Feedback please?

[the_bragis]

Feedback, please?

Hello people,

I would really appreciate constructive, but please, gentle feedback on a series of 'pony girl' stories/chapters I have written. There are three so far, but they are all relatively short.

As I plan to continue with these, I am particularly interested in receiving ideas and comments which may help with both the writing, and content in the future.

I respect and understand bdsm isn't to everyone's taste, however these are really quiet mild, so if you can spare the time and a thought, on any or all of these stories, I would really appreciate it.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

Pony Girl 1
Pony Girl 2
Pony Girl 3

 

[Cooksie]

I have to say that I do not go for BDSM stories, so I can't comment on how erotic, etc. the stories may be. I will say, however, that the pony girl theme struck me as creative and intriguing. Plus, I thought you did a great job of maintaining the pony girl image, using vebs like "reared up" and giving our heroine some of the mannerisms of a horse like shaking her head. Nice.

You may want to proof the stories again. I won't detail every typo, but for example: "had carefully tucked into her panties" needs "had it" or "tucked it," and "plus her kept" should be keep, "reigns" is spelled "reins"

Story 1

I was a little confused through the first few paragraphs of who "he" was referring to. There seemed to be two people, perhaps because there were also two jobs being talked about.

She had actually forgot[en] about her tail

I wouldn't really know, but this struck me as unlikely. Getting used to it might be a better description?

He was an experienced cowboy, used to dealing with the agility of wild horses.

I liked this sentence and it's actually quite fine just the way it is, but I thought it'd be nice if you took the metaphor one step closer - the prep phrase and plural noun distance the association to our heroine a bit, so perhaps "used to dealing with a spirited mare" or something?


Story 2

Yipes! What happened with all those men standing around our heroine? I don't think it is necessary to describe the whole scene, and actually, leaving it to the reader's imagination can be a good thing Still, the expectation of hearing about it was set up by the way Story 1 ended... perhaps ending it with a brief description of what our heroine was expecting and/or her feelings, etc. would clue the reader and help to turn any disappointment at not getting the details into eagerness, and make for a smooth flow into the summary account you give later?

"Get down on your hands and knees girl" he ordered, pointing his leather crop to the floor in front of her as he spoke.

Occassionally, there are places where you use unneeded phrases like here with "as he spoke" - we know he's speaking from the quote and "he ordered" - an economy of words, I think, helps make the images more vivid, and here it's the image of him pointing the crop that should stick in the reader's mind.

She needed to be taken down the dressage shed.

Is this correct usage? I thought dressage referred to the arena portion of a three-day event where controlled gaits, turns, etc. are judged (horse/rider union being the emphasis). Perhaps tack room or "taken to the groom(s)" is more appropriate?


Story 3

This one, I felt, flowed the best. I think this is because most or all of the descriptions and thoughts are focused on the action taking place, and not diverted to the previous night or other tangential things. The characters were also portrayed especially well here.

"Stay," he told her,"

Would "Stand" be the correct horse terminology?

But that folks, is a whole new story...

This is the same sentence that you ended the previous story with, which I feel has the reverse effect than I think you want, i.e. as the reader, I am thinking back to the last story, not forward to the next.

 

[the_bragis]

Thank you

Hello Cooksie,

Thank you, this is exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for, concise, without slice.

Yes, I will recheck my work. I always feel like the munchkin calling the midget short, when I give feedback, and comment on typos and such in other people's stories. I do check and re-check, but it's just so hard to proof read my own work. It's like my brain tells me what should be there, not what's really there.

What happened to the men standing around? Well after I submitted that story, I found I just didn't feel comfortable writing about a group sex situation. I know you're probably thinking that's ridiculous. Well, I'm thinking you're probably right.

Yes, the third story does have a better flow. I had help from an experience author with that one, Lady Phoenix, although I did do the final edit, so any typos and such are mine not hers.

Again, thank you, and if I can return the favour I will.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

 

[M.A.Thompson]

Alex, you are always so kind in replying to my posts, how could I not reply to yours?

As I am sure you know from my stories, I am quite the vanilla writer - sappy love stories and that sort of nonsense – so please bare with me as I give you feedback on yours. Like Cooksie, I do agree that the idea of the Pony Girl is an interesting one and it did get my curiosity up where some other forms of BDSM might not have.

Also, like her, I am noticing my share of typos as well: (reindeers) reindeer is a plural form, no need for the ‘s’; occasionally some (of) their women ; well paid (paying) job . Those are just a few but there are more, making the read a bit distracting for me. There are also a few comma errors that are jumping out, those that are missing in places as well as some that do not belong where you put them.

The only other negative thing that is sticking out as I read on is that there are many places where your sentences are short and choppy and could be combined with others to make a more interesting, smoother flowing read.

For example:

The next thing she knew he was behind her. Kneeling between her legs, his hard cock was pressing against her cunt.

The next thing she knew he was behind her, kneeling between her legs with his hard cock pressing against her cunt.

But I am not here to pick on you!!!

The story, I find, is actually pretty hot, even for old vanilla flavored me!! It kept my attention, even through the typos, and it moved along nicely. I like where you started the story also, with some of the action already taken place. It kept me reading and wondering; “Hmmm, how did she get that tail shoved up her ass anyway? What was that like?” It will get me to read the next parts, which I have not yet.

I liked Pony Girl, herself. I do not understand her motivation as I am not into that scene, but thanks to your simple yet consise character development, I liked her nonetheless. I especially liked the cowboy. I loved his dialog…

"Well look what we got here boys, we got ourselves a pony girl!"

"I've been breaking in ponies for over ten years now. I've yet to come across one I can't train to my ways."

"Only good little pony girls get sugar."

Nice work Alex!! Edit yourself a little better and try to ease those sentences into one another a little more and you got some nice stuff there.

I look forward to reading on and taking another ride with the ‘Pony Girl’

 

[Octavian]

Re pony girl

I can only echo the comments of Cooksie.
The subject matter was new to me (what a sheltered life I must have had) and I would normally have passed by without stopping.
But, having read the first story I was compelled to read the other two. It is a very interesting concept and it is well written, too.
I am intrigued to see how far Alex can take it.
I suppose the Melbourne Cup is a horse race too far!


----------------------------
I'm terrifically popular; if I had any friends you could ask them!

 

[Cooksie]

It's like my brain tells me what should be there, not what's really there.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean and it happens all the time to me. One trick that helps me when proofing is to read through the story backwards - which is awkward enough that I'm forced to look at the words on the page instead the ones in my mind.


PS M.A.: I, uh, am actually male. Just so there's no confusion :b I know, the nick sounds fem, but... *shrug* (it was inspired by Rock Me Right by Susan Tedeschi, which I always found just a thumpin' good song)

 

[kristydoll]

I read all three as well, and enjoyed them thoroughly.

You are correct, as far as bdsm goes, they are mild, but I think that works here in these chapters. As others have commented, pony girls may not have been their experienced reading, but you wrote these chapters in such a way to keep them reading. That in itself is well done!

Your main character (Tigerpet) is a good one and will allow you to continue further. Perhaps now that you have hooked your readers with her, you can go deeper into the whole ponygirl aspect.

Am sure you are headed in a wonderful direction and I look forward to reading more.

kristy

 

[M.A.Thompson]

PS M.A.: I, uh, am actually male. Just so there's no confusion :b I know, the nick sounds fem, but... *shrug* (it was inspired by Rock Me Right by Susan Tedeschi, which I always found just a thumpin' good song)

Cooksie, please accept my appologies. It was wrong of me to assume your sex based on your name!!!!

 

[Singularity]

Pony Girl Story 3

Helllo alex,

I only read one of the stories (#3). Echoing the earlier comments about the relative ease of seeing what I call "word bumps" in what others write while they remain completely obscured to yourself, I think all writers have that problem.

What I do is read my stories aloud to Michelle (recorded on her voice-mail actually) with a yellow high-lighter pen next to the paper. I find that when the words are spoken aloud, things that look good to the eye are embarrassingly obvious when spoken aloud. All my stories get that treatment before being posted (and Michelle has never complained about it, either)....

Here are a few of the word bumps I bounced off of:

During the day, she had a couple of times become frustrated and touched herself briefly.

I would turn it around into: Several times during the day she had become frustrated and had briefly touched herself.

I would insert a paragraph break right before the following sentence that begins "At night..."

The next major paragraph describes Josh's background and history. The story up to this point is told in third person but focused on what tigerpet sees and does. The leap back into Josh's memory seems a bit out of place. Maybe it would work better if Josh had told tigerpet about his background, in dialog.


First, she would tether their reigns tightly to a post, and then she would secure their legs firmly into a leg spreader. Finally she would whip the little bitch's ass until it was covered in red welts.

The first part is plural, referring to all of the ponies, but the "little bitch's" is singular (being Singularity, I have to be sensitive to these things <grin>).

"I'm just finishing up now Mistress Quinn.

There should be a comma, after 'now'.

"Ok now, Joshy is going to take you for a nice walk girl."

Same thing here, after 'walk'.

It is 'reins' for a horse, not 'reigns'. MS Word's spell checker probably nailed you on this one.

Mmm... That sure felt good.

I would do a paragraph break after this sentence.


When Roy is teasing tigerpet after Josh is found out, he talks to her, calling her 'girl'. I would have thought that he would have referred to her as a pony, filly, mare, or other equine-oriented term. I think that keeping everything about tigerpet in pony terms helps to reinforce her role.

Overall, I liked the story a lot, and hope to read more. I'll go back and read the first two also.

Try the reading-aloud trick. Even if you read it to a stuffed bear on your bed if a willing audience is not available, it may help find some things to smooth out. Side thought: I hope Bragi does not resemble a stuffed bear, though I am sure he would volunteer.

 

[the_bragis]

thank you...

M.A.

Thank you for your return feedback, I really appreciate it.

May I first say, I did not for a moment think you were 'picking' I guess when I said 'gentle' I was hoping to avoid the slice and dice mentality. I had feedback a while back that simply knocked the stuffing out of my story, and made a complete mockery the D/s lifestyle. Now that bruised me, and I don't believe it was beneficial at all.

Writing is a challenge for me, I think I am improving. I try to chew up every single piece of advice I read in here, whether it's for me or not. I know there are mistakes in the stories I have tired to edit myself, but I just don't know where. It's not easy to find an editor, and near enough impossible to find one willing to edit work which has already been posted, so anything you care to point out, is perfectly fine by me.

Now, as for your stories being 'sappy' love stories, I love those! So please keep them coming.
********
Octavian,

What can I say, but thank you, and - Melbourne Cup indeed! I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I adore dry British humour! Can I please give you newest story a little plug here? Sure I can, it's fun-tastic!
********

Cooksie,

Mmm... reading it backwards? Now you know what, that might just work for me! Thank you.
********
Kristydoll,

Thank you. I have to tell you I was so freaking nervous about posting this, I am really glad you enjoyed it. I know I have plently of room for improvementand these stories are a little over the edge, so I was worried about getting slammed. It's kind of funny, but the all feedback I have had on these stories, apart from what I have in this forum of course, is all from women. Odd isn't it?
********
Singularity,

I've said this before too, but I'll say it again... lucky Michelle.

Thank you for your advice and comments. It all makes good sense. There are some very good and experienced authors here at Lit, and I'm extremely grateful for the help and advice given. You know I consider you one of the demi gods of erotic writing around here.

Side thought: Bragi (not his real name by the way), does read my story eventually, and he could quite possibly edit them also, so if you reading this Hun... feel guilty... feel very guilty!
*******

This is excellent advice and feedback for me to work with. I don't want to be the best, but the best I can be.

Thank you again for your time and comments.

Have a great day now,
Alex

 

[kristydoll]

Re: thank you...

Kristydoll,

Thank you. I have to tell you I was so freaking nervous about posting this, I am really glad you enjoyed it. I know I have plently of room for improvementand these stories are a little over the edge, so I was worried about getting slammed. It's kind of funny, but the all feedback I have had on these stories, apart from what I have in this forum of course, is all from women. Odd isn't it?
********

Like I said, I enjoyed the stories and did not think they were over the edge at all *smiles* The writing always comes with the more you do it. And, if you ever want someone to proof your bdsm stories, before or even after posting, I sure will.

Also, am not surprised that your feedback is from mainly women...I think it is a common fantasy.

kristy

 

[Cooksie]

What happened to the men standing around? Well after I submitted that story, I found I just didn't feel comfortable writing about a group sex situation.

It occurred to me after my last post that this might be good opportunity for you... As I said, I don't feel it's necessary to describe the scene in full, and this early in the series it may be better not to; but if you feel the scene should be in the story and the only reason that it's not is because you're uncomfortable writing it, then maybe it's time to be a little merciless with yourself?

You tell me, but it seems that part of the appeal of BDSM is having to do things that you probably wouldn't do if you had a choice. Well, what if someone told you that you had to write that scene?

The point is that you have a chance to take your own experience (discomfort/embarrassment or whatever your hesitancy is at writing the scene) and transfer it directly into the story, i.e. pay attention to your feelings as your writing and give them to Tigerpet. If nothing else, it might serve as a good a writing exercise?

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

M.A. - no apologies necessary It really doesn't bother me in the least (if it did, I would've avoided a name like Cooksie). I just wanted to be sure I was up front since people in the past have gotten rather upset when they finally discovered I wasn't fem as they'd assumed.

 

[Singularity]

Feedback, Etc.

alex touched on something I have always wondered about. I write for the BDSM category (at least I haven't ventured into foreign territories yet) and I, too, have had feedback almost exclusively from women.

In fact, for the 14 stories I have posted, I can only recall one specific feedback note from a male. Even most of the anonymous replies seem to be from women, too.

I wonder if this is common to other BDSM category writers, or perhaps for the authors who post in the other categories as well. Any other comments on this question?

And as for being a 'demi-god,' alex, well, that certainly is a high standard to have to live up to. I feel pretty mortal most days, and am not sure I am ready for that pedestal (I feel quite confident I would get dizzy and fall off on my noggin). In any case, I am flattered and honored. Thank you for the lofty praise.

I do want to borrow the wonderful pair of hands in your AV to use as a 'prop' for a future story. I can think of so many deviantly wonderful thing to do with those hands....

 

[kristydoll]

Re: Feedback, Etc.

alex touched on something I have always wondered about. I write for the BDSM category (at least I haven't ventured into foreign territories yet) and I, too, have had feedback almost exclusively from women.

In fact, for the 14 stories I have posted, I can only recall one specific feedback note from a male. Even most of the anonymous replies seem to be from women, too.

I wonder if this is common to other BDSM category writers, or perhaps for the authors who post in the other categories as well. Any other comments on this question?

oh my...now I have to wonder *laughs*, but this is not usually the case for me. I thought it may have been due to the story subject matter, but maybe it is not. I get a pretty even split, possibly around 60/40 with the majority being from "male" readers.

interesting

kristy