Feedback on new story

[geraldf]

Hello. I've just posted my first story, THE ANGEL OF SEX, and I would appreciate any feedback you can give me on it. It is the story of a shy young man who loses his virginity to someone very special. I would be very happy to critique your stories in return. Thanks.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=81738

 

[DarlingNikki]

I don't know if I am just in a vulnerable mood today or what, but I thought that story was just as sweet as anything. A lot of people don't like present tense, but I think it worked in such a short story.

What I would change: "I'm thirty years old" doesn't need dashes. ("I'm a thirty-year-old man" does)

When you talk about the girl you meet after the angel, you say she isn't very pretty. That's fine, but I would have liked it better if you/he had noticed one good feature about her - bright eyes, or high cheekbones or soft hair or whatever. You do say she's sweet, which is good and shows he's learned something about inner beauty and all that, but everyone has some outer beauty as well that people who love them notice. But that's just my opinion... it's your story.

Overall, I liked it.

Nikki

 

[geraldf]

Hello, Nikki. Thank-you so much for reading and for your critique. Yes, I should say something about the girl's outer beauty. She is actually modeled on someone that I knew and she did in fact have very pretty eyes. Anyway, this was my first story, and it meant a lot to me that you liked it. By the way, I enjoyed the two poems you posted, and I look forward to giving your stories a very thorough read very soon.

Gerald

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It is a sweet story, and it is such a pleasure to see a protagonist who isn't 6'2" 185 pounds with a ten inch dick and piercing blue eyes.

I also liked the opening, which I thought was skillfully done and avoided the usual "It was a beautiful day in May..."

The tone you used to tell the story was also just right: a bit shy, a bit amazed, very general as opposed to highly detailed. It's the tone that's used in fairy tales, which this resembles. I wonder though, whether sthe story set the tone, or whether the tone decided the story.

---dr.M.

 

[hiddenself]

SWEET. It seems ther's a consensus?

It's too bad things don't happen like that in the real lives of 30-year-old chubby virgin guys, but then neither do the outrageous sexual "first times" that a million other writers would have us read and believe. Yours was quite original.

I found the brief description of the real girl fine, it fits exactly into that slot -- wouldn't change a thing.

I would have prefered the story without the last two sentences

"She is on her way to helping another shy virgin become a man. I'm on my way to my new life with my new girlfriend."

They're superfluous. And she's actually his first girlfriend, isn't she?
(Reminds me of the Annie Hall ending)

I usually don't thank authors, but I feel I owe you a thank-you for this one. Don't know why. Maybe because it simply made me feel good.

hs

 

[geraldf]

Well, you're welcome, hiddenself. Wow! And thank you as well.

 

[honeysucklerose]

Yes. Short and sweet.

You could have gone into more detail and description but sometimes a short story is just right. Especially when one is cramped for time.

Perhaps your character will come up in a sequel. I wonder just how he is with his new g/f. Will she loose her virginity as well? Will he learn the ways of pleasuring her in his newfound confidence?

Keep it up!!! (So to speak.)

 

[geraldf]

I hadn't really thought of a sequel, but now that I think about it, there are several ways it could go. Perhaps I'll explore his realationship with his new girlfriend. The Angel could reappear, maybe to him, or maybe in an unrelated episode. It's difinitely worth exploring. Thanks for the suggestion.