and it's completely my fault. I thought since I already had two stories out that people would know what those words meant, but that was unfair. Again, next time I will put it parentheses or explain it. But if you want to what it means, 'Monu' basically just means son, but it's cute way of saying it. And the difference between Amma and Umma is religion. Umma is used my Muslims who speak Malayalam and Amma is used by christians and Hindus, both of them means mother.

The time jumps were too much, again, despite the headings. I'm an avid reader and was completely lost. I stopped reading at the second reverse time jump.

Do you any way for me to fix that? There isn't going to be any time jumps in the following chapters -- other than time jumping forward -- but I want to know if there's any way to fix it so that people can read it without being confused.

I think simply telling the story from one perspective per chapter would work better

I didn't know about this until few weeks ago. The story from one perspective thing (Because I'm not a writer). But after I learned about it , I've been re-re-writing my first story in 3rd person limited, following single character through each chapter. So that I can focus on important characters without bogging down the story with unnecessary fillers, like the one posted currently. I'll try to do the same with the following chapters. By trying tell the story from perspective characters POV.

Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I hope you can respond to this and clarify the parts of your comment I didn't understand.

 

[Sai_dias_29]

I don't read a lot of I/T, and I didn't read all of your story, so you can take these comments with a grain of salt. It seems to me that this story belongs in Sci-Fi/Fantasy rather than I/T. It's set in a fantasy world with magic and potions and body swaps and portals.. I don't think that's what I/T readers are looking for. They're looking for relatable, everyday stuff: the son on the mom's lap, the brother and sister who have to share a motel room. You write well, and the page-and-a-half that I read was interesting (although it took some effort to keep track of who the different characters were and what their various powers and relationships were). It probably would have gotten a decent reception in Sci-Fi/Fantasy. But my sense is that many I/T readers would not be willing to put in the effort. (By the middle of the second page I still wasn't exactly sure what the incest angle was.)


Incest is often considered a "trump" category, but the Story Tags Portal shows lots of Sci-Fi/Fantasy stories that have the tag "incest." So maybe you can try submitting a story there. It won't get as many views, but hopefully the ones that it does get will be more enthusiastic.

I'll post the next chapter as in the sci-fi category. And later after I finish the story I'll go back and fix the problems the first chapter.