Feedback on "Saturday Afternoon"

[AahhWhattheHell]

https://literotica.com/s/saturday-afternoon-12

My first story here, a 750 word challenge. Thoughts?

 

[AlinaX]

For a first story, it's very good, with a cute twist at the end. It could however be tightened up a little. Enjoyed it anyway, and I liked the seductive start.

 

[NotWise]

I liked it, but like AlinaX said, it could have been tightened up a bit. The twist at the end was fun, but I thought the only thing the twist did was qualify it for the category.

 

[lovecraft68]

Nice twist! Up until the last line I was thinking not bad, but kind of generic, nothing special here, then bam!
Cool thing is since its so short, its easy to do an immediate second read through, and now knowing this is his mother? Good job.

Now the boring stuff....

Only thing out of whack were a couple typos and early on using the word Permanent twice in the same sentence is a mistake, but otherwise I didn't see anything glaring

 

[lovecraft68]

For a first story, it's very good, with a cute twist at the end. It could however be tightened up a little. Enjoyed it anyway, and I liked the seductive start.

I liked it, but like AlinaX said, it could have been tightened up a bit. The twist at the end was fun, but I thought the only thing the twist did was qualify it for the category.

Tightening up a 750 word story?

I know I tend to be verbose to borderline self indulgent, but this is a less than five minute read. Also a few extra words may have been needed to hit the 750 mark.
I'm going to suggest loosening up

 

[AlinaX]

The afternoon sun wakes him. As it's sifting through her hair, warming the sweet scent of jasmine that lingers in her thick auburn curls, he slowly drifts awake. Inhaling deeply, he never tires of her. Raising his head to check the time, he breathes in the smell of the sex they had hours before. Her naked sexy ass blocks the view of the clock.

The afternoon sun wakes him to the sweet scent of jasmine infusing her thick curls, and to the lingering smell of their earlier sex. He could never tire of this, and drifts along at the edge of sleep as long as he dares, breathing her in, before opening his eyes to her sunlit auburn hair and her bare, beautiful curves. So very sexy.

 

[AahhWhattheHell]

Tightening up a 750 word story?

I know I tend to be verbose to borderline self indulgent, but this is a less than five minute read. Also a few extra words may have been needed to hit the 750 mark.
I'm going to suggest loosening up

The afternoon sun wakes him to the sweet scent of jasmine infusing her thick curls, and to the lingering smell of their earlier sex. He could never tire of this, and drifts along at the edge of sleep as long as he dares, breathing her in, before opening his eyes to her sunlit auburn hair and her bare, beautiful curves. So very sexy.

The word processor I used to compose this story made it 25 words too short on my first submission. As for tightening it up a bit.... I both do and don't see your point. So much of what Alina cut out fits the sequel I plan on posting soon.

Thank you all for the feedback.

 

[AlinaX]

Tightening doesn't mean just cutting out words. The first time I read the story, I found myself tripping over the first paragraph.
- Warming the scent - does that make any sense?
- Five sentences in a short paragraph feels clunky.
- "Inhaling deeply, he never tires of her." - Feels awkward.
- The slight sense of repetition in the way it goes hair / scent / hair / scent /
- For some reason the 'it's' trips me up as well. (It's technically correct, but maybe would be better as "As it sifts ...")

My rewrite didn't cut anything out, and only reduced the word count by one - which really wasn't the point. What I tried to do was make the narrative flow better.

 

[AahhWhattheHell]

Tightening doesn't mean just cutting out words. The first time I read the story, I found myself tripping over the first paragraph.
- Warming the scent - does that make any sense?
- Five sentences in a short paragraph feels clunky.
- "Inhaling deeply, he never tires of her." - Feels awkward.
- The slight sense of repetition in the way it goes hair / scent / hair / scent /
- For some reason the 'it's' trips me up as well. (It's technically correct, but maybe would be better as "As it sifts ...")

My rewrite didn't cut anything out, and only reduced the word count by one - which really wasn't the point. What I tried to do was make the narrative flow better.

I see; thank you for the clarification.