Feedback Wanted: Doing Heather Together

[HotwifeKassie]

This is the first time I have publicly shared an erotic story I wrote and I would really appreciate some feedback:

Doing Heather Together

Thank you!

 

[HotwifeKassie]

Some people are sending me Private Messages. Please post your comments and feedback here instead.

 

[chocolatecookie3]

I think the character's voice was very clear. You had big paragraphs where he is talking or thinking that could be broken up, even if you just put "I said" a few times. You could break up the dialogue with some descriptions of how the other guy is reacting, how the narrator is feeling, etc. The sex scene was wordy and not very hot to me. from a story point, it's good, but I just don't believe the guy is so nonchalant about his wife sleeping with another guy. You should get a guys perspective. Would they focus on how much they love their wife, or would they focus on how hot it would be for them? What I'm saying is the guy sounds like a girl.

 

[RuzieD]

Speaking generally, here are some comments.
1. Whose story is this? Is the husband's story or is this the husband telling the wife's story? both could be equally interesting. I don't know whose sexual journey is more important here.
2. I feel this lacks a little background. Why does the wife consent? Why does the husband fantasize like this? What is the husband and wife's relationship like?
3. Visual descriptions please.
4. There was a lot of summary. I felt like some of the summary could've been drawn into scenes. For instance, what if the husband and wife met one guy, they talk, and the reject him as the third member? That could show the readers a little bit about both of these characters at the same time.

Speaking as a guy, I have trouble with two things. First, he makes a couple "oh that's mystery of womanhood" type comments. However, I think that if he has been married for a few years, he'd be a little bit more in touch with feminine habits, and feminine emotions etc. Secondly, I too had a problem with how nonchalant he is with his wife fucking another guy. I'm not saying that there can't be good reasons why he'd want this, but none of those reasons are shown. Furthermore, even if he and his wife commit down this path he WILL feel jealously at some point and he WILL have figure out how to deal with that.

 

[Dream_Operator]

I initially thought this was a typical cuckold story, but then it abruptly (and awkwardly) changed to a threesome story, with little or no explanation, or reactions from the characters.

And then I read this part:

I could feel the softness of her thighs, warm and wet from her own excitement, and I could feel Bob's erection just barely brushing against mine as we both slid in and out between her legs.

WTF? I didn't know what to make of it at this point.

 

[xingchent]

This is my first time i visit here. I found so many entertaining stuff in your blog, especially its discussion. From the tons of comments on your articles, I guess I am not the only one having all the leisure here! Keep up the good work.
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