Feedback

[MathGirl]

An autobiographical story of mine was recently posted in the 'Exhib-Voyeur' category. It's called, 'A Little Fly on the Wall.'

I am new at this and would greatly appreciate some feedback from anyone who would care to read it.

I haven't figured out how to put a link here, sorry.

Thanks in advance to anyone who might care to help me.

d

 

[Axeltheswede]

Link

Here's your link

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=57627

hope it works.

Just some friendly advice. You set out a daunting task for your readers. Four web pages with long blocks of description make for a rather arduous reading experience.

For your future posts, put some air into it. Try for shorter paragraphs and respect the rules of dialogue. Your observer comments should be separated from the text.

An old quote about teaching comes to mind. "The ability of the mind to absorb is directly dependent on the ability of the ass to endure."

A great story will be lost to obscurity if it is too difficult to read.

 

[KillerMuffin]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=57627

The italics were distracting. I didn't understand the point since you were already in the protagonist's thoughts anyway. And particularly since several of the things the character was thinking of in italics were unrealistic. Like the whole thing with the vibe. I'll keep it on low so I don't cum isn't train of thought, it's something you tell someone else to arouse them. Realistically, her thoughts would have been on the scene in front of her, not on a play by play of what she's doing with the vibe. This is mildly outside the realm of normal human patterns of behavior.

Other than that and the teeth gnashing strings of periods and letters (...................) and (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm), not bad for a first shot.

Good characters and an extremely interesting scene. There's really nothing new under the porno sun and you made this feel like it's never been done before. That's difficult. I didn't particularly care for the under-18 feel the protagonist gave off, but that's all personal preference on my part. I think that this could do with a rewrite where the author distances herself a little from the main character. At least enough to allow the immaterial things to disappear, such as the mmmmmmmmmmm's. This way the important things will come out, such as emotional--as opposed to the strictly and repetitively physical--issues will be explored.

 

[ANiceGuy]

Interesting Story kinda different. Me liked it

Makes me want to read the next chapter but... There isn't a next chapter yet?? Is there???

Niceguy

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2056