Feedback wanted.

[Cartman94]

Hey everybody. I was wondering if you guys could give me some feedback on my stories.

http://www.literotica.com/s/lindsay-gets-a-special-gift

http://www.literotica.com/s/lindsay-gets-a-special-gift-ch-02

They have been up for almost two months now and I'm currently writing a third chapter and I would like to know what you guys think about the first two.

What was good, what could be better?


It's about a normal girl who meets an alien transsexual/shemale. The second one contains incest.

(PS: I know I use the word cock very much)

Thank you for your time.

 

[slyc_willie]

Just after the first dozen or so paragraphs, I've noticed you repeat yourself a lot. "We did ______ together. We did _______ together. We did everything together." Then, further along, "I looked down, and my gaze fell to my breasts." Next paragraph: "I looked down, and my gaze fell to my clean-shaven pussy." That's paraphrasing, I know, but the repetitive nature of the statements is a little tedious.

There's a lot of unmotivated movement. For example, why did she go to the window? There was a brief sense of urgency when Mom interrupted her chat with Lucy, and then she's suddenly standing by the window.

Lastly, the dialogue is very wooden. There's a lot of missing punctuation, and the characters don't speak conversationally. They speak like robots. The dialogue tags are mostly pretty basic, too. A lot of ". . . said." Change it up a little bit. Characters can snarl, joke, laugh, cry, yell, grunt, murmur, and whimper. They don't always have to "say."

 

[Cartman94]

Just after the first dozen or so paragraphs, I've noticed you repeat yourself a lot. "We did ______ together. We did _______ together. We did everything together." Then, further along, "I looked down, and my gaze fell to my breasts." Next paragraph: "I looked down, and my gaze fell to my clean-shaven pussy." That's paraphrasing, I know, but the repetitive nature of the statements is a little tedious.

There's a lot of unmotivated movement. For example, why did she go to the window? There was a brief sense of urgency when Mom interrupted her chat with Lucy, and then she's suddenly standing by the window.

Lastly, the dialogue is very wooden. There's a lot of missing punctuation, and the characters don't speak conversationally. They speak like robots. The dialogue tags are mostly pretty basic, too. A lot of ". . . said." Change it up a little bit. Characters can snarl, joke, laugh, cry, yell, grunt, murmur, and whimper. They don't always have to "say."

Thanks for reading. Like I said, I'm currently writing a thrid chapter so I'll try mixing it up a little.