Feedback request

[Erotic_Bard]

Hello! I posted my first story to Literotica yesterday and would like to hear some constructive criticism.

Story Title: The Pupil
Author Name: Erotic_Bard
Story Type: Group Sex/Romantic
Story Location: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=182338

Thanks for any feedback!
Erotic_Bard

 

[Erotic_Bard]

Hmmm... so was it THAT bad?

 

[davidwatts]

Hello Mr. Bard,

You seemed to be a person in need of feedback so I read your story. Please discount the fact that I am in the midst of a most happy happy hour.

My evaluation, for what it is worth.


Bravo. A job well done. The story is well constructed and has a number of interesting twists that kept my interest.

My only critique would be the massive member theme, but then again that may be only my modest wanker speaking. Welcome to the fold.

 

[flyer333]

feedback

Well written. Keep posting. The lurkers will let you know how well you are doing.

 

[Erotic_Bard]

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate them.

And just so you know, it's Ms. Bard.

 

[davidwatts]

oops

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate them.

And just so you know, it's Ms. Bard.

My bad Ms. Bard, I should have checked the profile. If you think about it, that's actually another compliment, because you wrote well from the male POV. Wait, is that a compliment?

 

[Erotic_Bard]

Yes, I do take it as a compliment. When I started writing the story I wasn't sure if it was going to turn out well because I was trying to write from the male point of view.

Obviously, it's easier for me from the female perspective (see my other stories once they're published) but sometimes trying more difficult challenges makes it more rewarding.

And regarding the 'large member' theme. I just re-read the story with that in mind and I can see what you mean. I think I'm guilty of that in several of my stories. It's something I'll have to be more aware of with future stories.

Thanks!
-Erotic Bard

 

[goro goro]

Well written story indeed. I especially liked the humor and the well-paced dialogue. My favourite scene is the dancing hall confession - naughty in a playful way. The thing I didn't like as much was the hurried last sex scene, in which too many surprising sex acts happen in a row without a pause. You should have slowed it down a bit; maybe add a little more dialogue or description. Besides that little problem, it's a great story.

 

[Erotic_Bard]

goro goro, thanks for the tips. I'll be sure to work on slowing things down, or at least leaving some pauses for breathing room.

Thanks!
Erotic_Bard

 

[Rainbow Skin]

This is well done, and has good pacing and characterization. I gave it a 5. My one little complaint is that some of the dialogue is stilted: but now that I go back and look for clear specific examples, all I can find is "No one would know you're the best professor of English Lit in the entire state." But as I read it I felt some of the words were more 'written' than spoken.

 

[spyro1123]

very nice

I loved it the first time i read it in the new catagory and i liked it alot rereading it.

My only complaints are more personal preferance things. I like just a bit more discription of the actual sex. What people are feeling as it happens, tastes, textures, emotions ect. I go quite a bit overboard with it in my own storys and usualy need to be reined in a bit. I did like the urgency of their actuall coupling but i would love to know more about what he felt, or she felt.

I also thought the bit with her roomate either needed to be the start of a new story or made longer. It would be a nice contrast to have them take things a little slower.

anyway it got a 5 from me too

spyro

 

[Hotcappucino]

Very nice story, you wrote a good extension of the teacher/student plot by involving the roommate.

The scene on the dance floor was my favorite scene as well, good dialog and pacing.

A few minor/careless mistakes in spelling, punctuation and grammar. Some examples:

Use "who" instead of "that" in this sentence:
She had taken 4 years off after graduating high school to take care of her sick father that had passed away the year before.

And some really hot ones which huge tits!
"which" should be "with"

The semicolon in this sentence should be a comma:
Her tone became a bit more serious as she said; "I've also fantasized about taking you to my bed, and making love to you for hours.

Tenara's apartment was a quick 15 minute drive away…unless a major car wreck occurred forcing traffic to stop completely with no way off the interstate.
I think "except" would have been a better word to use than "unless."

You capitalized "Summer Term" in one sentence of this paragraph but not in the other ones (i.e., be consistent):
It was a week after final grades had been mailed and the normal school year was over. Summer term started in two weeks, but most students avoided summer term like the plague. That was only for die-hard academics and morons who couldn't pass their courses the first time. Brad didn't agree with the student's assessment of Summer Term, but was always grateful for the smaller class sizes.
___

I have a general suggestion to expand the vocabulary in the story. That is, there are some words that are used a little too much or close together.

For example, the words "lingered" or "lingering" are used very often (seven times) for such a short story, especially towards the beginning where it appears three times within a span of two paragraphs:

Brad blinked, finally noticing that Ms. Guillermo had noticed his lingering stare and was returning it, her green eyes boring into his own. He lingered just a moment longer, and then continued his scan of the room. After a moment, from the corner of his eye, he saw her bend back over her test.

Not surprisingly, Tenara was the first to finish the exam. As she left her work on Brad's lab table, she gave him a soft, lingering smile that made his stomach tremble a bit. He politely nodded at her and watched her leave the classroom. He picked up her exam and pretended to be checking her work, as his eyes watched her skirt flow about her calves as she walked away from him.


As another example, "smile" or "smiled" is used a little too often in these two paragraphs:
Brad waited on Tenara's doorstop, having just rung her doorbell. He could hear her walking on the tiled floor and smiled - she wasn't going to keep him waiting. Tenara opened the door and smiled at him. Her smile was warm, wide and very inviting.

"You look stunning," he breathed before he could stop himself. He blushed a bit, but he saw her smile widen and a bit of red creep into her cheeks as well.


And "moved" is used four times in three sentences in this paragraph:
They moved to the dance floor and awkwardly moved closer. After a few songs, they moved well together and became much more comfortable. They unconsciously moved closer, talking in low voices.

Try something like this:
Brad led Tenara to the dance floor, and they awkwardly came together. After a few songs, they got the hang of it and became more comfortable with each other. The two unconsciously moved closer, talking in low voices.

Other words I think are over-used in the story:
rasped (try whispered, exhaled, grunted, gasped, etc.)
grasped (think about using grabbed, gripped, held, fondled, etc.).
___

Other, miscellaneous things:

To me, the dialog in the car, on the way back to Tenara's apartment, was too "porn-movie"-ish. I realize that Tenara asked Brad to "speak dirty" to her, but it seemed to come a little too easily to him.

This sentence (maybe it's the word "No" at the beginning) makes it sound like Tanara is answering a question of Brad's, but we don't see what Brad has asked:
"No, I have a roommate, but she's out of town for the weekend."

This sentence conjures up some interesting imagery:
He pulled her naked breasts against his chest ... Ouch!
I might re-write those first two sentences this way:
He followed her into the shower. He pulled her into his arms, feeling her naked breasts pressing against his chest, and trapping his bulging penis against her stomach.

I would liked to have seen more detail in the erotic scenes, especially in the ones that occur in Tenara's apartment. For example, the scene where Brad eats Tenara out after their shower just seemed too brief and casually mentioned. Also, some more detail on what Tenara is experiencing would be nice.

In my opinion, the exaggerations are a little over the top:
He watched her going down, hoping she could take it all - no woman ever had.

Brad's stamina, while normally over-average, was astounding this night and he delighted his partner for a good 3 hours before they slipped off to sleep...
While every man dreams he's Super Stud, again I'd try to make the character more relatable to the average reader.

To me, there seemed to be a discrepancy in Brad's sexual experience. That is, when he was in the pub talking to Phil, I got the idea that he was very selective about whom he slept with. But towards the end of the story, I had the impression that he was much more experienced than I thought. And that might be part of a bigger issue of not really knowing what Brad's character is like. That is, we get some of Tenara's background at the beginnning of the story, but other than his age and the fact that he's a biology professor, we don't know much about Brad.

I know the story is set in the US, but for some reason, this story has a British feel to it. Maybe my imagination.

Anyway, good story. My main suggestion would be to flesh out the erotic details a little more.