Feedback would be appreciated on my first story, “Please”

[Squeeze_Tight]

It’s the story of a cocky young alpha having a life changing experience with a powerful slightly older woman, in the femdom niche.

Loosely based on a chance encounter a few years ago that lead to nothing exciting happening, but it stuck in my mind and made me ask myself, “what if?”


https://www.literotica.com/s/please-45

Any feedback on the story along with tips on getting views would be most appreciated.


PS. If anyone can educated me on how to have my profile picture visible on the forum, that would be grand.

 

[EmpressV]

I believe you have to have a certain number of posts before you can add a profile picture.

As for the story, your narrator has a good strong POV and voice. I didn't particularly like him, but the story was compelling enough that I read the whole thing anyway. And that was a great ending line from her!

You have talent. Keep writing!

 

[Squeeze_Tight]

I believe you have to have a certain number of posts before you can add a profile picture.

As for the story, your narrator has a good strong POV and voice. I didn't particularly like him, but the story was compelling enough that I read the whole thing anyway. And that was a great ending line from her!

You have talent. Keep writing!

Thank you so much. I didn’t know if the femdom genre is a popular one here but I’m glad it’s got at least one fan.

Do you think main characters who start off unlikeable can be an issue that prevents people from getting into a story? I quite like having my characters at least start out with their bad side showing.

Glad you liked Angela

 

[TheWorldBuilder]

I believe you have to have a certain number of posts before you can add a profile picture.

Yes, 100.

 

[Squeeze_Tight]

Little bump on this story because I haven't received much feedback as of yet

 

[Emirus]

Enjoyable but with errors.

I enjoyed the story and thought you got some things exactly right but there were a considerable amount of errors a good editor would have picked up on. Errors that aren’t unusual in first stories.

I thought the way you described their meeting, her taking him home, and subsequently dominating him was right for the storyline you created. You gave me the idea of him being very self confident, and a little cocky, without ruining it by his language being extreme. In fact, I thought what dialogue there was for both of them was good.

There were a lot of punctuation, grammar, spelling mistakes and using the wrong word (eg domineered instead of dominated) I’ve never come across a story yet where the use of semi-colons was justified (although many will disagree) and the ending of some of the sentences was incorrect and the rythmn of the sentences was a little up and down. Several paragraphs were way too long. Remember many readers use a mobile phone when reading these stories and the length of a paragraph which may look okay on a pc doesn’t look right on a phone and will show up differently on a small screen. Some readers will find this annoying and either jump the paragraph or finish reading the story there and then because they’ve lost track of what’s happening. White space is a term used frequently on here regarding the length of paragraphs.

It might seem like a lot of criticisms but they are all relatively small and can be corrected without too much effort on your part. I’ve given it a 5, not because I loved it but because I thought it deserved far more than a 4.

If you would like to read how a cocky man (extremely cockier and self confident than your character) can be turned into a submissive then I would suggest you read Finn by Syptembersmyth. The best bdsm series I’ve read on this site.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3952348&page=submissions

There are three stories in my list in the bdsm category and you might like to read them. Also Consequences which is in mature but is about a dominatrix. Shamelessly plugging my own stories but who cares, lol?


***

 

[Squeeze_Tight]

Thank you so much, for both the rating and the feedback. I'm happy to see a lot criticism because that's something I can work with. In my non-erotic writing my dialogue is usually considered a strong point so I'm glad that came across.

My attention was definitely more on the telling of the story and the creation and description of an arousing experience rather than the nitty gritty of writing, so it's no surprise that's where I fell short.

However I will defiantly continue to scatter gun semi colons; the more I use, the greater the chance I will one day use one correctly.

Is it usual to get an editor on this site?