Feedback - The Tavern

[Lauranathias]

Hello all;

My submission was finally accepted by the great and powerful moderators at Literotica.com

Here is the first Chapter of a series that I started to create simply called: The Tavern

Chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=38279

Chapter 2
To be posted soon...

I'd like to here your comments and suggestions. Any and all crisitisms are welcome.

Lauranathias

 

[Lauranathias]

The tale unfolds even more as the Warrior and the tavern girl met for a night... Who knows what will be in store for them...

The Tavern Ch. 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=38280

 

[Lauranathias]

I have receieved emails from a few people saying that they enjoy my work. That is all great and fine.. but, lemme ask you a few questions...


1) Where do you see this series going?

2) What would you change (if anything in the first 2 chapters?)

3) What parts in the chapters did you enjoy?

4) What parts in the chapters did you not enjoy?


I enjoy all comments.. and so far I'm liking them. I will be posting Chapter 3 soon enough I hope that you will enjoy it as well.

 

[Chantal Marchon]

Feedback

The depth of detail to the characters was very well done. Some of the words were misspelled- ex. courteously. I didn't see anything that I didn't like although I think the fight in the bar is used too often in other stories. It does seem to go with the territory. Especially when you are writing with a D&D or DragonLance genre. It does make the plot easy though. The fight scene was a little rushed, maybe add something about the girl's emotional outrage before she hits the jerk with the serving tray and something about the warrior's thoughts at this point, their actions are very telling and swift but it needs some increased depth to make that fight scene sparkle.

 

[Lauranathias]

You are right.. the fight scene could of been a little longer.. with a little more detail... If I get to it in a re-write, I will make sure that, that part gets the attention is deserves

I'm glad that you enjoyed it

Chapter 3 is done editing on my part, my co-author should be getting to it soon.

Chapter 4 is done as well.. I just have to edit it.

Keep reading and sending me these comments.. It helps out greatly

Lauranathias

 

[Chantal Marchon]

more feed back

Chapter 2.

Hmm, me thinks you are writing a novel-

anyway, what stuck out to me in this chapter is the fact that the warrior got into a bath tub with an open wound. Sure she put stuff on it, but the description still makes it seem like something that should be stitched and definitely not something you want to bathe with, (hot water would increase blood flow). Actually, watching the warrior put some stitches in it could be an interesting turn on for the waitress. And be a reminder of the graditude she owes the warrior.

Just a thought.

 

[Lauranathias]

Yes, it actually is going to be a novel.. one of many hopefully...

However I cannot take all the credit. For the warrior was written by my faithful friend and kindred spirit. While I am but, the faithful servant

To Answer your question:
I really didn't think about that...
But, If I remember correctly.... I said that it would be a minor scar like the many others that adorned the warrior's body.

 

[Caria Knight]

OK, I've only read chapter 1 so far and here's my thoughts....

The story is very good and nicely set for it's time period. I know I'll enjoy the other chapters when I have the chance to read them.

Out of it, there were only two sentances that really bothered me. First was this...

Taking a deep breath, the warrior took a sip of ale to calm down and continued assessing the men.

My first thought was that the warrior had not yet been served, which she later is by another wench.

And secondly....

slammed it with all her might into the smelly ogre’s head

This bothered me only because of the "period" this is set in. Since in that time period there are Ogre's it didn't seem right to be calling the drunk that.

Just my two cents!

 

[Lauranathias]

I appreciate all 'two cents'

Thank you for your two cents. I am glad that people are taking the time to read it.

1) She took a sip of ale to calm down...

She hasnt been served yet.. you are right...

2) She slammed the tray into the smelly orges head...

I just didn't feel like using Brute one more time...

 

[Caria Knight]

Re: I appreciate all 'two cents'

I just didn't feel like using Brute one more time...

There's a wonderful article here in the Writer's Resources by Whispersecret called Choosing the Right Words http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=8981. In here it's said that no writer should be without a thesaurus, I believe that to be true. As an example of what this article helps to teach. I could take your sentence...

Lauranathias took her tray and slammed it with all her might into the smelly ogre’s head.

And turn it into this...

The wood splintered as her tray crashed against the foul-smelling ruffian’s head.

OK, I hope I'm not coming off as a know-it-all, cause trust me I don't. But I do think this article linked above would greatly improve your writing.

 

[Lauranathias]

Thank you Caria Knight;

I have read the article and you were right it was very useful.

When I get time I shall re-write the Chapter and go over it with the Writers Resource Article as a guide.