Feedback requested on new BDSM story - "My Dom is Such a Nice Lad"

[TheRedChamber]

Link is here: https://www.literotica.com/s/my-dom-is-such-a-nice-lad

Feedback of any kind is welcome.

I've been told in previous story feedback that my sex scenes were short or else were percieved as being of less interest to me as a writer, so I've been working on fleshing them out a bit more, so it would be good to know how I'm doing with that aspect.

 

[RandyPanda]

I'm halfway through reading it. I think it's funny / ironic the sub is coaxing her dom I don't read much bdsm so that was the first time I have come across it.

 

[yowser]

Thanks for this, a lovely read, original, wry, slyly amusing and thoroughly engaging. Far better, and more literate, than 90% of Lit's offerings. The sex aspects/detail was just fine (haven't read earlier works so cannot compare, but no problems in this one.)

Your characters were appealing, three-dimensional, mostly descriptions were excellent, with a few exceptions, pacing was well executed, the story had room to breathe and your confidence as a writer carried the whole tale forward, bringing the reader along as intrigued company.

But of course, feedback usually calls for some critique, so here goes.

As a reader I had to work a bit too hard in the first few paragraphs to figure out our chap was 'returning' a borrowed lawnmower. Yes, it finally dawned on me, but just mentioning 'return' up front would have saved me some head scratching.

Unlike some readers here, I love detailed descriptions, and a little more early on, with location info, would have made me happier, but here I am not necessarily typical.

Two odd bits stood out, one more major than the other.

While using third person, the POV needs a surer hand. You shifted from Alex in sections 1 and 2 to Lisa in 3 and 4, then (I think) back to Alex in 5.

Mostly this worked, but a couple places in 3 and 4 you strayed into Alex's POV:

So 'Alex suddenly steeled himself.' This dips into his head, and perhaps you meant to say that Lisa noticed this (which would have worked.) You may want to revisit a few of these places to see if you are satisfied yourself. Small but noticeable defects that can confuse a reader.

Your English was UK almost all the time, with the occasional lapse, a 'z' in 'realized.' (I probably notice this stuff more than most, since I'm American but write the occasional UK inflected bit, but it stood out.)

Your comma usage was inconsistent, mostly the serial comma but lots of times not.

I'll append, just because my copy-editing abilities are an addictive albatross, a handful of typos or unclear phrasings, which you probably have already noted, but perhaps not. We all inevitably end up with one or two, but when more start to accumulate it’s time for another review. I think another careful pass through your tale would have eliminated most of them:


Illuminating the scene added a three more key details.

"Isn't it obvious. I got fucked and the robbed, because I'm dumb.

"Yes. I mean, no! I'm mean not bad. Not bad at all." Alex was starting to sweat slightly.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to run off tell Barbara

then held on to her waste.

then next few minutes were spent acquiring the appropriate sources,


Overall, nicely done, and a pleasure to have some humor thrown into the erotic mix. I'll have to read some of your other efforts. Pray continue...

 

[TheRedChamber]

Thanks for this, a lovely read, original, wry, slyly amusing and thoroughly engaging. Far better, and more literate, than 90% of Lit's offerings. The sex aspects/detail was just fine (haven't read earlier works so cannot compare, but no problems in this one.)...

Thanks for the feedback, I reallly appreciate the effort and the level of detail you've put in.

Regarding the POV, I think maybe I got into trouble because I look for overused words and I removed a bunch of 'seemed' from the story shortly before publishing. I can't remember if there was one before 'steeled', but I might have taken it out thinking you could observe, through body language, someone getting ready to do something, but yeah, reading it again, it looks bads. I'll have a read through later to see whatelse I missed in that regard. I could have sworn I already corrected the 'waste' typo (as it's quite bad), but there it is. Maybe I used the word twice and only caught one of them.

For the lawnmower, it would have been very easy to add the word 'return' somewhere into the first couple of paragraphs. I did establish that we have someone moving a lawnmower from one neighbour to another, and I assumed that would be enought to figure out the context (although it could be Mrs Rochdale asking to borrow their lawnmower)

I'm halfway through reading it. I think it's funny / ironic the sub is coaxing her dom I don't read much bdsm so that was the first time I have come across it.

Glad you are enjoying it so far. If you have any more feedback once you've finished (if you do), I'd been very happy to hear it.

 

[RandyPanda]

I finished the story. Since I'm new to writing I can't make detailed criticism like yowser. For example I wasn't bothered by the "Who's lawnmower?" because it eventually came out in the story. Nor was I particularly bothered by who's head space the POV was... EXCEPT.... I think I would have liked a little more of Lisa's head space at the point of break up / the end. She obviously knew they couldn't keep the relationship going and he wasn't really into the lifestyle anyway so I wanted to know what her closure might be. After all the title of the story is from her point of view. She coerced him into it seemingly right up to the end (the vanilla comment) so I wanted to know her closing thoughts or what she might move on to....?

 

[TheRedChamber]

I think I would have liked a little more of Lisa's head space at the point of break up / the end. She obviously knew they couldn't keep the relationship going and he wasn't really into the lifestyle anyway so I wanted to know what her closure might be. After all the title of the story is from her point of view. She coerced him into it seemingly right up to the end (the vanilla comment) so I wanted to know her closing thoughts or what she might move on to....?

That's a very good point and one that I'd thought about while writing the story. In my original conception I had Alex joining his university's (obviously unofficial) BDSM club and providing contacts for Lisa for good young guys. However, as I wrote the ending, Alex shifted more and more towards a strictly vanilla stance and so even being a club-member or club-adjacent didn't feel right. I also considered mentioning that she was already looking for someone else, but given her experiences on-line I still wasn't sure she was ready for that either. So, maybe she didn't end up getting much clear closure. The character may return, I'm playing with some ideas for everyone at the moment.

I guess the ending could have worked equally well (or better) if I'd written it from her point-of-view and showed more of what she really felt about the break-up (although I think what she says does more or less represent her true feelings) - I thought it was more dramatic having Alex emotionally go through the difficulty of breaking-up with someone.

 

[RandyPanda]

Definitely having Alex go through the break up was a good choice and I wouldn't change that.

I guess you're right we can see Lisa's feelings about the break up. I think I'm just a bit sappy, I feel like she was left hanging. I wanted her to have something or someone to go on with but relationships aren't always clean cut

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I really liked this. Some excellent humour and lines (not wanting to wait for pizza delivery!) and nice to have a familiar British environment and brand names and all, though some odd Americanisms like 'dorm' crept in.

The story was nicely plotted and paced and I liked that he didn't magically become a dom nor necessarily want that with his new girlfriend, but he got more confident in realistic ways.

There were quite a few typos and things like B'n'Q which should be B&Q, but that's fixable - you know how to write clearly. My only suggestion would be what Stephen King apparently always says, do an edit trying to remove 10% of the words, to tighten it all up. There were several places where you could lose a few boring words like 'she said' because it's obvious when you say 'after she got out of the shower.'

I do now feel rather self-conscious as a woman of Lisa's age and how I might come across to young lads at a munch or elsewhere, but that's not your fault. FWIW there certainly used to be informal BDSM clubs at certain prestigious unis...

 

[TheRedChamber]

I really liked this. Some excellent humour and lines (not wanting to wait for pizza delivery!) and nice to have a familiar British environment and brand names and all, though some odd Americanisms like 'dorm' crept in.

Thanks for positive feedback.

In my defence I've been working in an international educational environment for nearly twenty years now and saying 'dorm' nearly everyday.

The story was nicely plotted and paced and I liked that he didn't magically become a dom nor necessarily want that with his new girlfriend, but he got more confident in realistic ways.

The moment when I releaized this was the point where the story seemed to get its heart.

There were quite a few typos and things like B'n'Q which should be B&Q, but that's fixable - you know how to write clearly. My only suggestion would be what Stephen King apparently always says, do an edit trying to remove 10% of the words, to tighten it all up. There were several places where you could lose a few boring words like 'she said' because it's obvious when you say 'after she got out of the shower.'

I've been doing work trying to remove repeated words in my stories ('seemed to', and 'she/he paused' being the worst offenders). For my next story I'll see what can be removed entirely.

I do now feel rather self-conscious as a woman of Lisa's age and how I might come across to young lads at a munch or elsewhere, but that's not your fault. FWIW there certainly used to be informal BDSM clubs at certain prestigious unis...

I did wonder when I was reviewing the final chapter if I should put more (flattering) descriptions of Lisa in and a little bit more lust from Alex's point of view. I ended up sticking with the 'fitting in' and with idea that he was more smitten with his new girl-friend, but maybe should have made it clear that she was still hot somehow.

Regarding the BDSM clubs, so I understand, though unfortunately I was never invited to those sorts of parties.

I was originally going to have something like:

"I've become a member of of university's BDSM club."
"Your university has a BDSM club?"
"Please, how many Conservative MPs do you think went to Oxford? And you think we don't have a BDSM club? Not official of course but dating back hundred's of years and with some very famous members."
"I think I've heard of that. The Bullingdon club or something. David Cameron was a member."
"Nah, that's the sexual assault club. This one's a lot more chill."

Alas the story went in a different direction and ended up being set in 2000.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Thanks for positive feedback.

In my defence I've been working in an international educational environment for nearly twenty years now and saying 'dorm' nearly everyday.



The moment when I releaized this was the point where the story seemed to get its heart.



I've been doing work trying to remove repeated words in my stories ('seemed to', and 'she/he paused' being the worst offenders). For my next story I'll see what can be removed entirely.



I did wonder when I was reviewing the final chapter if I should put more (flattering) descriptions of Lisa in and a little bit more lust from Alex's point of view. I ended up sticking with the 'fitting in' and with idea that he was more smitten with his new girl-friend, but maybe should have made it clear that she was still hot somehow.

Regarding the BDSM clubs, so I understand, though unfortunately I was never invited to those sorts of parties.

I was originally going to have something like:

"I've become a member of of university's BDSM club."
"Your university has a BDSM club?"
"Please, how many Conservative MPs do you think went to Oxford? And you think we don't have a BDSM club? Not official of course but dating back hundred's of years and with some very famous members."
"I think I've heard of that. The Bullingdon club or something. David Cameron was a member."
"Nah, that's the sexual assault club. This one's a lot more chill."

Alas the story went in a different direction and ended up being set in 2000.

Nah - as soon as you get into 'society dating back 100s of years' it sounds like Dan Brown bollocks. More like multiple instances of people meet at a local munch, get more friends involved, probably a couple different groups running at the same time and spontaneously generating then dying out a couple years later. I'm talking about up to 2000 - there's probably Fetlife groups by now.

The wannabe Tory MPs would be too repressed to go, though. I've had a couple colleagues who did PPE with Cameron and friends, and said the course was excellent but 70% of the students were total wankers who just wanted to be politicians...

 

[TheRedChamber]

Nah - as soon as you get into 'society dating back 100s of years' it sounds like Dan Brown bollocks. More like multiple instances of people meet at a local munch, get more friends involved, probably a couple different groups running at the same time and spontaneously generating then dying out a couple years later. I'm talking about up to 2000 - there's probably Fetlife groups by now.

That's probably the more realistic way of doing it and it was just a throwaway line anyway. Oxbridge tends to run on tradition though so, while hundreds of years might be a stretch, you can have self-sustaining societies which last a long time and end up with a certain sense of history.

The wannabe Tory MPs would be too repressed to go, though. I've had a couple colleagues who did PPE with Cameron and friends, and said the course was excellent but 70% of the students were total wankers who just wanted to be politicians...

Sounds familiar...