Feedback Request for my first story

[DrRKane]

I just published my first story . It's my first attempt at erotica of any sort, and though the reviews are pretty good so far, I haven't gotten any comments. It's a mind control story, so if anyone would like to read and provide some feedback, I'd appreciate it greatly.

Story is https://www.literotica.com/s/mental-domination-ch-01-ex-boss

 

[AlinaX]

Ah. Car wreck. A classic start...

Tenses need a little more care in places.

I'd probably write it in a less linear fashion. Maybe switch to first person and start at the jewellers:

It takes a surprising effort of will to enter the jewelry store. I worked there a few years ago. Hated it. The manager, Alice, is a real bitch. Her sister, Gina, too. The two of them made me miserable the entire time I worked there, and I've avoided the place ever since. But... I'm bored, and I certainly harbor a grudge. Seeing Alice inside, at her desk behind the counter, I smile with the cruelty of anticipated vengeance, and enter.

Try not to overexplain things:

"Dave," she said with what I knew to be a fake smile and artificial cheer, "what brings you in?"

Instead:

"Dave," she said, her smile fake, her cheeriness artificial. "What brings you in?"

Struggling with the idea of 36D breasts requiring a monster bra, but this is unintentionally the funniest thing I've read in ages:

her nipples were thick and hard standing proudly at attention a good ½ inch from her breasts.

There's a basic problem with mind control stories. Is the thrill in being able to reduce someone to an unquestioning slave? Or is it in being able to manipulate people into doing what they understand is wrong and will likely regret later? The latter is harder to write, for sure, but far more interesting in my opinion.

I think you need to make it clearer from the start that Alice may be a bitch, but she's a hot bitch. You hated her - but often fantasised about ramming your hard etc. etc. I often tell writers that their aim should be to seduce the reader. Don't just waltz into the shop and turn a woman into an unthinking slut; make the reader want you to go into that shop and turn that woman into thinking slut. Let the reader enjoy both the cruel vengeance and the helpless degradation.

 

[AimEnigmaClick]

A very good first story; much better than me when I started. Some of it feels a bit robotic. I think you should try to show more emotion in the characters, especially in their actions.

I'd also definitely make the paragraphs shorter. For some reason, it is aesthetically pleasing on the eyes of those who are reading from a screen to have smaller paragraphs. It makes the story look less daunting and easier to read.

Great first story though! Keep up the good work!

 

[RoperTrace]

Outstanding first effort! Wow, you show great potential. Left a comment on the story. RT

 

[countdowntolov3]

I liked your story. I'm going to provide some critique now. But don't think this means I didn't enjoy it.

I appreciated your utilitarian setup. It's a short story so the roughly three paragraphs you devoted to the setup before the mc enters the shop felt about right to me. However, by the third paragraph of tell-don't-show I was getting a little bored. I think that in the third paragraph where you are describing how the mc used their powers you could start to add some flavor. Maybe instead of "I used my abilities to get my hospital bills taken care of" you could do something like, "While she was taking my pulse, the attending physician found herself considering the idea of doing more pro bono work." Something like that. It's not too many more words invested, and starts to ease the reader into being told a story.

I agree with the above commentator that says sometimes your writing comes off a little "robotic." Though the descriptor I'd use is, "procedural." I wish I had good advice here. But I don't. I struggle in this area too. Things that sometimes kinda work for me are breaking up the procedural bits with character reactions or other descriptive bits, or asking myself if the reader really needs to know this bit of minutia.

Alice as a character does not really work for me. I think the problem is that you don't sell that Alice is a bitch. You tell us she's a bitch, which is an okay start. But the only really bitchy thing she does is give the mc a fake smile. This, in my view, is not enough of a social crime to make me want to see her "brought down" by the mc. Which I assume is the appeal of her being a bitch. Also, once the sex begins Alice is highly pleasant and agreeable. As a woman, I can assure you that when I'm wrestling with mixed emotions at the same time my clothes are coming off, I am a hair trigger from bitch mode. Consider the idea that when women are "bitches" to men, it is almost always a defense mechanism of some sort. (Yes this is a shitty way to talk about women but obviously this is a male porn fantasy. We're well within genre here.)

As a woman I may not be your target audience. But if I am, I want to provide the feedback that Alice's orgasms felt unearned. In particular her first orgasm that came very quickly from penetration alone. Now, you can dismiss this feedback if you want. I understand, "my dick is magic and makes women cum all by itself" is a legit male fantasy. But I think you're missing an opportunity to play with the mind control theme. For me, Alice's unrealistic (yes, every woman is different but let's be honest here) hair trigger orgasms would be more interesting if you suggested the mc was using his powers to push her into cuming when she otherwise might not.

Hope that was helpful and not too mean. I did like the story and found the prose clean and readable. I also appreciated your take on mind control as a more limited power and how you efficiently created some sexual tension in a short story by having Alice succumb quickly, but not instantly, to the mc's powers.

 

[Bareskinny]

Just my personal preferences... you tend to "tell" the story instead of "showing" it. I really love stories that show me what's going on and then allow me to "fill in the gaps" as to what happened. Showing a story makes for longer writing, but creates shorter paragraphs, and will pull a reader into the tale. For example...

I'm not sure exactly how it happened. I was in a car wreck, had some head trauma that necessitated a fairly long hospital stay, but as I recovered, I discovered that I'd developed an ability that pretty much defies explanation. As long as I'm in physical contact with someone, I can influence their thoughts. Weird right? It's not like full-on mind control. I can't just turn someone into a zombie, but as long as I'm touching them, I can make suggestions and then, for lack of a better description, push the thought onto them. I can feel their resistance as I do it. The more foreign the thought or the more it's against their nature, the harder I have to push to make it happen, and sometimes it's just too much.

Here's how I would rewrite that...

When I opened my eyes, I had no idea where I was. This wasn't my bedroom, nor my house, nor any room I could recognize. I found myself in a gurney, with wires and tubes going into me.


"How are you feeling Dave?" a voice said to me.


I looked to my right and saw a woman wearing medical scrubs and smiling at me.


"Good afternoon! Do you remember what happened? Do you know where you are?"


I shook my head.


"Well, you're at Tanner General Hospital, and you were in a pretty bad car accident. We had to insert a stent to drain some fluid in your cranial cavity and then induce you into a coma."


"A coma?" I thought to myself. Thoughts were running through my head.


"I'll notify Dr. Dubrow that you're awake and get your meds. Is there anything I can get you?"


The nurse touched my hand and waited for my reply. All I could think of was how long was I in a coma. How long have I been here?


"Oh... I bet you're wondering how long you were out." the nurse spoke. "Let's see, you came in on the 19th, and today's the 26th, so seven days? Yeah, quite some time."


I cleared my throat and tried to speak.


"Seven days?"


"Yeah, it was a pretty bad accident. They had to life-flight you here!"


My mind raced. I was so confused.


"Is there anything else I can get you?" she asked, putting her hand on me again.


I thought to myself how much I love to get a drink of water. I mean, a cup filled with ice and a full of pitcher of water!


"Oh, I bet you'd like some water right now." the nurse spoke. "I'll get you a cup of ice and water, how about that?"


Whoa! Okay... It's like she can read my mind!

 

[DrRKane]

Thanks for the feedback folks. I appreciate you taking the time and I've put some thought into what's been said here.

I agree that I'm a bit linear, a bit direct. The first story is very brief and I think I skipped a few details trying to jump right into the action. Part 2 was published today (though I submitted an edit this evening to correct a few typos I noticed after I hit publish the other night), and I think I managed to give you a little more into the motivations and personalities of everyone involved and spend a little more time on showing rather than telling.