Feedback request for light lezdom story!

[Jackie.Hikaru]

Hi everybody!
Just published my story Rika's Menagerie.
If you're into BDSM, butt plugs, and/or lactation, would love to hear your critique of my story! I'm a neophyte when it comes to BDSM, but I love writing fantasies around the topic. If that's your thing, I'm super interested to hear what you liked, what you didn't like about my story.
Also would love to hear any critique of my writing / storytelling technique as well. Thanks!

 

[AwkwardlySet]

While you will likely get a few responses from non AH readers, this forum is not nearly as visited as AH in my experience. I suppose you wanted regular reader's critique, otherwise posting this in AH would bring a lot more responses

 

[yowser]

Thanks for this, really a splendid story.

Two caveats for my critique following: I'm not especially in the BDSM arena, so comments are reflective of those mentioned in your last line. And I am an unusually fussy reader/critic, so please understand my apparent nit-picking at the end is exactly that, minor points in what is overall a special narrative.

Many excellent characteristics to your tale: vibrant descriptive phrasings, establishing the setting vividly and clearly, strong emotional tones to your narrator, the sex is exquisite in its detail and tone. Well paced, lovely ratcheting up of tension and arousal, an ending with lots of potential.

Like most stories here (mine included) this could do with some paring. I suspect you could slice out 20% of this and have a tighter more focused tale without any loss of detail. (This is far longer than most stories I tend to read here, so the fact that you held my interest throughout is an indication of your skill.)

The beginning is extremely well done, setting the scene quickly and economically. The only technical criticism is that the description of Rika would have been even better if portrayed in action scenes. Your narrator is quite perceptive, noting details of interest - be fun if Rika was revealed more through actions at the firm and not just an introductory physical description (which you do very well.)

The pacing is lovely: you capture the newness of the narrator to her surroundings and workplace, having her blow off steam by running is wonderful counterpoint to the main story, breaks things up and is a wonderful touch. The crescendo is well earned and the conclusion to the natural arc you've established. Your use of metaphor is striking and welcome.

Now the nitpicky stuff:

Overuse of adverbs (got annoying, actually): haughtily invited, walked hurryingly, smirked gleefully, seriously and ambitiously focused, walked tenderly, clenched nervously

I think you could find methods to convey the adverbial sense in much better ways.

I am also a fan of alliteration, but a little goes a long way. Your story would benefit with just a little more restraint (she was adorned with bountiful breasts that protruded prodigiously from her chest. etc.)

One paragraph was a little too precious, this could be dialed back:

It took a month before I would have my first conversation with her, but when that conversation happened, it would launch me on a course I would never guess I would take in a million years.

We don't really need to be told this, maybe a little less obvious hint would be better.

Physical descriptions of the internal sort (My heart was beating fast. Sweat collected on my brow. Heat prickled my cheeks.) other examples sprinkled throughout, these would be improved if just a bit more oblique (can you do the show-not-tell business with some of these, if nothing else to break up the straight out reveal?)

Finally there was one clunker of a line from Rika. 'This is rookie stuff.' Maybe a dom would say this (others more accustomed to the scene can chime in) but it grated on my nerves, really the only piece of dialogue that did so.

Overall, a sensuous arousing story, with unusually high standards of writing. Congratulations on a well told tale, and all the evidence suggests you will just get better and better.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

@yowser, thanks so much for your very thoughtful critique. That was truly wonderful.
Going to keep these as notes for my next story!

 

[yowser]

@yowser, thanks so much for your very thoughtful critique. That was truly wonderful.
Going to keep these as notes for my next story!

A superior read, really, I hope you hear something from those in 'the scene.'