Feedback

[alternativeone]

I am a new contributer to this site and I must say at the outset how much I am enjoying the experience.

However there are a couple of points I would like to ask advice on:-

Firstly why does it take so long for stories to be accepted?

secondly is it always the case that lots of views are made but not many votes are made? (I am not entering a competition but writing for pleasure)

And thirdly could I please ask for some feedback on my first amatuer scribble from the experienced members that I see posting here giving such good advice.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70785

Thank you for the forum

A

 

[Natural Born Eros]

1. As I understand it, it takes between 2 and 4 days because Lauren has to screen all the stories. She removes any which contain anything legally difficult (underage, etc) and possibly (I'm not sure) the truly dreadful.

2. I think so. It certainly is for me. My most recent story has over 5000 reads and just 29 votes. Its a bugger, isn't it?

3. I'm not actually that experienced, but I shall offer what suggestions I can. Here we go...

I'm afraid I have to be honest. I found it very difficult to read this story. This was because of a number of grammatical and technical errors to numerous to list in full here. The major problems concerned correct use of quotations for dialogue and incorrectly formed sentences - that is, sentences which were either too short or too long. I would suggest the use of an editor from the volunteer service to help you with this. You could also read the "Making your characters talk" section of the writers guide page. I know this is a harsh line I'm taking, but it really is difficult to keep reading a story with poor grammar. If I hadn't been planning feedback, I would have just hit the back button within a few paragraphs. It seems likely that a lot of your audience will be doing the same.

That isn't to say the story is entirely without merit. You have a good sense of describing a sex scene and the level of detail is just right. The earlier part of the story could benefit from more context - you have to make us care about the characters, make us keep reading. The dialogue is a bit contrived as well, which makes it difficult to follow the plot as it goes along.

Conclusion: You need to find an editor (with more time than I have spare, I'm afraid) to bring out the obvious experience and talent in this story in a more readable manner. Again, I'm sorry, I hate writing such negative feedback, but that is how I feel about it.

Cheers,

Eros

 

[alternativeone]

To Natural Born Eros

Thank you for your reply and the information to my questions.

Thank you also for the feedback on my writings. I am sorry not to have read your coments earlier and not to have given you a reply sooner.

I have taken you comments into consideration and will use the information from the suggested reading from now on... I wish I had had it earlier.

another bit of help if I can ask again? How does one now edit a story once posted and approved? Or possibly withdraw it? I have read some notes on posting but not found this.

Thanks again

N

 

[damppanties]

Help from the Lit. FAQs -

- I've re-edited my story and want to replace the posted version with my new edited one. How do I do this?

Easy! Simply submit the new version as you submitted the old one, only adding the word "EDITED" to the title (ex. "My Sexy Firefighter Ch. 3 - EDITED") so that we know to replace the old text with the new text. We will then replace the original text with the new text. Your story will retain its previous voting score and views.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

First, on voting: I myself just don't feel qualified to vote on stories. If I think it's extremely well done I'll give it a 5, and if it's illiterate hash I might give it a one, but I just don't think my personal taste in porn qualifies me to judge the story's worth. What if the story's really imaginataive but the mechanics are poor? What if the prose is like poetry but you don't care for the particular sexual activity? So I'm more likely to give feedback than just a number.

As to your story, you've chosen a difficult subject to tackle from a writer's point of view. In a group sex scene you've got to keep track of all that's going on, and give each of the characters a trait that separates them from the others, and it's difficult to do. And I think that's exactly your problem. I immediately got confused as to who was doing what to whom, and the fact that the narrator didn't seem to know either just made it worse. I couldn't remember his wife's name or who her friends were, and it quickly became a muddle to me.

Also, you have some style problems. Hewre's an excerpt:
--------------------------------
They must have had some practice with each other because I was getting a lot of first class pleasure. I had to move to stop the orgasm that was building. I guided hands, I don't know whose, to my wife's pussy and then others to her breasts. I lifted her slightly and began to lick back and forward from her pussy to her ass. She liked that. Before this she would not let me near her ass. I circled it. Moved over it. Lightly licked past it. And suddenly pushed my tongue right into it. She purred like a cat. I could faintly hear that. I thought that she would cum but no she started to rock slowly drawing my tongue inside her. I had to pull away. I moved to her clit. I knew that she liked that. I barely touched it when I felt the fingers working back and forward. Rubbing and slopping in the wet. Within a few seconds she hit her first "O." She was grinding into my face and riding my mouth like a steer. I nearly suffocated. I could feel the wet but nothing like Helen had cum. Slowly she stopped fucking my mouth
--------------------------------

Look at the number of "subject-verb" sentences: "I circled it, Moved over it. ... She purred... I could faintly hear... I thought..." &c &c. This begins to drone in the reader's "ear" very quickly and start to sound like a child's primer.

Now, look at the number of adjectives and adverbs in the paragraph. These are the "juice" of prose, these are what brings a picture to life and gives it color. There aren't many. So you've
told us what's happened but you really haven't made us see it, haven't described it very well.

I myself have no problem wiuth sentence fragments. They can be very effective, and writers are allowed to break the rules to get a desired effect.

Look at the last few sentences. "Riding my face like a steer" Does that mean she was riding his face as if he were a steer or she was riding his face as if she were a steer? Does anyone ride steers? I thought they rode bulls. It's minor, but I noticed, and I'll bet others will too.

"I could feel the wet but nothing like Helen had cum." What wet? I thought he was eating Helen.

Here's my suggestions: try writing this story in third person. Then you have to describe what everyone is doing, and you can't get away with vague things like "It felt great", which are the bane of first-person porn writing. It's very good discipline.

Second: put this story away for a couplke of weeks. Then take it out and read it again as if for the first time and see what you think.

But don't get discouraged. You chose a very ambitious theme for a first effort, and in spite of everything your enthusiam and enjoyment come through.

---dr.M.

 

[alternativeone]

Thank you

Damppanties.......Thanks for the info. I will use this if I rewrite the story that I posted earlier. It is so nice to get a reply. Thank you once again.

Dr. Mabeuse........Thank you for taking the time to read my effort and for giving me your time and advice. I always take advice and I will use your slant in the future and the points that you make in the feedback when I rewrite and edit my story.

Thank you.


N

 

[shin1to]

Newbie

I wrote and submitted a story about four days ago. I had trouble with the submission box (my browser crashed in the middle of sending it), so I transmitted it as an attachment to an email.

I understand that this takes a little longer. However, about 300 stories have since been posted with no sign of mine. I am virtually certain that I broke no taboos. So, there is no reason to hold it up on that regard. I sent two queries about the piece and did not receive a reply to either.

This afternoon. I tried the regular way and succeeded (I think) in submitting a slightly longer version.

I would really like to get some kind of feedback. If I am screwing up sending it, straighten me out...

Cheers,

Shin

 

[damppanties]

Re: Newbie

I would really like to get some kind of feedback. If I am screwing up sending it, straighten me out...

I do have a feeling you're going to end up with two versions of the same story.

I think submitting via email would take something like a week whereas submitting via the submission box would take 3 days. The number of stories which appeared after your submission is not related to whether your submission was successful or not. If you submitted correctly, it will be there in line and will be seen when its turn comes up.

How many days have passed since both the submissions? Wait a week after the submission from the submission box on the site before getting all panicky.

A way to check whether your submission is successful -
Login to your account here.
Go to Submissions
Go to View
See if the page lists your submission and there will be a link next to it which should say pending, accepted or rejected. If the page doesn't list your submission, you've not submitted properly.
This is only for submissions through the submission box on the site, not for submission by email.

And, open a new thread for your questions. This one is reserved for alternativeone's work.

 

[shin1to]

Thanks for your help.
That's why I said I was a newbie ...

I'm still not totally clear on navigating here...

Cheers,

Shin

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

Awful story.

Harsh but true, sry.

Basically, as I saw it, guy comes home, finds wife getting in on w/two women, gets it on with all three of them. Surely fertile ground, but try again.

I would have stopped reading a the 2nd paragraph--the typos and grammer mentioned earlier means going forward would be a chore (it was). If you cannot find an editor, try splitting your story into into individual sentences, mixing them up and reading it again--you then tend to read 'out of context' and catch things. (eg "That car rang a bell but no I could not place it.")

 

[Guest]

Terrific ideas!

Yes, there are some major organizational and grammatical problems here, but the story idea is sound and the sexual descriptions (as previously stated by Natural Born Eros) are quite erotic.

I would keep the ideas in each paragraph but totally overhaul them. Some things I would do to change this paragraph, for example:

That car rang a bell but no I could not place it. I went to the door and inserted the key and turned it but the door did not open.

I couldn't quite place it, but I had a feeling I'd had seen that car before. Though somewhat distracted, I attempted to open the front door with my key. Nothing happened.

"Damn she must have left the bolt on." I circled the house and noticed that the curtains were closed. I glanced into the living room but no one was there. No I was alarmed.

"Damn! She must have left the bolt on!" Quickly I ran around to the back of the house, noticing closed curtains at each window. My uneasiness turned to general alarm as I discovered the locked kitchen door.


I got to the kitchen door, that too was locked. Fortunately I had my key with me this time as I usually did not carry such a heavy key.

Luckily, I was carrying my spare set of keys . . . (and so on)



I've said basically the same things as in your paragraph, but the connecting ideas make them flow (I'm hoping - lol)

You need someone to work with you to help you understand how to make your thoughts flow more smoothly. You can choose an editor who has similar interests as yourself - that should make editing less painful! Finding an editor is a terrific idea and will help you get your ideas and your stories out there.

Good luck!!