Feedback on novel chapter?

[Nasha]

The fifth chapter of my novel in progress posted today, and I've come begging for some constructive criticism.

Though (one hopes!) some story development went on in the preceding chapters, I believe this one's readable on its own. The chapter itself is just over three Lit pages long with elements of erotic coupling (m/f), BDSM, group sex and gay male.

For any takers, here's the link:

Hurt chapter 5

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Seen the cry, but I can't give you justice tonight.

Will have a go tomorrow and will give you a fair read.

Thanks for posting.

 

[Nasha]

Seen the cry, but I can't give you justice tonight.

Will have a go tomorrow and will give you a fair read.

Thanks for posting.

Very kind of you. I realize the fifth chapter in a novel's a hard sell.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

nasha

Welcome. You write very well. Grammar, punctuation and general style are great, From the scores, you have clearly got a following.

I skim read the first 4 chapters before concentrating on 5 but, I may have missed something, where are we going?

You seem to be caught between writing a stroke story - without enough stroke - and a romance - without enough romance.

The story, through the accident, the developing relationship and the cancer is captivating. It's just that the rough and reluctant sex kind of dampens the mood.

You seem to be writing several stories at the same time and, despite your talent, it gets a bit confused.

A question that crossed my mind was why half write this as a novella and half in categories?

You have great promise, but IMHO, you are a little egotistical in running this soap as a novel. It would be better as several diffewrent stories.

But heck, the readers like it, so ignore a curmudgeon. You do write well, though.

 

[Nasha]

Elfin,

Thanks kindly for your helpful critique. It was especially generous of you to undertake looking over the earlier chapters.

...I may have missed something, where are we going?

The story, through the accident, the developing relationship and the cancer is captivating. It's just that the rough and reluctant sex kind of dampens the mood.

You seem to be writing several stories at the same time and, despite your talent, it gets a bit confused.

I fear you're right--the story is lacking in clarity and cohesion. A potentially fatal (but hopefully curable) flaw. There is a unified trajectory for how the disparate elements of the story tie together (there is a core theme of the three main characters using sex to cope with their respective hurts), but I think I've got some work to do, bringing that out of my head, so the reader can see it.

You seem to be caught between writing a stroke story - without enough stroke - and a romance - without enough romance.

Yeah, this is something I struggle with, repeatedly. I seem to be compelled to write stories that center around sexual themes, and to include graphic sex scenes, but I'm also incapable of writing a story that's all about the sex. I aspire to write well enough that sex isn't needed to draw an audience, and not to shy away from keeping the raunchy moments in, but I realize that people looking for stroke material aren't going to want to wade through four Lit pages for one little sex scene.

A question that crossed my mind was why half write this as a novella and half in categories?.

Mostly, it's strategic: it seems like having exposure under different categories should allow me visibility to different audiences.

You have great promise, but IMHO, you are a little egotistical in running this soap as a novel. It would be better as several diffewrent stories.

I'm genuinely confused as to what's egotistical. I use the word "novel" to describe what I'm writing because it's novel-length. And, though I've acknowledged I need to work on making the story more cohesive, it is a single story: each chapter builds on what came before it, and there's one overarching story arc that spans all the chapters, though I do try to create dramatic arcs within the individual chapters.

But heck, the readers like it, so ignore a curmudgeon. You do write well, though.

Thank you for the compliment, and again for the very useful feedback.

-Nasha