Feedback please? First piece I've written.

[jackthehack]

It's not even fiction - just a bit of a love letter to a girl I met a long time ago.

I'm not sure what to think of it though, and would very much appreciate some pointers/constructive criticism.

Many thanks in advance.

ps - mild circumcision fetish themes - may not be for everyone.

https://www.literotica.com/s/florentine-soujourn

 

[Totzman]

I found it very erotic. You had a few typos and awkward sentences here and there, but it was a delicious story. I loved everything about Pauliine. Her speech, her accent, the way you described her body. If this story is true you are a lucky, lucky, man to bed a woman that perfect.

 

[jackthehack]

Totzman

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my piece and give me your thoughts.

To date, I have only written 2 things, so I'm really feeling a little blind. Could you give me an idea of where my writing was awkward? I would like to do more but you're the only person who has responded. I'm lacking a little confidence.

If you have time I'd really appreciate it. PM me if it's better to keep this off the thread.

Thank you again.

PS - Yes - Pauliine was real. Should have married her!

 

[Totzman]

Sure, I'll post them here.

First, I should let you know I’m American and we possibly have dialect differences so I might not understand Aussie colloquialisms.

I had trouble understanding this sentence:
>>It hasn't been since we disembarked the plane at Heathrow (quelle surprise) and consequently, the past 2 months have been the most terrifyingly miserable of his life.<<

I don't know what quelle surprise means, and I don't understand what that contributed to the sentence. I also think you might be missing a few words after “it hasn't been”. Also, you should spell out numbers (two, not 2.)

>>We pull up at the end of an alley, our little hunchback swings out of his door, pulls the sliding rear door open where we're sitting and gestures us out.<<

How does one swing out of a door?

>>those deep blue eyes hold my gaze for that fraction of a second too long for complete strangers.<<
This sounds strange to me. I think you are saying you and she aren't strangers, but it's still sort of confusing.

>>Her 'born in Finland where they don't circumcise people' brother???<<

This isn't Pauliine's dialogue yet reads like broken English.

>>For me, whose entire span of conscious existence has been dominated by unfavourable comparisons to my surgically modified peers, such a thought it inconceivable. <<
*is

>>I can't get past the information in my head that, from somewhere, from somewhen, lodged in my brain that circumcision was unknown in far northern Europe.<<
Very odd sentence.

>>The one's without foreskin are more interesting to me.<<
*ones. No apostrophe.

Hope this helps. Oh, and I left a comment on your story, but it's gone now for some reason.

 

[jackthehack]

Thank you mate.

Your comments are very helpful.

There are a couple of 'stream of consciousness' type sentences that you've highlighted. I wasn't sure if they would work or not so I appreciate your feedback.

Thank you again - you're the only person who seems to have read this piece!

Take care.