Feedback Requested on Proclivities part 4

[Mastered_again]

Part 4 of Proclivities posted. Any thoughts?

https://literotica.com/s/proclivities-pt-04-the-photos

Thank you

 

[RandyPanda]

I didn't read the previous parts , just #4 thinking that I might give some constructive feedback but really there wasn't anything I disliked about the story. You write better than me so it was just enjoyable to read.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I've continued to read your story and have been enjoying it. I was going to give some feedback to parts two and three but have been fairly busy. These are my thoughts - the usual 'just my opinions' and 'my stories have their own equal or far worse problems' caveats apply.

1) This rattled along quickly. At only 4k words it is notably shorter than the the other parts - probably because the posting of the photos is essentially the conclusion to part three. I wondered if it would have been worth sticking parts three and four together. If I'm following correctly, part one was on Friday, part two was on Saturday and both of parts three and four are on the same Sunday. There's not much of a gap from the characters point of view between taking the photos and posting them, so maybe put them together?

2) There was one paragraph that stood out to me "as the growing staccato of heavy rain drops drew our attention, and we watched the sudden deluge, creating a mist over the patio. Beyond it, the wind whipped small white caps on the river and angry dark clouds filled the sky turning the vista monochromatic, until a flash of lightning monetarily illuminated the view, followed by a crash of thunder, vibrating the windows." This is well written, but feels far more verbose than anything else in the story so felt a little out of place.

3) The dialogue during sex is a bit repetative. i get calling her a 'bitch' is George's thing, but there's too many bitches, cocks, fucks and cunts in too short a space for me personally. On the other hand there are no sluts, dicks, or pussies. At least a bit of variety would be good, but also maybe a bit more playfullness in the communication.

4) I mentioned something similar in part one and it was better in part two and three, but the story ends with them about to take a shower together. Initially I was going to say that I assumed the weekend was over and part five would be what happens when they are back at work (or else a time skip to their next date), but then scanning through the story again, I realized I'd lost track of what time it was supposed to be in the story - so maybe there's an evening's entertainment still to be had? Anyway, the ended didn't really set me up for what was next. One the the issues I have with Lit stories is that it's often difficult to tell how long a story is going to be.

5) Both sections of the story were hot, but, and this is a relativly minor thing, the photos and the anal sex were not very strongly connected - obviously a comment from the Internet prompted it, but once the sex starts there's no real reference again to the previous events. Even a reference to how the MC's body image had changed during/after sex or even looking at the photos again after finishing could have tied it together a bit more.

6) This was a fairly static episode in that it took place at home, where we've been before. I mention this because other episodes have had more interesting locations, such as the ball game or waxing parlour. We're also spending time with only the MC and George. Together with the short length, it did give this the impression of being a little less substantial than the other chapters.

7) You've mentioned before that a lot of the story is based on your own personal experiences. If true, then you seem to have been very lucky with a wonderful relationship. That said, as a story, I'm still looking for a bit more drama, either external or internal - at the moment the two main characters are too well aligned, the MC is agreeing to everything very quickly and there's not much tension (though details like her embarrasment in the loo afterwareds are good) at the moment.

 

[Mastered_again]

I've continued to read your story and have been enjoying it. I was going to give some feedback to parts two and three but have been fairly busy. These are my thoughts - the usual 'just my opinions' and 'my stories have their own equal or far worse problems' caveats apply.

1) This rattled along quickly. At only 4k words it is notably shorter than the the other parts - probably because the posting of the photos is essentially the conclusion to part three. I wondered if it would have been worth sticking parts three and four together. If I'm following correctly, part one was on Friday, part two was on Saturday and both of parts three and four are on the same Sunday. There's not much of a gap from the characters point of view between taking the photos and posting them, so maybe put them together?

2) There was one paragraph that stood out to me "as the growing staccato of heavy rain drops drew our attention, and we watched the sudden deluge, creating a mist over the patio. Beyond it, the wind whipped small white caps on the river and angry dark clouds filled the sky turning the vista monochromatic, until a flash of lightning monetarily illuminated the view, followed by a crash of thunder, vibrating the windows." This is well written, but feels far more verbose than anything else in the story so felt a little out of place.

3) The dialogue during sex is a bit repetative. i get calling her a 'bitch' is George's thing, but there's too many bitches, cocks, fucks and cunts in too short a space for me personally. On the other hand there are no sluts, dicks, or pussies. At least a bit of variety would be good, but also maybe a bit more playfullness in the communication.

4) I mentioned something similar in part one and it was better in part two and three, but the story ends with them about to take a shower together. Initially I was going to say that I assumed the weekend was over and part five would be what happens when they are back at work (or else a time skip to their next date), but then scanning through the story again, I realized I'd lost track of what time it was supposed to be in the story - so maybe there's an evening's entertainment still to be had? Anyway, the ended didn't really set me up for what was next. One the the issues I have with Lit stories is that it's often difficult to tell how long a story is going to be.

5) Both sections of the story were hot, but, and this is a relativly minor thing, the photos and the anal sex were not very strongly connected - obviously a comment from the Internet prompted it, but once the sex starts there's no real reference again to the previous events. Even a reference to how the MC's body image had changed during/after sex or even looking at the photos again after finishing could have tied it together a bit more.

6) This was a fairly static episode in that it took place at home, where we've been before. I mention this because other episodes have had more interesting locations, such as the ball game or waxing parlour. We're also spending time with only the MC and George. Together with the short length, it did give this the impression of being a little less substantial than the other chapters.

7) You've mentioned before that a lot of the story is based on your own personal experiences. If true, then you seem to have been very lucky with a wonderful relationship. That said, as a story, I'm still looking for a bit more drama, either external or internal - at the moment the two main characters are too well aligned, the MC is agreeing to everything very quickly and there's not much tension (though details like her embarrasment in the loo afterwareds are good) at the moment.

Thanks for the detailed analysis

I wrote all of Proclivities as one long story. However, for posing on Lit, I thought it better to break it into multiple parts. That way, I'm hoping all of it gets read by those who open it, instead of losing the audience sometime on Saturday in the story if it were posted as a novel/novella. The entire work is 192 pages and 75k words in Word. Problem is deciding where to end each part, but there is more on Sunday night.
Yeah, maybe I was just enjoying the thunderstorm description too much to consider its relevance to the story.
Noted on the dialog, but I am quite verbal during sex. Expanding my vocabulary is under consideration
Temporally, the shower is later Sunday afternoon, so yes, more happens on Sunday and is Part 5. Part 6 is the cold reality of returning to work on Monday
Tension? Spoiler alert - Wait for parts 6 and 7.
Anyway, thanks again