Feedback Please

[cookiejar]

Please read my stories and give me feedback. I know they are rough and kind of corny but I'm branching out......trying an orgy and I just wrote a story with a friend that has yet to be posted.

I want to get really down and dirty with my new stories , I consider each story a learning experience.


Thanx for any help you can give me.

cookie

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You didn't say which particular story you wanted comment on, so I just picked "My Special Man".

You do need help, with punctuation especially. Right at the beginning you've got weird things: a space at the end of a sentence before a period, no space after a comma, things like that. There should always be a space after each. Those errors alone would have driven me off if I hadn't been determined to read the piece.

You also have trouble with paragraphing. Paragraphs help in organizing the story visually and by meaning and help control the overall flow. Usually a paragraph deals with one subject or occurance. In your first paragraph you go all the way from introducing the topic through what you wore through being picked up and going out to eat. Each of these should be in a paragraph by itself.

You write for the most part in present tense, which in itself is not necessarily wrong, but is doesn't really jibe with your claim that this is a story about something that really happened. Present tense gives a piece a dreamy, fantasy feel. Then you commit the sin of switching every so often into past tense, then back to present. Not allowed.

My main problem is with the sex itself though. You tell us what happened, but it's just not a very vivid picture. Very few adjectives, very limited description of the sights and sounds and feelings. The result is that the sex comes out kind of dead and dry. "He did this and then he did that. I kissed his this and then sucked his that." Since the sex acts themselves are nothing new or novel, you've got to bring them alive through attention to detail and imaginative description that makes the scene vivid. This is how you make a sex scene hot and alive.

I'd try to read as much good stuff as i could if I were you, and see if you can pick out exactly what it is that makes a sex scene hot. I'll bet it will turn out to be an image or an unusally vivid description. Often a little seemingly silly detail can bring a scene to life: the sound a bed makes hitting the wall as two people make love, the expression on his face when he comes, the feel of sweat rolling down your body or the way your hair hangs in your face. Concrete detail that can tell the reader so much about what the characters are experiencing and draw the reader into the picture. You want your readers to be able to see and hear and smell and taste as much as possible.

Hope this helps, and keep it up.

---dr.M.

 

[cookiejar]

Thank you for your feedback , interestingly enough you picked my first story. You hit on the problems I have always had when I write. When I was in college I wrote a lot , but my punctuation , paragraphing , and spacing always tripped me up.

Tenses always get to me too but I'm hoping to work on that also. I want to keep on writing , mainly because I have fun with it and use it as a stress reliever.

I will work on description and yes you are right , they are dry and kind of old. I will work on "jazzing" up the sex in my future writings.

Thank you again and back to the drawing board!


cookiejar